Syd

I never realized I missed you until I found you

“I wish I could write something that will make you want to change your mind. I don’t get it. I’ve tried everything. I wrote, I ran, I read, I worked, I slept, I kissed someone new. I got under someone new. I tried everything to feel what you made me feel and nothing will work. my heart will never beat for someone else. It always belonged to you. It was yours before I even knew you. We were destined to be together and I know you feel it too. I’ve never felt so connected to someone before. Everything pulls me to you. Its impossible to let go. How could you be okay with it all? I can’t help but wonder if you look for me in every person you see too? I can’t help but wonder if everyone you kiss makes you wish it was me. I guess not, because if it was the same for you then we’d be together because what would be the point in all this misery. I can’t stop sleeping because every now and then you visit me in my dreams and I get to feel having you all over again. And I know its just a fragment of my imagination and what I feel isn’t actually real but when we kiss it feels pretty close to the real thing and I never wanna wake up. Isn’t that sad? I had you and I lost you and now you only exist in my dreams, I can only feel your touch in my dreams and soon that’ll be gone too. I can’t think of a life where I exist without you. I don’t like to think of that so I keep you alive in any way I can. I write about you, I listen to songs with lyrics that make me feel you, I drive by the hill by your house we used to kiss at, I read the book you lent me over and over again trying to find newer pieces of you in between the lines. I keep you alive in every single way I can and I know that by keeping you alive I’m killing myself slowly. I know its not healthy. I know I need to forget you but I can’t. I dont think i ever will. I want to hold on because what if one day you come back. I’m not holding my breath for it but the idea is whats keeping me alive so I have to hold onto something. I hope you know I miss you too much to be mad anymore.”

“I think there are some people and events in your life that time can never truly heal. I feel as though I’ve finally let go of you after all this time, yet I still miss you. The memories of us still sting in my head and my heart still freezes every time I see you. But I already know we’re done with. I already know our story has ended and I would never forgive myself if I forgave you for hurting me. Despite my feelings of moving on, you’re always going to be a part of me — a part of me that once made me incredibly happy but also destroyed me. And there’s nothing I can change about that.”

“Manage people like how you manage your time. We allow ourselves to get emotionally involved and distracted by things that strip away at our joy and serve no significance in years to come. You don’t have to terminate a relationship with every difficult person in your life . simply decrease the time you invest in that person, control the conversations and enforce new boundaries. Remind people they’re loved, but never allow other people’s behaviour to interfere with your peace of mind. You are your main priority.”

“During troubling times, never lose sight of those who showed up and aggressively supported you until you were back on your feet, and be mindful of those who went silent but eagerly returned when everything returned to normal. No love lost for the latter, but no love gained either”

“The moment you realize that the one person you love isn’t good for you… is heartbreaking.”

I hope one day you realize how fucked up what you did to me was.