Welcome to my crazy life

I wouldn’t have answered that text.

I would have never met you.

I would have never had a first kiss.

I would have never known what your presence felt like.

We would have just stayed strangers whose paths never crossed.

I walked in the darkness for so long I could tell you exactly where everything is.

I can tell you when there’s a dip. Where all the cracks are. Every corner. Every bump.

I don’t have to feel around anymore to know where I’m going.

It’s been dark for so long my eyes are just adjusted.

But suddenly this weird thing happened.

I saw a glimmer out on the corner. I almost didn’t recognize it. It’s been so long.

The closer I get, the more I have to shield my eyes from its brightness.

I’m not quite ready to go towards the brightness so I stop in my tracks.

I just admire from afar, waiting for my eyes to get adjusted to this new light.

I think one day I’ll go sprinting towards it.

How many times did she have to go through this pain? The same sigh, the same look, the same words.

"I don't think this is working anymore."

Once those words fell out of his mouth it felt like a bullet went through her chest. She didn't mean to get upset with him the night before. It was a petty argument that she believed would be over in the morning. Why did she always have to argue about everything?

"No. We can make this work. You promised we would get through anything as long as we talked. So, let's talk. I'm not letting you do this."

She was talking faster than she could think. It was horrible word vomit that wouldn't stop. Tears burned her cheeks and rolled down her mouth. She could taste the saltiness of the pain he promised he would never cause. She knew she was embarrassing herself, but she thought maybe it would be worth it if she could make him stay.

"Bianca, I don't love you anymore."

I look back at our messages to remind myself it all turned out a lie.

I keep thinking to myself, “What is he doing now?”

Are you driving to see her? Did you wake up this morning to tell her she was your first thought? Does she make you smile the way I did?

I keep trying to understand why she was worth leaving me. Why you felt the need to move on with her before we were even over. Maybe I’ll never understand.

I wish I could go back to the night you said you still loved me. I would’ve taken you back. I wouldn’t have questioned it.

There’s so many thoughts that run through my mind since that day. Regret being the biggest one of them.

I don’t know what I did wrong. Our last conversation was good. I thought it was good.

We said goodbye for now. I didn’t realize it was goodbye forever.

Maybe one day you’ll come back. Maybe one day the universe will decide we’re right for each other again.

I mean I’m okay, but I’m not at the same time.

I don’t have much to be sad over. There’s a roof over my head and a pillow to lay my head on.

But I’m not okay.

My heart isn’t completely broken anymore.

But it’s still not fully healed.

You’re not in my life anymore.

But you still haunt my dreams.

I just need all this pain to be over.

I believed you.

Ate up every word you said like I had not eaten in years.

Maybe I manifested too hard that the universe wanted to show me why I am not worthy of being pleased.

I colored in your red flags with green crayons because I wanted to have the artwork I saw in my mind

But green over red just created a muddy yellow color.

I badly wanted to believe the artwork would look better if I colored darker.