What's the point

LOL My ex was scorpio, I was a libra and the thickness of the red colored glasses that i used to justify why the red flags look just like normal flags.

have you been like in the middle of writing a perfect pitch for yourself and suddenly realised that wowww ‘”I am actually a vat of shit”?

Or like having that “oh shit” moment realising that you’re so good at beginning (too good), so you just ended up a disappointment 98% of the time?

Not sure if this is true (me being a vat of shit) or its just insecurity speaking. 

F,

I know that there will never be enough words to makes sense of this but I know you are the kind who loves attention to details and so I will detail out as much as possible cause I guess this will help me too.

I didn’t expect to be sending you this. To be honest these words had been sitting in my draft folder since last year. To be honest I was expecting different outcome, or at least my feelings would change. I keep on rooting for you for well, at least for 7 years. And as I said in our last conversation, that would be that last time I’ll ever ask.

I want you to know that this is the hardest decision I had to ever make. The idea of losing you is like losing a best friend, a half of me. Nobody knows me better than you do (not even myself). Who I am is you. You’re my compass whom I based all my life decision on. Never in my life I imagine it would come to this. However, I think its time for me to find who I am without you now. Otherwise I will forever continue to be gutted for the life I’ve chosen.

Our love is a losing game. Like I said, there is a part of me who would forever be blaming you for never been around enough, for the bad things that happened to me. I made my life about you for 7 years but I’ve grown used to not having you around. Whenever I am unhappy, I keep on thinking about how I might had made a different decision and going to take that job in Europe instead of staying, partly if not merely, because of you.

Instead I decided to stay, wait for you, and faced the worst unimaginable scenario that ever happened to me. What happened to me was not your fault. But I am still gutted at how you had every chance possible to do better yet you never did. You could had been around better before and after that. I always seems fine, you know that, but nothing could had helped me better than having someone I love and trust around. You know how much I hate and scared of being alone. You let me continue to live alone, went into lockdown alone. I was not that strong but I thought after knowing me for so many years you would had figured that out. You could had offered me the company. I thought that’s what you do for someone you love, you want to sleep next to them every night and protect them. And for another one and a half year, I was rooting for you to give me that.

I keep on playing this scenario in my head of how much of a better life I deserve. When I was at the lowest after changing to new job, you were busy too. I understand. You have your own battle. But I’m weak. I don’t want to put myself in that position again. I don’t think I can.

It’s a losing game cause there is a part of me who will never be able to forget how you failed me (one day, I promise), but I don’t want to go into marriage feeling resentful towards my own husband. I respect and love you too much to be doing that.

Secondly, I’ve changed. I want different things now. I want certainty. I want a faint hope of good life and the afterlife. I cant be fighting your fight. You alone can do it.  I want to find my anchor and I want us to stop weighing each other down. I understand we both were drowning but I’m tired of staying afloat. And I wish my move would leave you to find your own anchor. But we have to stop drowning together now. This is such a fight and we deserve better lives. You deserve someone who can protect you and take care of you which I couldn’t .

I’m letting go. I know you’ll be alright cause you always do. and you’ re a great person and I wont be holding you down anymore. I'm not the perfect one, you are. I love you so much and I always pray that God will protect you.

None of these are your fault. You’re perfect and I could not have asked for better. But things change, situations change, feelings change. How much I’m grateful for you, that will never change. You’re the nicest person I know. I love how strangers would randomly chat with you cause have the kindest smile. stray cats are drawn to you like you’re magnet. I’m a good character judge, and you’re just the rarest kind of kind.

I will always love you. You had been a part of me I can never eliminate. You are the other half of me. I am who I am for who you are and I love you as much as anyone love oneself. I can never hate you cause that would be hating myself.

And I hope you love me enough to make this easy for me too. Please don’t beg (if you plan to) cause I promise you that this is the best for us. I care so much about you that I don’t want us to end up being enemies. Whenever possible, I want to be there for you. And I always pray that God will make this easy for us. I wish there is more I can do, but please know I’ll always be around for you and will always care for you. Thank you for all your love, tolong maafkan semua salah silap I and tolong halalkan makan minum I.

Until then,

I’m rewatching Community again and I reached that “Remedial Chaos Theory” episode where Jeff was throwing a dice to decide to had to take the pizza and hence it leads to creation of 6+1 timelines.

