ruin & ruination

Daniel: Hm. Technically you'll have to kiss me to verify that.

Daniel: Although you do have a point, there's no reason to engage in contact if she didn't like me. Fair enough. Even if she's avoiding me now.

Daniel: A vacation sounds nice, and yes, there's plenty of beaches. I would take you if I could figure out how to get you into the projection.

Daniel: So far, only Salma and Azra have been on the astral plane. And out of both experiences, I'd rather have Azra in there.

Kian: well. what if i'm a horrible kisser and i can't tell? i might not be the best judge for that, y'know

Kian: maybe she's just confused. do you want me to ask evelyn for you? could just be some sort of... girl thing. i don't know.

Kian: slow down there, at least buy me dinner first. although i feel like you'd rather pick azra over me for an astral projection beach date

Daniel: I don't know, I can't exactly kiss myself and determine the outcome.

Daniel: It didn't seem like a bad kiss.

Daniel: I'm hoping she still likes me as a person. We are good friends, at least, I assumed we were? Not sure anymore.

Daniel: Good, no fires in the house. I don't think people are still over what happened in the library.

Daniel: No one is giving you any trouble over that, right?

Daniel: A couple of days? Tempting.

Daniel: But who'll spot you in the gym then?

Kian: well i'm sure you're a great kisser. probably. you're not bad at anything you do so

Kian: i mean she wouldn't kiss you if she didn't like you so it could be safe to assume she still likes you?

Kian: she wouldn't kiss you then not like you, right

Kian: nah, no more library troubles. at least not to my face anyways

Daniel: I didn't think so?

Daniel: Although she's been avoiding me since so. It's a possibility.

Daniel: This is a mess.

Daniel: Don't start a pyre. You'll set off the fire alarms.

Kian: wait, are YOU a bad kisser?

Kian: maybe she just doesn't like you

Kian: fuck, no i didn't mean that. maybe she does like you

Kian: which one did you prefer?

Kian: i'm not gonna start a pyre inside, please

“hey.” he knocks on the door gently, pushing it open slightly. he peeks his head in, carefully. “you still awake?” 

he doesn’t wait for an answer to wallk in. he’s hit the maximum quota for courtesy. 

“i’m never against you smiting a few of us here and there, but give me a heads up as to when you’re planning to do so so i can get the body bags ready, hm?” he’s half-grinning, no humour in the show of teeth. “can i at least get a hit list so i know which victim i’d like to join in with your terrorizing?” 

he sits at the end of her bed, no qualms of taking up space, eyes unflickering as he watches her carefully. 

DATE & TIME: July 18th, 12.15am LOCATION: The library STATUS: Closed for @incinerxtes

There had been little to no rest for Annaliese since the incident in the morning, though she was grateful that most of the water in the library was gone, courtesy of Azra. Unfortunately, dealing with water damaged books were a little trickier, the chances of the ink running, pages tearing or sticking together caused her to hesitate on letting the other councillor attempt to draw the water out. 

Which left her here, using a hairdryer set to the cool and lowest setting, slowly letting pages dry. At least she had Kian’s company ( and more snacks ). He’d turned up earlier wanting to help, and who was she to say no to an extra pair of hands? However, she didn’t quite trust him with the restoration of certain books, she herself was not quite sure if there were some that were beyond salvaging, and so she’d set him up with the task of making sure the rest of the books were protected should such an event occur again.

In other words, he was now in the midst of making sure each had it’s own plastic covering, which she supposed would make do until they upgraded the library or she found enough airtight boxes to store them in.

It was peaceful, the companionable silence, both working on their own tasks, and honestly, she would have been fine with leaving it as it were, but they both happened to glance up at the same time, and so she smiled.

“ Thank you, for helping, ” Spoke loud enough to be heard over the low hum of the dryer, yet still hushed as if not wanting to break the stillness of the late night. “ I never thought that something like this would happen. ”

It’s the least he can do, he supposes - ankle-deep in water at the doorway with a tray of cookies and a small smile that’s too unfamiliar on his face, offering to help in a way they both know he can’t.

gentle, she had said. careful. 

he does what he can, bags the books the way she showed him, clumsy hands tearing a few pages here and there when he’s too rough with the soggy paper the first few tries. he supposes the authors won’t mind a few tears, a couple of singes here and there, no? 

