Descensus Averno facilis est

death of a bachelor is a good song

it’s a song about a dude being fucking stoked to marry his fiance and poking fun at the ‘marriage is the end right fellas’ culture by saying ‘guess ill die then! worth it!’ and i think that’s neat

All I want in this entire world is to be a mother

“i can leave the door open while i’m cleaning my bathroom,” i reasoned to myself. “surely my beloved cat, Meatball, isn’t dumb enough to try and jump into an open toilet full of Clorox”

i caught this tiny-little fool MID-FUCKING-AIR. i watched him start leaping and time literally slowed down. and then he had the audacity, the NERVE, to beep indignantly at me for ruining his plans

This is exactly how physics does not work.

Why didn’t she just use the lipstick on the door? 

did i ever tell you guys about that time i gave my sister 2000 nickels for her birthday

special ordered them from the bank

thats…thats $100, right? 

Y'all. 2,000 nickels is $400. 2,000÷5. It equals $400.

i’m crying. no, no it doesn’t

i like how you just decided to give your sister 2 kg of copper and nickel.

no it was 10kg (22 lbs). a nickel weighs 5 grams. you people really are terrible at this

abs are cancelled. we all about soft tummies now

My time to shine

cool what the FUCKING HECK does this mean tho

has. has no one else seen these. gen zillenials where u at

i completely understand

I completely understand this

I think I just experienced asmr from looking at these

i fucking used to chew those colorful clear shits

dear lord

Oh my god I remember

shit you right

And those little fucking coloured dogs, what are the dogs called FUCK they helped with numbers and came with huge fucking books they are midnight snacks

a magician asks you to pick a card - any card, in fact. you do. they ask you to put the card back in the pack - anywhere in the pack, in fact. you do. they walk away. ten years later, your wife gives birth to the six of clubs. “is this your card?” the midwife asks, in a familiar voice.