An Agoraphobe Living in the Desert

IT'S LIKE A MINI TIME CAPSULE

I’ve been keeping a comprehensive list of everything that immediately reminds me of you. It’s pretty long but it surprises me that it’s not longer. One of the stranger things is that brand new things like songs I’ve never heard before will remind me of you as well. It’s been almost five weeks and I don’t think there’s been a minute where you haven’t been on my mind in some way. I swear to you I haven’t demonized you to any of my friends. I’d dare say I haven’t demonized him either, but telling them everything you told me about him and the situation as it played out from my perspective is damn well enough to give any rational person a good sense of dislike for him. And it kills me that you’re still entertaining this notion of being happy with him. How many marriages do you know of in which a child asks, “mommy, how did you meet daddy?” and the response is, “well, sweetie, we were good friends freshman year of college and then he emotionally abused me to the point of tears and yelling on a semi-weekly basis and then told me he had a crush on me and was nice to me for three weeks during which he stole my heart from my best friend and love of five years”?

I’ve lost most of my drive to do much of anything. I’m borderline passing my classes. I’m quitting one of my jobs. I haven’t gone to any counseling because I tried that last year (ironically enough for almost the exact same reason) and it was uncomfortably unhelpful. And no one wants to hear about this situation anymore and I don’t blame them. But I can’t move on because you were my everything. Like, maybe you can move on from being each other’s first relationship, first kiss, first “I love you”, and all the times we talked about commitment and marriage and how we were stuck with each other. But I can’t. I invested every once of trust I had into us. And I still love you, I really do. I hate his guts, but I love you. When I told you, I meant it, and I still do. And I still hold out hope for us, but it’s shrinking little by little. You were perfect for me. And it’s not just him or you to blame, it’s also me. In retrospect there were plenty of times I took you for granted, and I’m sorry. I truly am. But it’s all a moot point now. I don’t even have words for my feelings at this point. All I know is I miss you, I’m sorry, I forgive you, and I wish I could move on.