(so he tried to speed up the drying process. sue him. he’s sure there’s more copies of edgar allan poe’s bemoaning poetry in the world out there. surely no one will miss it, he figures) 

“it’s nothing. better than just sitting around and doing nothing anyways.” he averts his eyes from hers too quickly, focuses too hard on the book in his hands. the bible. go figure. 

“to be fair, i don’t think any of us would have been able to forsee any of this bullshit happening. hard enough to explain a talking cat and why dan can fling himself into the astral plane as he pleases. explanation is a concept beyond us at this point.” he shrugs, carefully closing the bag on the book before pushing it back on its spot on the shelf. “don’t beat yourself up over it. i’m sure we’ll have lifetimes to gather whatever’s lost again anyways.” 

(he’s quite certain he’s done worse in a lifetime, right?) 

“do you need help with that?” he nods to her hairdryer, whirring softly between them. “I can - well, i - i can promise i won’t burn any of the pages. i can just heat it up a bit so that you don’t have to - “ 

Daniel: Something happened while I was on the astral plane. Something unexpected. In Istanbul.

Daniel: Azra kissed me.

Daniel: And now she won't talk to me.

Daniel: Need your help.

Kian: wait what

Kian: was it... bad?

Kian: or was it good? fuck, i don't know dan.

she sits on the ground, legs tucked in close because she needs what little comfort she can find and she watches him pace and she misses the days it was just the three of them with justice coming through the door only to leave again. she hides in her knees, eyes falling away from him. the flowers shift in the dusk, petals unfurling. they wind a little high before she lets them sleep again. 

she’s hurt, evelyn nearly says. she’s not fine. it’s painful to think. and it’s painful that she’s not the one to be saying those sweet, empty promises. she doesn’t think she can anymore. that hurts too.

she lets him pace and she still stays quiet. her breath catches. the little light at the end of his cigarette catches her eye, like a firefly fluttering in the dark. the ash flutters to the ground. a part of her is jealous that he has something to do, even if it is just smoking. she nearly asks for one but she doesn’t really want it. she just wants to smother the worry that pulls her like a weight under water.

“she’s alive,” evelyn whispers, because she thinks he might need to hear the words from someone else.

she can feel the sting of tears then. she’s not even upset at herself for feeling them. that moment, in the meeting, when feiyan had appeared, her heart had stopped. she wasn’t entirely sure it had started again. the tremble in her hands had lasted long after the vision had disappeared. the ‘no’ sat on her tongue for hours, a whisper of agony, as chaos erupted around her and all she could do was stand in place and stare at where her mother had been standing.

she uses her sleeve to dry the tears before they can fall. her breathing is sharp. it cuts like a knife. feiyan was disappointed with them. even when the pair of them had wreaked havoc, she never made them feel like failures. scolded them, yes, but there was never punishment for exploring their powers. but they were letting her down now. 

“we have to. and i think––” she takes another shuddering breath. she stands up, stiff from being so tight. there’s that height difference between them, just as there always was, and she looks up at him and sees the young boy she met twenty years ago. her hand takes the one that isn’t bringing the cigarette to his lips. she stands in the smoke, tasting it in the air, but doesn’t move away. her fingers curl over his and her hand falls to his shoulder. she can’t just let him pace his agitation anymore. she needs the comfort now. 

“kian,” she doesn’t look at him but there’s a strength in her voice that was there before. “i can’t sit around anymore. we have to find our mom. i think i have an idea. feiyan –– or that, that thing, whatever it was –– said something has escaped, right? that must be what the doubles are. some kind of manifestations of that, or something. i don’t know. but the doubles are obsessed with the leylines. you’re right, we’re onto something. when we all checked them out last time, there was just, like, a ton of shit on top of them. maybe we need to go back and see now that it’s cleared up. see what happens when our magic gets close to them. i don’t know. i don’t even know if that makes sense.” her head adjusts and she curls into him more.

“i need to do something, kian.”

how to tell the world is ending: it is him who is the bringer of feeble positivity. 

the world must be truly fucked. 

he gathers the girl in his arms, knows no answers to her questions, knows nothing of what to do when they are just two orphaned - stolen - parentless - infinite - things - puppets - children -

he knows how to hold her right, and it’s a start. 

