inlourve

but no matter how hard he pushed himself on the field or how jam-packed his schedule was that day, his mind would drift and he would think about you. if you had taken your last final. if you were preparing for graduation. if he consumed your thoughts as much as you consumed his own. if you were happy with someone else. someone else who deserved you.

the idea that someone else could make you as happy as he does made jude blind with rage. he drove the ball into the net forcefully, the ball spinning as the net caught it.

“jude,” a voice called out.

jude sank another ball into the goal, oblivious to the world. 

“jude,” the voice called out once more, nearer to the tense footballer.

the star athlete kicked another ball into the net, its path curving perfectly past the imaginary goalkeeper.

a hand clasped his shoulder, bringing him back to earth. “jude,” his coach said. “go home.”

“i'm fine, coach,” jude said dismissively, walking to the goal to retrieve the balls.

his coach blocked his path, putting his hand on his star player’s chest. “no, you’re not,” he insisted. “you keep going at this rate and you’re going to crash and burn tomorrow when we need you the most.”

“we need to beat dortmund in the finals,” jude said, looking straight at the goal with his jaw clenched.

“and we will,” his coach said reassuringly. “but right now you need to go home.”

jude looked to his right, seeing his teammates stand on either side of their coach, concern and worry splashed all over their faces. the ones who knew what happened noticed his pain for weeks but avoided the topic because they refused to deal with the fallout of even mentioning your name to him.

trent finally spoke out. “mate, we’re worried about you.”

jude ran his hand down his face. “you’re right,” he said apologetically. “i’m sorry. i’ll go.”

his coach stroked his cheek with his thumb. “good boy. everybody head out — we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow.”

trent and kylian slapped his back comfortingly, a sort of wordless message that they were there for him. jude, for the first time in days, smiled genuinely and appreciatively at his friends as they headed home.

at home, jude leaned against the granite countertop with his jug in his hand. he was a dim figure in the dark kitchen and the only source of light was the control panel of his fridge. the memories of you and him — preparing dinner together, attempting to follow recipes, telling stories after dinner, and washing and drying the dishes together silently — haunted him.

his mom found him in the kitchen, staring into the void.

“good gracious,” she said, her voice strained. “what are you doing in the dark? have you eaten?”

jude wordlessly shook his head, taking another sip of his protein shake.

denise pulled out the premade frozen meal prepared by his personal chef and heated it in the microwave. “you can’t go on like this,” she ordered him in her motherly tone. 

“don’t know what you mean,” he murmured unconvincingly.

“you have been moping around for weeks,” she told him in a reprimanding tone. “you work yourself to the bone every single day. you snap at us and your friends at any given moment. you need to fix that attitude right now because i won’t put up with it any longer.”

“it's nothing,” jude said. “i’ll win another game and put this all behind me.”

denise sighed. she wasn’t aware of the specifics behind your split but she made an educated guess that it was about his career. her son’s life was complicated — sure, he was handsome, famous, talented, and rich, but it all came with a price tag. he could no longer walk the streets without being recognized, he feared being used by people whom he considered his closest friends, and he was plagued with constant anxiety about someday ending up a washed up football player.

it was one of the main reasons she loved you and jude together. you lived a normal life. he brought you out of your comfort zone and you brought him down to earth when everybody was pushing his ego to new heights every time he scored a goal. you taught him new card games, filled his life with interesting facts, and made his stomach hurt from all the laughter. with you, jude had the best of both worlds.

“it’s ninety minutes,” denised stated simply.

jude finally looked up. “what?”

“a game is ninety minutes,” she clarified. 

“she could be the rest of your life.”

he paused before closing the fridge. “it doesn’t matter. it’s too late.”

“it’s not too late,” denise sighed, cupping her son’s face with her hands. “be honest with her about how you truly feel.”

“she's good for you, son,” mark commented, emerging from the staircase to stand beside his wife.  “keeps you grounded. you both bring out the best in each other.”

“what should i tell her?” jude sighed, exasperated. “that i love her? that with one word i would walk away from everything just to be by her side? that it terrifies me that i have never felt this way about anyone in my entire life? that seeing her walk away from me has crushed me more than any other loss in my whole career ever has?”

denise and mark looked at each other knowingly, their son was head over heels for you.

jude froze, the realization that he loved you dawned suddenly. “i love her.”

“you do,” denise said, her face breaking out into a proud smile.

mark slung his arm around his wife’s shoulder. “go on,” he encouraged his son. “fight for her.”

IS IT KILLING YOU LIKE IT'S KILLING ME?

after the ceremony you and your friends had the deserted campus all to yourselves. you all decided to substitute a possibly fancy dinner with one last meal at the dining hall. your friends brought cupcakes and other pastries for the kitchen staff, to thank them for all the kindness they’ve shown you throughout the years. from early breakfasts to late dinners and late night cravings during exam season, the dining hall was a safe haven to all.  

while your friends reminisced and laughed at old memories, you nodded distractedly, half-listened to stories, and laughed just in time as the punchline ended. 

ping! a google alert brightened your screen. 

real madrid win champions league final as dortmund rue missed chances.

pride washed over you, but it was soon followed by a wave of sadness. you could imagine the stadium right now: confetti raining from the skies, the crowd singing the real madrid anthem, jude and his teammates lifting the trophy to the sky, and tears streaming down everyone’s face as the entire stadium celebrated. you pictured jude grinning from ear to ear right now and the thought alone made you smile sadly at the table. you could also picture him ending the night at a bar with his team, chatting it up with a girl and taking her home — that thought left a sour aftertaste.

despite yourself your hand itched to pick up the phone and text jude congratulations.

instead, you swiped right on the notification and watched it disappear. 