In the “actual” timeline Abed catch the dice before it falls instead and said “I don't think you should. Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless, raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together on the raft of life, held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable”.

Yesterday, someone shared with me a good work opportunity that I might want to try. About 2 years ago I was offered the best work opportunity and I was ready to go. I was through with the visa and all. Then I was called for another interview, locally, but its a place i figured would make me the most contented. My heart wanted to go for option 1. However, people around me was just like “you know what, just try to go to the interview, you might not get it”. I went to the interview so unprepared, attended the interview for like 5 mins and somehow managed to got through. So I was offered the job.

Now this is where the issue lies. Now I had options. Previously I didnt. I know you can say that me attending or not attending the interview is also an option that i’ve chosen. However, when you have 2 plates being handed right in front of you, that didn't left you with any ponder about the other plate that might not be yours. I was being given 2 plates. Now I can only take 1. Hadnt i went to the interview, I would have only 1 plate with another plate being rightfully someone else’s.

This is where chaos dominates. I chose option 2. Somehow. I didnt know why. Maybe I thought I might finally be happy to settle down in a place that i thought would make me most contented. Well, I was wrong.

The state of my mental health just keep on deteriorating from there. Mainly due to the fact that I let go of the best opportunity for a place that is not even half meet my expectation. So much disappointments. Like I said, it was so much easier if hadn't been offered 2 plates at the same time.

As I am writing this i figured out, I’ve never been a ‘happy’ person. Im just generally a ‘sad’ person. I figured being anywhere does not very much affect whether I am happy or sad. I will be happy sometimes and sad most of the times, nevertheless. I’ve come into peace with that fact and figured why not go be sad where I can earn more?

Hi tumblr, been a while. again. 

i created tumblr accounts for so many reason. general knowledge, spreading awareness, to write so i can improve my english, and these drafts of unsent letters. Im thinking of writing now for the sake of my sanity. 

heartbreak is not the first boyfriend. or the second.

not the first crush, not the second, not third.

heartbreak is the guy i barely liked.

heartbreak is another heartbreak.

when i came to realisation how bad i made him feel.

three months after he told he how hurt he felt.

heartbreak is when i finally realised how guilty i was, and i looked for him to seek an apology.

only to realised that it didnt matter anymore. how he cant be bothered anymore.

I need to write this to distract myself.

when I started smoking I was just a social smoker who smokes my then boyfriend’s cigarettes when we’re hanging around. I remember not being addicted to it. I lived by not missing cigarettes at any point of the day.

The first box of cigarette that I bought was on my way home from the office where I done my internship. I thought that time, ‘must feel so good to have a drag’, and I had my own money at that time so I bough a pack. 

then you have a pack of 20 sticks now, you gotta finish it.

and there is no turning back eversince that. I could finish a pack in one sitting with m y friends. good thing was during workdays, I normally very busy working 18 hours per day audit job I normally would smoke 4-5 sticks per day. best thing in the world, that drag of red Marlboro after reading manager’s 128 numbers working paper queries.

then I moved to work in a semi government organisation that highly values work life balance. from 18 hours a day I work 8 hours a day now. I left office at 530pm, went to the gym, had shower and had nothing else to do by 730pm. I can only sleep past 2am. that's when the nicotine party happens. I smoke non stop in an attempt to sleep, when the nicotine rush just probably hyping me up, making it harder to sleep.

nevermind that.

what im trying to say is I would do anything for a slightest sense of companionship. 

I love you, I will always love you. You had been a part of me I can never eliminate. You are the other half of me. I am who I am for who you are and I love you as much as anyone love oneself. I can never hate you cause that would be hating myself. 

Okay, I might be using the word depression here lightly but I’m gonna call whatever this is, ‘depression’ till I found a better word for it.

I am not a very neat person. I managed by having proper cases and drawers for everything. All my make ups, throw them in the drawer. All my clothes are hang so I don't have to fold it. On the outside, it looks cleared but on the insides, its all cluttered, like my mind.

Im not sure what this signifies but the reason I avoid tidying up things, arranging it back to its place is because I feel it is such a drag. I thought I cut times by just throwing it inside a drawer. I want to avoid an idle time for my brain.