“she’s alive. that’s enough for now.” he does mention that even if it is, then it isn’t for much longer. there’s a heaviness in the air that says it for them. 

there’s a sharp breath at the words spilling out of her mouth and he’s trying to catch them all, trying to wring the sadness, the worry, the panic out of all of them. wants to be that promise he made - to be that answer, to be that result, to be anything more than just this - helpless. 

at the thought of fei’s apparition looking at them like that - looking through them like that even as she’s half translucent - there’s no other word for it. it makes him feel sick. 

he settles for putting out the cigarette, finding a small release at how it’s crushed under his feet. hands curl themselves around stray strands of evelyn’s hair, small patterns they have known since they were but children, running through fields, knowing no better. 

thinking the world was theirs to save, that there would be no bloodshed, no heartache to come with it. thinking it would be easy. thinking that the world asks - asks them - to be saved. 

“you’re right - i - we can’t just sit here and do nothing. but we’ve gotten something - even if we don’t know what it is yet, it’s something. the ley lines have to mean something, and we’ve - well, we’ve done what we can for now but we can go back. we’ll fix them and get - get dan to look at it and maybe he’ll know more. start looking to see if there’s more. anything.” 

he wants to say more, wants to have some sort of definitive to give her. something more than just some half phased plan, but he’s always been best at subpar disappointments. 

“but now - now, we can take a breather. just - just digest it. rest. fei will still be okay in the morning, and we - we can’t do anything more for today.” 

he holds her, half for her comfort and half for his own grounding. 

“Time is everything,” Daniel countered. “You don’t get time back, you can’t repeat it. Choosing to actively spend your precious time with someone means something, doesn’t it?”

Despite his words, the concept felt entirely new to the data scientist. Most of his life, he had spent hours reading. Knowledge and literature were chosen facets that he wanted to waste his energy upon, these things fulfilling him. Arriving to the lair seemed to change that ; he had friends for once, even if time somehow felt oddly limited. 

“You’re welcome,” Daniel replied, returning the small smile. “You should be honest, be honest with yourself. Sometimes I get so caught up with numbers and equations, I need to take a step back ; I need to take a break. Logically, the best move is to be honest with myself and how I can’t solve everything in one night.”

He wasn’t entirely sure if that strategy could be applied to Kian’s situation but it definitely helped keep his ego in check. Nothing in the universe could be conquered with ease, it took patience and diligence. Emotions were … another confusing matter that seemed to manifest in a similar manner, their intensity growing over long periods of time. 

“Start with how you feel right now.” 

fuck. he’s right.

and of course he is, kian thinks - dan has never been anything but, and if there’s anything he’d put his money on, it’d be his friend’s penchant for always having the right answer. 

he probably should have seen this one coming. his tongue feels like sandpaper in his mouth as he tries to formulate a semblance of a response. 

“i mean - i guess. we were here the longest so - there... wasn’t a lot of options?” 

ever the wordsmith, he was. 

it’s less mental berating and more easy grins though, when he’s with the other. eloquence is something left at the door and kian has faith in dan untangling the mess of his less than smooth thoughts.

“nah, not one night. that’s unreasonable. maybe two, though - that’s a fair goal to have to solve everything, no?” he’s smiling, all teeth. “i’m here tomorrow after dinner too. maybe you’ll solve all the universe’s questions then.” 

there’s the wheels spinning in his head as he tries to find the words to answer dan’s last request - what do you feel what do you feel - god, has anyone thought to ask? has he? if there’s a right answer to this, kian certainly doesn’t know it. 

“You could pin it on Bree,” she says like she’s telling him he could wear a jacket outside or he could get a snack when he’s hungry or he could make fire with his hands if he’s cold. It’s a perfectly reasonable suggestion and not at all a joke, because even though she doesn’t think he should or would do it, it’s what makes sense.

She nearly reaches up to pat him on the shoulder in consolation. Nobody ‘has her down’, not even her mother. Some days she’ll jump at literally anything and others she wafts through life perfectly unfazed. A bomb could go off beside her ear, fifty-fifty shot she doesn’t even notice. 

