brave oceans

And I hate it most when I start thinking about the future. Future plans and ambitions, future careers and goals.

I know what I want to do. I know the first steps I need to take to get there. I know it will be a road paved with challenge. I know right now, in this moment, I have the motivation and confidence to start on the path.

And I know in less than a week, that will all be gone. The confidence will be gone. The motivation will be gone. I'll have a new ambition. New plans. Old plans dusted off. Different paths. Smarter plans. Dumber plans.

And I'll get nowhere. I'll have half baked skills in a dozen different areas. A amateur programmer. An amateur ui designer. An amateur economist. An amateur game designer. A writer with no portfolio to show for it. A ttrpg adventure designer with no portfolio to show for it. An amateur podcaster. An amateur video editor.

An amateur. Always, an amateur. Never further.

I've dropped out of uni three times. 3 fucking times.

I work in accounting. I don't have the brain for it. It takes so much work just to make sense of the basics. I can't do this forever. It's a good job, just not a good job for me.

I have to do something else. I have to do something creative. I have to use the parts of my brain that work, instead of exhausting the ones that don't.

I hate feeling like I'm never going to get anywhere. A few steps down a long road before I jump to another. Never getting far. Never getting further.