Just Say Fuck It

“At 17 the doctor told me that I was chronically ill

And that memory is burned to the front of my mind still

I mean how could I find relief from this pain I’d been feeling?

Couldn’t absorb that it was possible

That for 3 more years I’d be living in a hospital

With drugs in my veins and family by my side

Never ceasing their prayers for the pain I couldn’t hide

From this sickness that I had been afflicted with

Never could have predicted

How close I could get

From treading the line between life and death

So every day at 17 I was dying while living

Holding my head high but ready to give in

I mean there comes a point when you wonder just how much you can endure

When the doctors are telling you they can’t find a cure

So you’re left stuck in this bed and stuck in this body

I never thought at 17 I could have fallen this ill

And still I regret all the things I had missed

Graduation and college and friends going on trips

While I was stuck in a bed or at home with this pain

And at 18 I was wondering if I’d ever feel the same

I mean one day I woke up and my body felt awful

No warning just one day I got given a handful

Of shit I never signed up for or wanted

And then one day I’m told that all of it’s chronic

So at 18 I’m getting up every day in the morning

Trying my fucking hardest just to feel normal

Hardly telling anyone what I truly felt inside

So I hid all my feelings for fear of being depressing

But I’ve decided I’m done with all of this repressing

I mean fuck it at 19 years old I was dying

At 19 years old I was lying in a hospital bed waiting for morphine

Praying for more dreams that this nightmare one given

This life I’m not living

My body was rotting from the inside out

My head and my heart were filled with such doubt

And my sister was telling me she feared for my life

Because her own baby sibling was going under the knife

So give me all of your struggles and strifes

And I will take them with ease.

I’d trade you any day

Because at least I’d have a life instead of throwing it all away

To a white room with white sheets and white pills and no sleep

So give me it all because at 20 I was dying

And at 21 I’m still trying to grasp all this shit

That three months ago I didn’t know if I’d live to see tomorrow

Didn’t know if God would grant me another day to borrow

And my heart is filled with sorrow and grief for my life

That was cut away from me like my guts with a knife

But now at 21 I’m living

But still struggling with forgiving my body and God for all of this shit

For all of these problems I’ve been forced to deal with

Nobody asked me if I was ready to take it

Every day waking up and wondering if I can make it

I’m done faking that I was ever okay

Done worrying that my sorrows would get in everyone’s way

And I’m done sugar coating

Because fuck it, I was dying

And I’m done lying

To myself or to anyone else

So no, I’m not okay and I’m swallowing my pride

And finally letting show what I’ve been hiding inside

Because at 21 I struggle to get out of bed

Every day and that much is fucking with my head

And I’m waiting expectantly for something to go wrong

Because that’s how my life has played out for so long

And at 21 I’m waiting to be free

From this disease that has its grasps so tight around me

And I’m struggling to make up for so much lost time

Because I’m trying to get back all the years I was dying”

Red Hugging His Kids

You don’t want a hug, do you? ‘Cause you’re not getting one.