She’s noticed the bomb that just went off in The Lair, though. Her eyes drop back to the pool’s surface, watching the water as it ripples away from Kian’s ankles. “It’s not like that,” she mumbles, shaking her head so her hair tumbles down to hide her face. “I keep trying to see her. Or anything about where she is. I would take that-” That being the that he mentions, that being Feiyan appearing like some kind of ghost to tell them how badly they were doing without her- “over… nothing at all.”

Leaning on his shoulder suddenly seems like a great idea. She definitely does not try it, not even for a second. Not even hypothetically. “Do you think that was really a message from her?”

he laughs at that, a sharp sound. he hasn’t had enough practice in making it a softer sound, and it rings in the space between them. “i’m sure everyone would find a way to pin me to an untimely murder, reasonable or not. makes more sense that it’d be me than anyone else, no?” 

he wishes he didn’t sound so bitter, but when fei’s taught - trained - him to swallow fire, to keep ash under his tongue instead of at his fingertips - the aftertaste is always there, echoing his words. he wants to say he’s gotten used to it. 

a lie, but who’s keeping track anyways? 

“you won’t see anything.” there’s a certainty there, the only one he has left of fei. “if she wanted us to find her - we would have. she would have left something. anything. if she wanted you - us - to see a vision - “ the words break, brittle. 

“ - it’d be well received.” 

there’s that hesitation, that lingering of something in the air that’s always between them. it’s neither awkward nor comfortable, and ripples in the water widen as she joins him. 

There is not much to say to that, not when something in her had believed Fei instantly, despite her questions ( which had, in all honesty, leaned more towards the interrogative side ). Magic, something the outside world would scoff at, say wasn’t real, and yet here they were. But magic came with it’s own set of rules, own set of consequences, and wasn’t that a sort of logic in itself? 

“ Trying to read, ” she corrects, because after all this while he is still a blur. “ You don’t make any sense either. You know this, I have never been able to read you very well, and one day I will find out the reason. Everyone else practically screams them at me, and yet it’s been 12 years and I still aren’t able to properly sense yours. ”

Her fingers are at her earlobe again, tugging slightly, a tell tale sign of when she’s thinking deeply again. “ Besides, magic and ancients and reincarnation is a lot easier to accept when there is proof that it’s been happening for centuries like clockwork. I’ve never heard of anyone else failing so miserably at baking before. I even brought out a pipette and that milligram weighing scale. ”

A slight blush tinges her face at that admission, and she quickly grasps on to another topic. “ I am not too short for the top shelf, it just takes more of an effort. ” If it were someone else, perhaps they might have added a ‘ duh ’, but in this instance the expression she was wearing would surely be enough.  Something flashes in her eyes at the importance bit, but she chooses to let it go.

The knife thuds on board a little too sharply, a little too harshly, perhaps the only thing that would belie him. “ If we know that why are we still fighting? Surely everyone knows a council divided is not a good thing, is especially not something Fei wanted. ” 

It would never be easy, to have so many different people, so many different histories of lifetimes and past connections and current connections and wanting different things, to come together and work together smoothly, but they had managed with Fei, she was the one who had always bound them together. So why could they not let her do the same now? That finding her should be the first priority, whatever own personal grudges and wishes be second.

And there is a touch of guilt, at the memory of the last council meeting. Failing. She was here to do her duty, and yet until now no concrete leads to be found, nowhere closer to what happened to Fei. “ I know I haven’t found anything yet, but there has to be something. I’ll find it soon. Fei wouldn’t leave us with nothing. ”

Fingers change into a firm hold, doesn’t like how he’s thinking, what he’s saying. The council is not as strong with even one less, and more than that is the friend she’s had for 12 years. “ Oh? Would Eve say that? Would Daniel, would Lailani, would Mitch? Just because you feel like you haven’t done enough doesn’t mean that you aren’t enough. Without you we’d be a lot worse off. ”

The intensity has gone on longer than it was supposed to be for a late night bake session, and perhaps pushing too much would lead to the opposite of what she wants to achieve, and so she tries for a more light-hearted joke. “ Do you need a powerpoint on why we need you, what you’ve done for the council? Is this your way of getting me to stoke your ego? ” A light laugh, eyes shining, but there’s still a little worry hidden away.

aren’t they both lucky things that fei has perhaps taught him too well, that the control he has with the curl of fingertips extends into how he touches her - how he doesn’t? 

understandable, he had tried to justify it. how many lifetimes has he ended it for them? how many has he ruined, if not? wouldn’t you be tired of all this ember and ash, of having to clean it up lifetime after lifetime? 

careful control, fei had always told him. too much results in nothing good. 

he can see her looking at him with those eyes, knows that mind of hers is trying to find answers, tries to find feelings he has long since buried, lock and key underneath the graves of the people he used to be. 

too much, he wants to tell annalise, stepping closer. please.

