[ void || 21+ || they/them || mdni ]

i recently got diagnosed with BPD, OCD, paranoia and schizoid PD after a long time. i also suffer from ADHD and 6 years long recurring eating disorder. i made this blog to spill out my thoughts and frustrations, especially during episodes, since talking about it with my irl closest ones feels wrong. i'm not going to tag my main blog, since i don't want to be associated with whatever i say here when i get out of the episode and sober up. i also don't mean to shit on anyone or hold gruges, so i'm not going to namedrop anyone.

I AM AWARE that i may overreact or overexaggerate the events, i usually realize that when i regulate.

i don't care what you think about this blog, feel free to talk shit about me in the comments and reblogs, i literally couldn't care less. this blog is for me and nobody else really.

but if you have something positive to say, such as tips, or you just wanna share your experience - feel free to do so, seeing that other people also go through the same shit as me always feels encouraging.

i hate myself so much

i tried talking to them today and realised how bad i fucking suck at talking. with anyone.

i'm less than a human to them, i'm worthless. all i did was waste their time. all of them.

i'm gonna rot alone, decompose in this filthy bed all by myself. nobody will come. nobody.

i relapsed after so long, i was doing so good, but i did it again and it felt like shit. i wish i had the balls to go deeper, do it everywhere, soak the whole bed and lay in it and sleep.

this way nobody would talk to me ever again, nobody would come close, nobody would love me and nobody would care

i'm such a waste of space, waste of air. i can't do anything right, i can't even talk to them like a normal fucking person, i have to be fucked up in the head, i have to be fucking braindead and dumb and i wish i was fucking dead

all i wanted in return to talk with her about how i feel. about everything. about her, about her but she kept changing the subject and ignoring me.

i went through some mental back and forth between "i hate her", "she's my only friend", "i don't want friends anymore", "she's trying", "why does she have to be like this", "she likes me", "she likes her better", "i'm gonna block them both", "maybe i COULD fit in", "i will never"

"i'm okay, nevermind" i said, letting her change the subject. i didn't feel like talking with her anymore.

until we started talking like we used to. joking and having fun.

and suddenly she felt safe. i liked her again. she was mine.