I realised people who likes arranging things, likes it when they do that. I do too sometimes. However, I mostly try to get by everyday having the least idle time for my brain. Hence, I ended up keeping it busy with work and mindless tv series. Its so my brain don't have to think about things that is making me feed sad. Well, cause most of the time I didn't even know why Im sad. When my mind is doing mindless things like cleaning, I think about depressing things and it is depressing and I do not like it. 

So from the way I see it, I could had been more tidy, if my mind would just stop thinking about things that is making me sad everytime I left it idle for 3 seconds. 

Recently I went into a panic mode of not being able to fit into my working pants and skirts anymore due to gaining some weight during quarantine and working from home. To be honest, I was actually quite happy as I have such better appetite, my BMI is finally normal and I actually look better. From XS/S to M. Thats probably the biggest achievement of my life.

My weight actually fluctuate in a very cruel manner. By default, I’m underweight. All my life. And it is so tiring of hearing people telling you to gain weight like is so simple. For me, it is not. I normally will force feed myself so I will not get gastric and people always joked how its the other way around for them. 

And then today I went into depression mode. Suddenly I remembered why I could never maintain a higher weight. Sometimes during the slightly better period, I will gain few kgs in time span of few months. However, it only takes 2 weeks max of sleepless night and I cannot swallow anything to make me succumb to being underweight again. 

For me its scary that without any indication, I could finish excessively full plate of rice and the next day I’m struggled to swallow a spoon of anything. Then I’m going to lose these weights I've been struggling so hard to gain, back to looking unhealthy again and people can't shut their mouth about “you’re too skinny”

dear 19 years old me,

you had it good. you lived a full life. at that age, you thought you’re an adult. little did you know. that was the last time you every felt free. 

that was when you had a real laugh. and then the cruel way of time going go snatch the people that ever made you laugh to adulthood. for life is the way its always going to be. you can remain but things are going to change. and the biggest mistake is to think that nothing is ever going to change if you remain stagnant. 

but you had it so good. 

at the age of 24, you got your degree. that is when you stop smoking weed. cause you’re going for medical test soon, to get the job you always want. and you’ll get it. and you’re going to take pride in the job, you gonna do so well that when you told the company you’re moving on, they told you ‘tell me what you, anything, we need you to stay’’. but you’ll move on anyway.

you had people with so much hope in you. cause you’re good. not the way you expected it, but you are good. and you spent 4 years for that degree, and 25k for that professional exam and 4 years of work experience which is worth so much now. you know cause you get headhunted a lot.

up until this point that I'm writing this, I never ever thought it would come to this. I could not imagine life without you. you are my best friend, you’re my safety net, you’re part of myself. you know me better than I know myself.

I love you. I will always do. I will never stop loving you. I always thought we are the perfect couple. cause there is nothing that is not right with us. we never fought. we love and hate all the same things. we have the same bitter sentiment about life, the same way of looking at it. but we managed to stay as kind as we could. and we live a great life.

you’re the nicest person I know. I love how strangers would randomly chat with you cause have the kindest smile. stray cats are drawn to you like you’re magnet. I’m a good character judge, and you’re just the rarest kind of kind.

I love how I never have to explain myself with you. cause you know. you always know. but you decided to love me anyway and I such a lucky lucky person. you are the real definition of the other half of me. 

we’ve been together for so long but we never ran out of things to say, and out of things to do. you excites me everytime just by looking at your face I feel peace. 

I know you have not been happy and so am i. you deserve so much better. we always thought having each other is enough and we can live in our own bubble forever but that would not be fair to either of us. there this analogy in bojack about being drowning together, and there is this understanding that we’re drowning, but we’re drowning together so guess its fine. 

what if its not? I guess we’re both scared of making the first move. there anchors waiting but none of us is willing to leave. one person have to let go so the other person could find an anchor. I was fine being drowning but after so many years it gets so tiring. this is such a fight and I want a simpler life. 

I lived a boundless childhood. My parents never set a finger on me. Not that I’m too pampered etc, but they are very understanding. As long as I’m safe, its fine. All my wisdom, I learnt through falling, scars, bad experiences, mistakes.

Part of that made me realised that I have this complex of purposely screwing up. I feel like growing up, for my every first time, I will purposely do it in a bad manner, so I will learn from my mistakes. Instead of doing it right the first time, I will screw things up, so I will learn from it. This is as opposed to doing the best I could for the first time cause I’m scared someone will scold me when I screw up. Cause no one would. In many instances, even those things that has no relation to my parents, I still do that.