“shame. though it’s for the best - god knows if you tried to read me, all you’d get is constant annoyance and sleep deprivation.” he says it so easily, doesn’t meet her eyes. “and here i was, thinking i was doing you a favour - isn’t one less person’s emotions cluttering around that head of yours a relief?” 

it feels wrong to laugh as of late, but still, she coaxes a short one out of him, shaking his head slightly at how upset she seems. “you’re tiny. and you’ve wasted your money on that pipette and whatever weight - i’ll show you a better way one day. that is, if your cookies don’t end up burning - and not because of me.” 

he’s always been shit at ignoring her, though he does his best whilst dicing the strawberries into too-little pieces; tries to bypass the mention of fei and nothing, tries to bypass fingers on arms saying something he doesn’t want to read, tries to bypass how voices are light and forced through and he wishes he could bare his teeth at her just so she would leave. 

(not that he wants her to, but want and necessity are rarely conjoined, and kian knows better than to believe himself exempt from duty. when it came down to it, do the feelings matter? so what if evie - if annalise - if dan - if fei, even - ) 

( - so what? when it comes down to it, what would you do for them? against them, if it calls for it? who else but you? who else could ever stomach such a thing?) 

(best keep feeling out of it. he tries to keep the indifference around her words, but there’s a flicker of a scowl that’s misplaced in the nonchalance he’s so carefully left for her to read from him) 

“not doing enough is being not enough.” he says shortly, leaves it at that. “grab the piping bag on the top shelf, please - pick whichever nozzle you’d like.” 

there’s a laugh but there’s that worry, and his smile is a grim line at best. 

we’re living in the currents you create when & where: july 4th, 9:14pm, pool open

Only one thing had made sense to her all day, and that was Balfour’s snarled denouncement of the Feiyan they had all seen at the meeting. Lailani had spent the rest of the afternoon restlessly drifting from place to place, her fingers twisting her sleeves to bits as it played out again and again in her mind. Even at their worst, Feiyan had never outright told any of the Councilors they were failures… It just wasn’t her style.

Though it had been months since her disappearance, and they had accomplished… nothing. Couldn’t even decide on a new leader, if any, an issue which grew more worrying by the moment now that it was apparent someone - something? - was out there trying too tempt them all to… The Ancients only knew what.

She wound up beside the pool, thinking the gentle sloshing of the water would calm her nerves. Just the opposite; every errant sound or reflection off the ripples made her teeth chatter. She stayed anyway. Footsteps nearby nearly sent her crashing into the water. She yanked her sweater tighter around herself, turning to greet the newcomer, desperately hoping the only reflection she would see in this room was the jumbled one in the water. 

balance, maybe, is the reason he finds himself at the pool in the evening. he’s never felt anything close to powerless, but what with fei’s apparition - god, it was close enough for him. 

here, it is just muted. the fire sings with the waves, and he remembers too well how proud fei was when he had mastered the flickering flames atop the chlorinated water. 

would she be able to say the same of him now? 

“careful, or you’ll fall in. last thing i need is to be witness to an accidental drowning and then be pinned as your murderer.” he sits down next to the girl, dangling feet over the edge, making more ripples next to her. 

“jumpy or just jumpier? can’t tell with you anymore, honestly. thought i had it down for a second there, but with the past coupl’ve days - “ kian sighs, tries to meet her eyes and looks past her shoulders into the horizon instead. “‘s stupid to ask if everything’s okay, no?” 

a pause. 

