I have nightmares often, ones where I am forced to live through my paranoid delusions of fear. Just your typical mental torture like my partner leaving me for someone else, job related nightmares, and the usual screaming out in pain only to be ignored or shunned. All equally horrible dreams of mine, tbh that's last ones fucks me up a lot and makes me feel nauseous even thinking about it.
These feel like manifestations of fear coming from my mental disorders such as my fears of abandonment. However, the newest one that fucks me up the most developed after my last relationship. This new fear of giving up on myself to becomes a shadow for another.
When I love someone it's so intense, I end up forgetting about myself and they become my everything. " Your my everything", "your my world", "your all I think about". These things I say sound so sweet but leave nothing but a bitter taste in my mouth.
The worst part is it's no one's fault but my own, it's not the person I loves fault that I have decided to devote myself to the point I begin to lose myself. It's not their fault I'm like this. I'm not sure it's even my fault I'm like this idk why I'm like this. I'm know I could look back at my childhood and try to dissect the reasons I'm like this but I don't think these issues now would just magically disappear even knowing the reasons behind them. To be completely honest I don't even have a great grasp on my self identity, I have a very hard time describing myself because I don't know who I am.
A few years ago though I was with someone, he was a piece of shit who continues to mistreats every woman he involves himself with. I was with him for 5 years and he abused the fuck out of me sexually and mentally. Then one day out of the blue he decided he was done playing with me and threw me to the side like I was nothing. It destroyed my world. I had given everything to this man, he was my world, but it was the greatest thing he had ever done for me in the last 5 years. He set me free from a prison I hadn't even realized I put myself in.
After he left the vail had been lifted, I could see myself again and I recognized all the abuse I suffered. It was a lesson I had to learn in a very hard unfortunate way but from that moment on I realized what little parts of myself I had recognized, I liked. I swore after that I would NEVER lose myself in another person like that. I felt so pitiful and disgusted with myself when I realized I spent 5 years on that dirt bag and treated him like a fucking king while he had me cowering in the corners of his home when he got violent.
Please don't waste years of your youth devoting yourself to someone who dose nothing but hurt you, to someone who only thinks of themselves, and to people who you would give everything to while you're an after thought. Don't waste it hoping one day they change or thinking that you have to stay for them because of love. Please just chose yourself for once.
