Inner Stone

2020. What a year. It is currently Jan 1st 2021. I’m writing this post so I can note what this year has been like for me. The best word that can summarize 2020 for me is, recovery... and maybe closure. 

This time last year I remember repeating to myself “It’s ok, I’m ok. I’m over it” when those were clearly words of a naive girl in denial. In 2019 I lost two friends. 

One, i’ve thought a lot about. I’ve grown from the relationship we had and i’m proud of how it was handled. I still love and care for them but not in the same way as I once did. Even though you will never read this, I hope one day we can be as close as we once were before everything. 

The other, I don’t know. Two years later I still do not know anything except for my guesses were right. But why did you feel that way? when did you start feeling this way? what did I do? why weren’t you comfortable enough with me to tell me? If it was just me why the other two as well? why so suddenly if you felt this way for years? what did you say about me? was I ever a friend to you? why did you accept my gifts then? you never asked how I was either....I felt so wronged, lied to. I felt that I deserved more than to be ignored and dropped like that. I felt guilty. I had so many questions. I know I wasn’t the nicest all the time. But at least I was honest and I am proud of that. But some nights memories of back then haunt me. Like tonight. I can’t sleep. I’m pulling it again. Maybe i’m not as good of a person as I think I am. I felt cursed by thoughts like these this year. This person is in the past. Even though you will never see this either, I hope one day you will be confident in yourself so you do not blame your cowardliness on others. I hope you treat your future friends with more respect and care because genuine friendship and support are way more valuable than the attention and reputation you tried to uphold to get it as well as the material benefits the person can give you. I hope you realize that I got my friends not by luck, looks or ethnicity but by enjoying each person’s company in the moment. 

2020 was filled with a lot of triggers. I’ve spent more than enough time grieving friendships that could have been. Instead, i’ll spend this year improving myself. I have realized that i’m surrounded by people that love and care for me as much as I love and care for them; current friends, old friends, family and significant other. I love you all. Thank you for supporting me in 2020. Please continue lol. 

I recently received my diploma in the mail! Honestly, my initial reaction to the sheet of paper was very lackluster but the seal on the front is very shiny. 

Looking at my diploma now I recall all the nights in the kemper basement coding, the funny physics labmates I had, and the nights where my friends and I decided it was a good idea to make too much food. Undergrad was stressful for sure but it was an experience I will remember fondly. 

Although I say this I do have some critiques of the cs and engineering department of the university. 

1) Impacted: The cs major is impacted. Good professors retired(and/or forced to leave) and I heard classes now rely on computer programs to grade. My first cs class homework was graded using a program. This is fine if it was written by *ahem sean, who spends his entire career dedicated to teaching. But it was not. Automatic grading does not give the beginner programmer enough feedback on things like code style, implementation, legibility during the programming process nor does it let the student know how to properly test code that simulates industry.

“Millions of us fiercely defend our right to make “free” choices, while we ignore how those choices are manipulated upstream by menus we didn’t choose in the first place” 

6/6/19

Today I had my senior design showcase. Judges came to look and ask questions. People from industry gathered to ask about implementation specifics. Friends appeared here and there within the 3 hour block and brought treats, boba, flowers and the enthusiasm I needed for this project one last time.

Senior design friends trolled each other during our individual judging sessions. The medical student I was working closely with came and showed her appreciation as well.

This was followed by 2 hours of frantic coding, animating, sound effects making and merging of game code to prepare for the cinema digital media showcase. I’m gonna miss playing Werewolf with these peeps. Thanks for making my stupid pixelated fish into a passionate knife wielding master.

I genuinely love everyone I have seen today. I may not express it much but your visits bring me so much joy. Thanks for taking the time out of your busy days to chill with little ol’ me ^^

What do I do?

Senior design project deadline is coming up and boy, has this been a roller coaster.

Like many others, I take pride in my work. I value honest communication in any relationship as well. I thought I would express my thoughts to the professor outside of class. Next thing you know she brings the TA into the conversation...

After 2 hours of explaining to the professor and TA and weeks of programming and client meetings, I think my team and I deserve a bit more  than a confused expression from my professor and my TA showing us an app from another team he thinks is far superior than our own. Especially if ours is significantly more complex.

“i think most of your troubles is that you don’t know what you are doing“

“what did YOU accomplish in the time you were waiting for your teammates work?“

- Quotes from prof and TA

It’s offensive. 

“This is an example of an A+ app”

First of all, who in their right mind would compare teams like this? I’m impressed at myself for not snapping at him at that moment. The audacity of this kid to run up to us before we walk out the door to tell us to look at an app that is better. When it wasn’t.  

Second, as a TA that has no app development experience and iOS experience, what makes you think that your opinion on app complexity is valid?

(don’t you dare tell me a simple use of a pointer will solve my problems if i’m coding in swift)

I had an interactive grading session today. For most CS classes in university students would have these interactive grading sessions with the TA. Since most programs were completed in pairs this session is usually conducted to make sure the students fully understand the code they write and to ensure the code was written by both people instead of just one person. 

I actually enjoy this method of grading since we can get the TA’s feedback on the implementation immediately and directly. 

But this session began with the TA being behind schedule for about 20 min. When it was our turn the TA began questioning me. “Explain the program [from the beginning] and I’ll tell you when to stop.” 

So, I explained. The TA would stop me at certain parts and questioned me about them, which was normal. Although as this kept going on I noticed he refused to let my partner answer any questions. “I’’m only asking her”, he would say. 

Even though I would explain to him[the TA] why there would never be a memory leak in our code, he kept insisting that there was. He turns to my partner signaling for an explanation and my partner says the same thing I just said. 

I guess my partner seems more trustworthy...

Instead of “Why would you use this here?” he would word questions like,  “Using this here is wrong, there is no reason why you would do this, why is this here?”

This occurred once or twice more during our session and, mind you, I am still explaining the program. “OK, you both are done”, he says.  

---

So what just happened? That was the most one sided pair grading session I have ever experienced and I can’t help but think the reason was that the TA thought I didn’t do any work. Or thought I was incompetent... 

Prince of Tennis stands as one of my favorite competition/sports animes of all time and the classic running gag in the series is Inui’s special and healthy juice to punish the members with! If you are also a fan of the show and were curious about the taste of Inui’s concoction here is a recipe for the 1st juice! 

Ingredients/Tools:

- A lot of pennywort leaves

- A juicer or blender

Instructions:

Throw the pennywort leaves into a juicer and wait until enough of the juice is extracted to fill a glass.

Enjoy the Inui Juice Dupe lol

The 1st juice in the show is described to be super bitter and straight pennywort juice is exactly that! Normally this juice is consumed in parts of Asia but is usually diluted with water with a bunch of sugar added to it. Enjoy~ and please tell me what you think!

“Be kind and gentle”

“Navigation Boy”

Haha, so I was going to draw something for a friend’s birthday but in the end I just used his body and face as inspiration for this character. Sorry dude.