Perhaps he knows just how much it aggravates her, that he is able to do that, the unexplainable knack of getting things just right. Narrows her eyes at him, lips falling back into a pout as she braces her arms on the counter. “ It matters, ” she begins primly. “ Because it seems illogical. Everything has to have a reasoning behind it, and by all accounts my cookies should turn out well, except they don’t. It doesn’t make any sense. ”

( Perhaps a sign, for all your reliance on logic and reasoning and intellect and rationale, that intuition might be what you’re looking for. After all, was in not mostly that feeling in your gut that lead you to follow Fei, that told you that this world of magic was real? Is not this magic you have running through your veins now an anti testament to all your facts and logic? )

“ Oh, I don’t know about that. You’re plenty useful helping me shelve and organize things. ” She quirks an eyebrow at him. It is light-hearted, and yet she feels that anything more heavy would result in a brush off. There are more of them that doubt their worth or usefulness to the council, something she doesn’t quite understand herself, for there was always that understanding of each having their own duty to fulfill.

“ Maybe. ” All plausible, and yet it will not stop her brain from running until she gets concrete evidence proving any such theories, an event that doesn’t seem likely for now.  Looks up at the strawberry above her, doesn’t think much about standing on tip toes to reach it with her mouth, an instinctive reaction to ‘ open ’. Teeth almost graze fingers ( or do they, just barely? ) and the thought for a polite apology is there, but her mouth is full and as she replies that the strawberry is safe from Evelyn’s experimentation he has already turned away.

And this is the part she finds the most frustrating about not being able to read him, when words of this manner come out of his mouth. Normally she welcomes the quiet, a relief against the demanding voices of others’ emotions, a refuge for her tired sense, but at these times wishes she knew how much he means those words, how much he believes in them, and what could dissuade from them.

“ He’s not. ” Her voice is sharp and firm, the tone it take when she talks about something she has full faith in, when she’s trying to get her point across. Wonders if it will even have an effect. Rationale and logic, she has discovered, cannot always sway human emotion. “ We don’t know what their intentions are, but that’s beside the point. He’s wrong. ”

Hesitantly, tentatively, fingers move to his arm. She’s never been able to sense much of his emotions, and that’s normal, but now he’s hiding his face from her as well, and she has never been one for the physical much, but she needs to get him to see. “ He’s wrong. ”

“you’ve been living with a woman who’s found twenty reincarnated strangers across five lifetimes and you’re currently reading the emotions of a pyrokinetic who’s baking cookies. or cake. you’re still going to try and use logic to explain all of this?” he says drily, that natural bite in his voice setting it. “of all things, i think your little cookies should be granted pardon for defying logic and reason.”

he says it with so much confidence, as if he hasn’t spent one too many nights holding flame to skin and wondering why he, of all people, shouldn’t be deserving of a burning. 

“ah, so i’m book shelver on top of the house cookie maker. truly my calling. how lucky i am that everyone around me was born a poor cook and too short for the top shelf to boot.” voices are dipping into sarcasm, though there’s no malice. “careful, or you’ll have me thinking i’m too important in this house. wouldn’t want that now, do we?” 

(let us ignore how teeth brush fingertips, how he knows too well how to calm hearts and breaths. how he is always so acutely aware that if she comes too close, she’ll catch fire for something hardly worth the momentary warmth it brings) 

he steps away, concentrates on making sure the batter falls evenly on the tray. it hardly even requires thinking to preheat the oven, no need for wearing gloves when he slides the pan in, busies himself on making frosting. he chops a little too many strawberries necessary for the toppings, and with a touch too much vehemence. 

how he bites back a scoff, settles for a smile that looks too much like a grimace instead. “i’m pretty sure their intentions are to divide us - and given how shit we operate without fei, it really isn’t going to take much at this rate. wait a couple more weeks and they wouldn’t even need to bother with showing up in the first place.” 

he likes to think he did a stupendous job of ignoring her first statement until she comes closer, touch too gentle. he hates it. hates more that he almost flinches. 

what does he know of the world? 

that he has never been too far out of these four walls, and if so, never for long - that it is too big and he has had to start as many fires as he has had to put out to see the sunrise today - that he has been through this five times and that it is never kind - that it is undeserving - 

that it is the girl before him but not like this, but smiling - that it is a woman who found him in a city made of volcanic ash - that it is sparklers and birthday candles and bonfires and warmth - that it is two girls he has worried too many times - that it is too kind for the likes of him - 

the world is a home, and without her, the world is not the same to them. 