“you okay?” francie whispered concernedly, resting her chin on your shoulder.

“yeah” you responded, laying your head on top of hers affectionately. “i’m fine.”

after dinner, you all went on one final stroll around campus.

“are you sure you don’t want to join us at the pub?” francie asked.

“come on, for old time’s sake.” ayrton said as he slung his arm around your shoulder.

“you guys go ahead, i’ll be fine,” you encouraged. “i want to soak it all in one last time.”

ayrton and francie looked at each other knowingly but decided not to push you on the matter. “text us if you decide to change your mind,” francie stated, “or if you want some company.”

“i will,” you assured them. “go on. you deserve to have fun.”

“we deserve to have fun,” ayrton clarified, squeezing your hand reassuringly. “call us!”

after you parted ways, you started off in the direction of the halls. around you, the crickets chirped monotonously and the pathways were illuminated by the warm light shining through the buildings. the cool and refreshing breeze picked up the scent of the freshly cut grass and the smell alone soothed your nerves. 

on your way home your mind drifted back to jude. where was he? what was he doing right now? was he thinking of you? did he look for you in the stands earlier, wishing you were there cheering him on?

“figured you’d be the last one to leave campus.”

you froze. that was a voice you could recognize anywhere. 

you searched around for the voice and saw nothing but a deserted campus. confused, you were about to move forward when you heard the ruffling of the leaves above you.

you looked up to find jude balanced on the thick tree branch. he wore a pressed suit with no tie and the first two buttons undone. infuriating as it was, he was still as handsome as ever.

“what are you doing here?” your voice was breathy, unsteady.

“the girl of my dreams graduated with honors today,” he stated. “where else would i be?”

“you’re supposed to be in madrid.”

“the game ended two hours ago.”

“you’re supposed to be celebrating,” you said.

he leapt off the tree.

“there’s nowhere else i’d rather be right now than here with you,” he confessed.

“the last time we spoke…”

“i know,” he interrupted. “it was stupid—i was stupid.”

“i love you,” he announced.

“i knew it from the moment i met you. for whatever reason you seem to believe that the fame, medals, and championships make us incompatible, but strip those away and i am the exact same person. ever since you entered my life, everything has felt incredibly mundane when it is experienced without you by my side. i would move mountains, cross oceans, trade everything in a heartbeat just to be with you, to hear you laugh, to see you smile.”

you were rooted to the spot in disbelief and the silence of the night only amplified the violent outburst of emotion thrumming in your head and heart.

“baby,” jude whispered nervously. “please say something.”

you blinked back the tears threatening to stream down your face. “whatever was said that night was true,” you stated tiredly. “i’m not a supermodel and i can’t pretend to be one or look like one or act like one just so i feel qualified to be your girlfriend. let’s face it: you should date people that belong in your world and i should date people that belong in mine.”

it was a battle coming to terms with that conclusion because despite the fact that it was true, your heart kicked and screamed and protested inside your chest. i am truly, madly, and deeply in love with you, you desperately wanted to shout, i want to risk it all on us. 

feeling the dam of tears behind your eyes ready to burst, you side step to the left and walked past him. 

“my feelings for you are immune to whatever you or anyone has to say,” he called out. 

you turned around, eyes welling up with tears. he approached you with a determined look in his eyes. “what you don’t get is that i want you and there is nothing you or anyone can say or do to change that. fight it all you want but you know that we are meant to be together. to me, there is no other girl that is prettier, funnier or smarter than you. every other girl just pales in comparison. so, trust me when i say there is no competition for my heart—you already won.”

your knees nearly buckled under his resolute gaze. 

“the distance,” you breathed out. “you live in madrid and i live here. i can’t move to madrid. i would hate being followed and photographed in public. the time difference—”

jude let out a tiny humorless laugh as if it was a nonissue, as if he could give you the world with a simple snap of his finger. “it’s a two-hour flight with a one-hour time difference,” he said. “i’ll fly home or i’ll fly you out.”

you tried to imagine another nightmarish scenario of you two together, but you knew, deep down, that any fire your insecurities would light, jude would put out in an instant.

“it's going to take a lot more than that to push me away,” jude whispered tauntingly.

he smiled triumphantly as he sensed you were close to giving in. he wrapped his arm around your waist to draw you nearer, to make it all the more impossible to push him away, literally and figuratively. 

“so, is that a yes? or are you going to break my heart?”

“i don’t know,” you whispered.

jude clasped your hand in his, pressing it to his lips before placing it above his heart. “then break my heart, baby. do whatever you want with it—it’s yours. i’m yours.”

you slid your arms up and above his chest, wrapping it behind his neck and pulling him into a kiss.

in a few seconds he broke it off and murmured, “been waiting a long time to do that, haven’t you?”

you rolled your eyes, “shut up and kiss me, bellingham.”

jude grinned, capturing his lips in yours once more.