When you see a person hurt, only then do you realize how much you care for them.
Recently, I saw a person very dear to me after they did a small operation and sent a sample to the lab, I thought I never cared about that person, or god forbid I wanted them gone, but that was far from the truth.
Tears were stinging my eye, and were threatening to fall when I knew, I didnât let them. I guess i didnât want the person to see that I care or have emotions, I was always thought to be selfish, emotionless and hard. However, I cared, I donât know whether I cared because if something happened to that person I will be affected, or because I simply cared and deeply loved that person. I am scared to confront myself. I am scared if what i found would be heartbreaking to admit.Â
If you think you hate a person, and want them gone. See them hurt. You will know your true feelings. Itâs normal to have mixed feelings about someone, not just romantically. I think itâs a normal part of being human, you love a person for one thing, yet hate them for another ten, but still care, because sometimes, that one things, washes everything away, and you feel nothing but care and tenderness towards that person, you want to scream âI am sorry I hated you, i am sorry i had those feelings about you, please be okay and never be ill again.â And you are left with deep sorrow and regret, that you just want to pour your heart out, but it never happens.
I am not gonna say tell people you love or tell them you care and all that, i donât do that myself. But what I am gonna say is, you are allowed to have mixed feelings about a person. You are allowed to love them, yet be annoyed by their actions, and hate them for doing that thing 4 years ago that time didnât close its wound. Itâs okay. Whatâs not okay, is letting hate eat you alive, and all your emotions towards a person is simply hate, it doesnât affect them, it only hurts you, it gets you from the inside, and swallows everything good within. Donât let the good in you disappear. Donât let that sinister look in your eyes take over. Give everything its space. You are too good to fall into that deep pit.Â
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âDonât think about what can happen in a month. Donât think about what can happen in a year. Just focus on the 24 hours in front of you and do what you can to get closer to where you want to be.â
My heart burns in agony each time someone says âYou are just gonna raise the kids, nothing elseâ. Each time I hear this sentence my heart burns, and I can feel every artery in my body contract. Why is it always this way for us? Women. Why doesnât the world acknowledge the fact that we have brains, we think, and we are not driven by emotion and the instinct of motherhood. The fact that we are put into a stereotype-since god knows when-and we just keep running in the same circle, over and over and over. We donât seem to stop and wonder âWhat the hell are we doing?â.
Every woman has the right to choose to be whatever she wants, and how many kids she wants whether itâs 2 or 10, but whatâs not normal, is being pressured by society, family and colleagues to do something you donât actually want to do.
I had a conversation with my mother once about how I donât want kids, not because I hate them, but because simply I donât think I am capable of being a mother, or see myself raising a kid, I donât see myself sacrificing my youth and my body to give birth. Birth is such a beautiful process, you literally bring life to a human being but I am afraid of it. My mother clearly said âYou will not think like that in a couple of years, you will change how you think, and want to hold a baby and be a mother as soon as you can. When I married your father, and didnât become pregnant for a month, I almost went mad!â
A woman choosing not to have children is never respected, and the whole world shames her for it, but when a man says he doesnât want children, all he hears are applauses âWhat a responsible man, know what he wants!â âOh he choose it easy.â
Why is it never the same for us?Â
Until then, a womanâs choice will only be conditional.
normalize being dogshit amateur at your special interests and hyperfocuses. no more autistic savants. yes i am very into that topic no i am not good at it. we exist <3
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As I was reading little women, two things stopped me,
First it was something Marmee said : âWhen you feel discontented, think of your blessings and be grateful.â
And it struck me.Â
How I have spent a great deal of my life complaining, not living my life to its fullest over silly things. How mother made peas even though I hate them. How I donât want to study because I am too burnt out. How I went to vacation to Europe instead of somewhere new. Only then did I stop and think about it, how everything I am complaining about is a dream to someone. How peas will fill their empty grumbling stomaches, how they wished there entire lives for education, so they can be respected or knowledgeable, how many have never been on vacation ever. It makes me feel small. I donât like underestimating my problems or anyone for that matter, but only then I think how blessed I am.Â
Second what Jo said: âFor after all rich people have about as many worries as poor ones, I think.â And thatâs when the contradiction begins.
As someone who is financially comfortable, itâs relatively true. I donât have financial struggles, but I am not happy either. I am not doing the things I want to do, or studying the major that I wanted. Then why despite all of these blessings I still feel this.
Only the human nature, always looking forward to what you donât have. I have always imagined this scenario, you are in a never ending race. Only when you reach what you thought was the finish line, turns out it is the beginning of a whole other race, only much harder and with much more competitive people. All while thereâs darkness behind you, that swallows whoever slows down or gives up, you fall into endless darkness, and keep falling, you donât land, in the hope for something to save you or for someone to hold your hand and get you out of this whole.
You miss a lot of your life while trying to hide who you really are. While trying to be someone else, someone other than yourself. Years pass by and you look back in hopes of finding any memory, yet you find nothing but an endless void, because they weren't your memories. Only memories of a mask that you have worn for so long, you no longer know life without it. And when you finally take it off, you realize that you have forgotten everything, including your soul. Who are you? What do you love? What do you hate? How do you spend the few minutes you were given to live? Everything has turned into ashes, flying along with the wind, all that is left for you is the smell of dead flames and you are the witness on what remains. You sit on what is still there of the earth, under a sky whose color you can't remember, next to you a melancholic mask which you give a final farewell look. Valedictory tears fall upon it before you hold it for a last time then throw it far away where you can't go. Somewhere forlorn where you no longer belong. You stay there on the ground thinking how to begin again. Can you even begin again? Then you see it, a circle of light on your heart, you follow it only to see that it's the first ray of the sun to pierce the fog and clouds, reaching for you. You watch beyond the horizon, a flicker that starts to grow, your first sunrise. At last, you get up, still lost. You don't know where you are or where you're going but you know that you have the stars to guide you till you arrive...till you reach who you are.
for me it wasnât about being unobserved but more of being myself without having to pretend if i want to be sad, i will be sad. If i want to be happy i will be happy, there doesnât need to be a reason.
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hey quick PSA but âreading before bed to wind downâ only works if youâre normal about books btw. if you arenât you are going to end up awake at 2:52am after finishing the whole book just trust me on this one
           I feel like I have this void inside of me, I donât know how to describe it. I read. I watch movies. I exercise. It temporarily fills this void, but as soon as I am done. I continue to feel it again. I canât seem to put my hands on the exact reason. But I know itâs there. My life is perfect. Yet, I feel so ungrateful that I am bearing this void. Maybe itâs because of the weight I have to carry. But who knows. I am tired. So so so tired. Of everything . Sometimes, I just everything to go silent. Everyone just needs to shut up. My thoughts arenât mine anymore, they havenât been for a long time. I donât wanna die. God no. I have many things I want to achieve. Many dreams to fulfill. I havenât yet lived to my best potential. But oh how I want this void to disappear. Maybe love will fill it one day. Who knows. The thing is, I donât think I am capable of love. Can I actually love someone who isnât myself whether itâs a friend or a partner. Will someone actually love me? I donât know, I am scared of knowing. But oh, how I want this void to be filled.