“she’s not hurt. she’s not - she’s fine.” ignore the frazzled look of the usually composed woman, ignore the haunted look she gave them all, one by one. “she’s still alive. she’s just - “ 

in the moonlight, only a few flowers bloom wide. he’s nearly gone through half a pack since fei’s apparition left them, and the smoke trailing from his mouth doesn’t seem to be stopping soon. 

“ - she’s disappointed. in us. fuck, i - “ he doesn’t want to ask what to do, doesn’t want to be helpless, can’t be - needs to be an answer, a fucking result for all he was meant to symbolize. not nothing. not nothing. not to her. to either of them. 

a deep breath. more smoke. he’s so tired. “we’re on the right track, at least. with the ley lines. but she said something escaped - so even if we closed them right there’s still more to it. but we’re onto something. anything.” is it enough? is he enough? he doesn’t look at evelyn, just sinks short nails into palms instead. 

She isn’t quite sure why she’s here, given that whenever she watched Kian baking it leaves her all the more frustrated. ( A lie, you’ve never been able to live with something that doesn’t make sense, not knowing. ) Lips turn from a pout before teeth start worrying at them, his words instantly making her stand a little straighter, moving to look at him across the table. 

“ It just doesn’t make any sense, ” she begins, arms crossed and a frown gracing her brows. “ Do you even know what you’re making? How does it always turn out so well when you don’t even attempt to follow any sort of recipe? ”

It had been years since she began her attempts at cooking, or baking, and yet despite her following the recipes to a tee, it had never seemed to work out well. It was one of the mysteries she was determined to crack, everything had to have an explanation, she refused to believe that there wasn’t a sort of logic behind it, no matter how convoluted.

A shake of the head at the mention of the situation the council now found themselves in, there was no way that it could stray from her mind. “ I don’t exactly want an encounter, but at the same time I can’t figure out why I haven’t had one when everyone else has. Surely this has to mean something. ” 

Eyes watch him closely, for unlike the others, he also is one of the mysteries she has yet to solve. It’s been years, and yet she is still unable to get a read on his emotions, unable to get a hint of what he might truly be thinking. And for someone like her, so used to relying on cues from others to act, it is a little disconcerting, yet a little freeing.

“ You … haven’t told me about what happened. ” Her eyes still focused on trying to see any little facial expressions, trying to read his body language, for this is the only way she can attempt to grasp his emotions. “ Strawberries, please. ”

“with all the gods have fucked me over with, at least let me have my baking skills as minor compensation in peace.” he’s quirking an eyebrow in amusement as he looks at her, doesn’t even shift his gaze as he dumps an unknown amount of milk into the batter. it sounds about right anyways. “‘sides, what does it matter if i don’t follow a recipe? if it tastes good then that’s all that matters. and you don’t need to worry if your cookies don’t turn out as good, since that’s what i’m here for - well, all i’m here for, according to evelyn.”

there’s that small smile. it’s almost soft. it’s not as worn around the edge as he is these past few days. 

“maybe it means something and maybe it doesn’t. maybe it means you’re lucky, or you maybe it’s because you’d feel whatever intentions your double would have before they could even try and trick you, so why out themselves to begin with? maybe the ancients just fucked up a head count. who knows.” he puts down the bowl and pulls the strawberries from the fridge, washes them in silence as he considers her request. 

what happened? god, as if he knew. where would he even begin? 

he pulls one of the bigger strawberries from the batch, holds it over her head to take or to bite. “open. test. think evelyn’s working on growing some mutations ‘nd i wanna make sure they don’t taste like lemons by mistake.” 

the silence of the unanswered request stretches for a few minutes more, until the man is back to pouring the mix onto trays and sheets carefully, pointedly looking away from the girl. 

he didn’t dare move as the pressure on his arm was lifted, as it reaches towards his pocket, breath halting in his throat as his ear still rings from the gunshot. 

then the pressure is lifted and he sags against the wall, falling to his knees, one hand on the brickwork to keep him upright. he watches, mouth slightly agape at the efficient way that kian appears, deals with his assailant who is, all of a sudden, unconscious on the ground.

a half laugh slips from parted lips and he flips off the stranger, before pushing himself up to crouch, arms wrapped around his shins. 

