Hyperfixation Station

And then, there was knocking; quiet but frantic taps, getting weaker and weaker.

Shelby opened the door and there was Toni.

Eyes crystalized in pain, a hand clutched against the doorframe, in a feeble effort to keep herself up. As soon as she saw Shelby, she collapsed forward, stumbling clumsily into her arms.

Toni was falling down and bringing Shelby, still warped with shock, along with her. As they both crashed to the ground, Shelby’s whole world tumbled with them. Her vision was in fragments, the scene before her blurring hazily across her eyes. In the back of her mind she knew she was crying- wailing, screaming even, but she heard nothing.

All she could process was Toni’s defeated body, crumpled against hers, and the red.

Red streaks trailing through the hallway, red soaking through the black and white shirt, red smudged across her own hands and dripping down her arms.

In the corners of her eyes, she saw the other girls rush over- presumably alerted by her sobs. Dot was calling 911, Martha was crouched on Toni’s other side, Leah had a hand on Shelby’s shoulder. But Toni- Toni’s heartbeat was getting slower.

Tears slapped down Shelby’s face, her hands were shuddering so badly it hurt. Against her sore limbs, she could feel Toni’s skin getting colder. The girl’s eyes were now shut, her face damp and pale; Shelby whimpered a gasp, realising how similar she looked to the other time. Four years ago now, on that horrific island that she wanted nothing more than to forget, but, at the same time, wanted to cherish the bitter-sweet nostalgia of its memories.

She looked at Toni’s icy features and she saw the seventeen-year-old, broken foster kid, who’d just washed up on a deserted island and who’d had the terrible luck of eating bad oysters. The girl who’d been too stubborn to surrender her pride, even to save her own life. The girl who, only a few hours later, had screamed and yelled at her.

“I don’t matter”.

Even then, Shelby had known it wasn’t true. Maybe her feelings for Toni had been complicated at the time but she’d known- in the dark, aching parts of her chest- that Toni was going to be her everything. Her someone. She mattered, even if to no one else, to her.

And now…

As she looked down at the dying girl, she could feel herself slipping away too. Her heart was a searing ball of pain, she couldn’t face the thought of her being gone.

“Toni”, her voice came out as a crumbling whisper, “Toni, I need you to hold on”. Amongst the storm of movement and sound around them, her words sounded pitifully small; but she knew Toni heard them. “You matter much to me, so much. Please don’t let go”.

Maybe she was just being hopeful, but Shelby could have sworn Toni’s heart rate got steadier, even if it was only very slightly. She had to be hopeful.

Without warning, Shelby’s mind was flashing back to another girl. Another girl she’d loved. Another girl she’d lost.

Becca had been her first love, even if not her final. Sometimes Shelby would see parts of her in Toni; a dumb joke, a smile, a reflection in her sparkling, brown eyes. They were so similar but so different all at once.

It had taken Shelby years to adjust to the fact Becca was gone, she still wasn’t quite there. Years later, and she still couldn’t fully process the fact she’d never hear that infectious laugh again, there would be no more chances to hug her tightly and tell her what an amazing friend she was, Becca would never be at her wedding, she’d never have her own; Shelby had been given this whole life that was thriving and beautiful, and Becca was still a lost sixteen-year-old in Texas.

As she’d slowly started to come to terms with her grief, her one saviour had been Toni- her tether to the mortal world. Toni hugged her tightly after her worst nightmares, she’d listened patiently on the few occasions Shelby had actually had the strength to talk about it, she’d held her hand when she’d finally been able to visit Becca’s grave. She wasn’t anywhere near over it, but with Toni next to her, she was getting there.

Worse than the grief, was the guilt. That was still very much there. Like a cruel knife, that had found its way into Shelby’s stomach and wouldn’t move, no matter how much time past; it was cold, it was sickening, it was what stained her sleep and lurked in the back of her mind, even when she was at her happiest.

She had let Becca die.

If it wasn’t for her, perhaps it would be Becca who got to have the perfect life.

No matter how many people told her it wasn’t her fault, it always would be to her.

Becoming heavier in her arms, Toni’s coarse breaths were getting weaker. She couldn’t let her die. This girl that she’d loved from the moment they’d met (even if she hadn’t realised it at first), and that she’d only grown to love more and more as the years past. The girl who was passionate about everything and willing to risk her life to defend the people she cared about. She was brave, even if recklessly so, and stubbornly determined but also the softest, kindest person Shelby had ever known.

Through tear slashed eyes, she saw not only Toni but the young girl from the island, and she saw Becca- an echo in Toni’s lifeless face.

She leant closer and put her mouth to Toni’s ear,

“stay alive, please”.