Pastry Obsessed

*16 notifs*

“mmm. ok?”

*one is an attack*

“wha?!?! I havent… I havent put any characters up? What did they draw?”

-the old filler sona/oc i put to participate a few years back-

“o-oh.”

I have no answer.

And I gotta say; its funny that our roles reversed.

When we where small I always ADORED the way my brother drew! He would draw complicated stick man scenes. Whole dragons!!!

And I only drew the same my littlest pet shop type animals over and over and over.

We would sit in his room at trace his pokemon cards.

Then he stopped, and I used art as a way to communicate intense feelings and such.

…

anyway

a genuinely pathetic epiphany.

you all…

genuinely.

draw for fun.

there has been this thing ive wanted to draw.

a simple idea i want to put to paper.

but the thought always goes to, “but do i want to dedicate all my time and effort into making this simple idea into a character. Thus being dedicated to this character. Forever.”

but.

I dont need to do that.

I can just scribble this single idea.

hell it doesnt even need to be with a bunch of other doodles. I can just draw this one, arguably uninteresting thing. and let it be that. just as it is.

And then it can just.

be.

I can write a small, jack and a beanstalk au.

and then.

never touch on it ever again.

because i am not making a brand.

i am not selling myself.

i can just.

be?

Kind of hypocritical of me, huh?

Always thinking that the intense desires my peers share about needing their content to have a large number of likes. That they demand reblogs from strangers to get “noticed”.

And to mentally fight against that, I’ve stoped posting. Hell I’ve stopped CREATING!

I have this big chest filled with thousands of drawings that no one knows about but me. All drawn through my school years. And when I started sharing those drawings i just stopped?

My blog should not be a brand that cannot be tainted.

it should be an archive to share with my peers, and make access to my creativity accessible. Anywhere I go.

One that I should feel comfortable editing. Reworking. “Rebranding”.

When did I start feeling such shame? It was definitely before this purge.

Shame in my desire to only draw me. But thats not really true, huh? I heavily enjoy drawing Barf. But because he was inspired by someone elses au i dont draw him. HELL!! My character Chrysalis is inspired by an au/game and I dont draw her cause “no one will know her context”.

I have a portable tablet now!!

so demanding

I got impatient and decided to go for the cheaper one.

but wacom hasnt emailed me that its on its way and i ANTSY!!

ill flip if they took my 500 bucks.

cause im always like “theres old art on it. dont look to close at it” and they are like “you draw?!?”

i sometimes forget that not everyone draws.