my dumb thoughts

1. Brennan blowing off talking to me for drinking

2. Brennan not following through on slowing down his drinking

3. Me for letting this get to me

4. I want a girl gang

5. I want a better life but idk where to start or who to cut out

6. Dont tell me its my break week when im stuck by myself with my parents to entertain me

7. Third year fucked me up and I dont even know who I can talk to

8. Im just MAD

9. Why is it i always apologize???? why am i always guilted into that. WHy cant people give a shit about me

10. Im so tired of being mad and fucked up by the year

11. I WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PRINCESS FOR LIKE, A HOT MINUTE AT LEAST. I WANNA FEEL LOVED AND TAKEN CARE OF. im always taking care of others and im wanting something in return and im REAL close to going off on brennan

12. idk how to go into any of this because i wanna talk to brenn but hes busy getting drunk and ignoring me

and i was so hoping to get it. i could still get it, but something tells me i wont. something told me i wouldnt the minute brenn finished his interview there. i couldnt compete with that. and its fine im glad he got a job. 

Brennan is honestly not aware of the things it is that so easily get to me, and i cant try subtlety but i never want to be that blunt because im afraid of coming off poorly. and that happens so much more often than not. with sheniqua. chase. i always act like it never gets to me but it does. because im sensitive. and im always afraid of not being enough. i never seem to be for anyone. not even myself. yet i cant bring myself to fix that. i cant bring myself to tell brennan that the little thing he did got to me. i can let the personality thing slide because thats who he is but, i dont know why i never try harder to stand up for myself and what gets to me. its easier when hes around. but i still feel like a motherfucking idiot. 

never good enough. never smart enough. funny enough. pretty enough. a try hard who desperately wants to be different and enough for people she loves. cause she care too fucking much about others, and puts them and their well being above herself. who avoids confrontation and arguments because shes hopelessly pathetic. 

i would go outside but im scared, mostly not for me though. idk if i care if i get hurt tn. which is the worst part, if i let this fucking mentality continue im gonna hurt myself. liking people hurts. i put too much in or not enough and it hurts.

i just want to know what got me to this point today, i had a really good day too. i ran. i ate foods that made me happy. i didnt stress over work. i got some christmas shopping done. but still i had to become a miserable old coot because one little thing got to me a triggered this entire shit show i call my train of thought. this didnt even help me think things through, i just got to get some sort of thought out instead of thinking myself to death. sometimes i think i do it for attention because i cant vocalize my thoughts. im that pathetic. i cant use my words to express myself, i can barely draw to express myself. im like a baby and i cry and make noises hoping that i can get some sort of empathy. get someone to listen and understand and help. but theres no one. 

it hurts because i cant bring myself to talk to brennan about it, and hes now playing league. which also kind of hurts. like im not enough to keep him entertained so i get really quiet. and then its almost like he forgets me. i just want to love and be loved and not have all this anxiety over it. 

she and i went out last night with one of her friends and i think her friend lowkey thought she and i should be together but hey idk im probably just being hopeful. i will eventually get over this shit but i dont see that happening soon. its nice to be friends with her too and i cant wait for whatever this is to be over. were supposed to go osheaga together and im not in the mood to deal with this shit in august. but also lowkey hoping she actually realizes shes looking for someone like me. really relaxed and easy going, someone who will go out but also loves to just sit around and watch netflix or whatever. but hey she likes pretty girls with attitude or pretty girls who are boring. at least i dont fit into that??? maybe i do since i was just a month long no strings attached fling. fuck it though i just wish i wasnt so obsessed over the topic. id love to have someone im into like me but so far no ones my type which kinda sucks but i cant do shit about it. so fuck it right?

on top of that i found out on of my classmates has passed away this week and im not sure how to react to it. like i wasnt close and i didnt like her much and im sure she wasnt my biggest fan but still it came as such a shock. its so confusing as to what i should be feeling, i dont feel guilty cause i didnt interact enough with her but i still did say shit about her kinda. i wouldnt have if she hadnt been a bit of a jerk to me. i feel a little guity about not really feeling one way or a another about the topic. i mean i feel bad but its surreal. its a lot harder seeing my classmates deal with this. some have cried, some blame themselves. some remain emotionless like myself. we’ll see what happens wont we. 

on the plus side my baby sister is coming up this weekend to spend a night and im really excited cause as much as she can drive me insane, im so glad were close. shes honestly a really kind and understanding person and i would definitely call her one of my best friends, no word of a lie. shes great and i adore her. and i wish i had half the social skills she had.