“ my saviour “ he smirks, sarcasm and appreciate rolled together. he reaches up to touch the side of his face, he thinks he might be bleeding from his right ear, and that side of his face is scratched up to hell. nothing dana can’t fix in a while.

he tilts his head back and lets out a sigh, tries to release the adrenaline coursing through his system. it’s strange, how unfamiliar life and death has become in a place where that’s what they think they are fighting for, two months (he thinks) and his survival skills have plummeted. 

“ you have to have realised by now that i am never serious, and i am only half tryng to not get myself killed, and none of you were in any danger. “ he can feel his breathing settle, so his pushes off the wall up to his feet, taking a moment to let his balance settle again. 

kian’s glare is fiery, burning into his face like a shoe grinds a cigarette, but he knows enough to know that it isn’t at him. “  i was just going for a walk, and i honestly didn’t mean to take it, i just did? and i gave the money to the kid that was here so yeah if you’ve got cash i’ll recompense - is that how you use that word? - my loses cause i don’t know how deep feiyan’s pockets go when she’s not here and that’s what i’m going off of. “

it is only blood. only bone. only fire. the boy will live despite his small cuts, despite the shaky smirk he gives him. kian almost wants to scoff. 

(for all he is, careless is not a descriptor to be used on him. they have come too far, they are still too far for such fuck-ups now) 

(we learn from our scarring. remember the first life, metal through flesh, towers crumbling. how your voice is immortalized in a howl, how no one will pray to ruins of temples or merciless gods. we learn, but some better than others) 

he ignores mitch’s words and chooses to scowl at the ones that come afterwards.

“the only thing i’m realizing is that i frankly, don’t give a shit about what suicidal pact you have against the world, but that half trying to not get myself killed isn’t good enough. i’m the last person to give a shit if we all die, but i’ll be damned if it’s for a reason as stupid as you couldn’t use half your brain to flesh out basic logic. we’re not doing this to fei again. i’m not going to.” 

the guilt of the world is always a heavy thing. he has too much teeth to be atlas, but his back aches all the same. 

“don’t bother with the losses.” god, he needs a cigarette. “we have enough. fei’s got enough to last us.” 

he sighs, rubs at his temples and cracks a few more knuckles before looking between mitch and the unconscious man before them. 

Daniel quirked an eyebrow, not entirely sure what the other meant about being ‘better at it’. If anything, he struggled to understand the delicate intricacies surroundings relationships sometimes ; whenever feelings were involved, judgement usually became clouded by apparent emotions. It wasn’t anything surprising … but he never quite understood it. His parents were always logical, pushing forth the idea of thinking rather than comfort ( whereas the rest of society ran with the opposite ideals ). 

“I’m sure the trust and familiarity between you two is a testament of all the years you’ve known each other. It’s natural for you to know more than the average person about our high priestess,” Daniel noted, glancing at his friend. 

“Although I wouldn’t argue that I’m better at this than you. But that doesn’t mean I won’t help you either. I can help sort out whatever you’re thinking, whatever you wish to say.” 

Regardless of what the council thought about Kian, the data scientist didn’t find the tower to be a waste. Kian had his own talents, his own goals ― if anything, Daniel was ready to help his friend with his current predicament. Even if that meant having to venture into unknown territory of expressing one’s feelings. 

they are perhaps the last people to be heading such a project - expression, for fuck’s sake - did it look like either of them were capable of such?

it was easier like this, what they had just now - easy silence, no need for empty words said for the sake of saying it, no need for flowery poetics or grand gestures. it took growing up with evelyn (and a healthy dash of her persistence combined with her ever-sunny grin that even he couldn’t shy away from) to just have his arm around the other without it feeling out of place. 

this is a new area entirely and kian has at least negative six ideas of how to venture into it. with dan, he’s certain the count is brought up to a solid zero at least. 

“‘natural’ is a bit overdoing it, maybe. ‘m not really - just - really, just time. time and being in the lair together for so long, that’s it. notihin’ special, if it was anyone other than me they’d be able to do the same. probably better.” he’s mumbling. 

at his friend’s words, he manages to crack a smile, laughing a little to himself. “there’s not much that you aren’t better at than me. but - thank you. i’m - well, i don’t really know how to start. not really sure how - well, i even feel about it in the first place. sorry. i know i’m not much help.”