Coming back to this blog after a long period of time is awful. I mostly use it to search random stuff and don't think about the previous meaning of it but every now and then I get a notif of someone liking my old post and remember all the shit that I went through as such a young child, being on this destructive community and before tumblr that self-destructive part of instagram.
I do not only feel bad for my adolescant self, but for all the people who's disorder I may have encouraged by posting such stuff. I wish there was an option to completely delete everything I ever posted on here. I feel even worse because I can't bring myself to completely delete this account for some reason. I don't know if it's something still rooted deep inside me and I think I still can't comprehend how much it all traumatized me. I can find myself doing little things and slipping into these old habits from when I was active in these communities and I don't know if I will ever be able to completely erase the habits I've made during that period. Going through all the posts and the hashtags makes me sick to my stomach because of it all. I don't think there's anything scarier to me. You can say I could just not look at it and delete everything but that's the thing, no matter what I tell myself or others tell me I can't stop thinking about everything and then going on here.
I'm not trying to offend anyone or ridicule them. That's not the point. If anything, I understand why you're on here and that it's not so simple. I'm just finally typing this out to acknowledge what I went through and put it into words. No one in my life knows about it and I need to at least admit it to myself that it wasn't okay to go through that. All the people I've talked to and how much harm they've done to me and I to them. I don't know how much it'll help anyone else but fgs I beg you not to do this to yourself. You are needed and loved no matter what.
If you or someone you know has a mental illness, there are ways to get help. Use these resources to find help for yourself, a friend, or a f

























