ellie

strong

synopsis: you sign up for a self-defense class, and your teacher - well, let's just say you won't be missing a single class if you can help it. cw: none really, very very small mention of being in uncomfortable situations at the beginning, billie's a self-defense instructor, just read ig? not proofread, like at all ummm a/n: planning on writing a part 2, i got so excited about this idea, but could not for the life of me think of a better title. 2.3k

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚.°

i pushed open the glass doors, stepping into the bright-white lights of the gym, the air inside smelling faintly of sweat and disinfectant wipes. the walls were painted a charcoal gray, the floors covered in matching rubber mats. to my right i could see rows of machines and stacks of free weights, to my left was the boxing gym, i assumed, if the punching bags hung in the middle of the room and the speed bags lining the walls were anything to go by. 

i approached the front desk, meeting the eyes of the purple-haired receptionist, absentmindedly admiring the stacks of silver piercings that adorn her ears, my eyes flicking down to read her name, becca, embroidered on her polo shirt. 

swallowing before i spoke, i said, “hi, i signed up for the eight-thirty self defense class?”

her eyes flicked up and down once as she took me in, her fingers pausing from her rapid typing on her phone. 

“name?” she asked, sounding completely disinterested.

“oh, sorry, yeah,” i nervously chuckled, before giving her my name. oh my god, why am i so awkward?

she looked over to the computer screen in front of her, long acrylic nails clicking against the keyboard briefly before she reached under her desk, pulling out a card from a drawer and placing in on the bench in front of me.

“this is your membership card. just tap it over there to walk through the barrier. you need it to use the lockers too. If you loose it there’s a fee for a replacement,” she droned, reciting a spiel she had clearly given a thousand times before. “your class is over on that side, there are lockers along the back wall” she continued, flicking her hand in the vague direction of all the boxing equipment.

“alright, thank you,” i said, snatching up my card and adjusting my bag strap on my shoulder as i walked over to a row of lockers, fumbling with the locking system for a little too long. 

i had signed up for this class late the other night, heart still pounding a little too fast, my neck still coated in cold sweat, fresh out of a nightmare, and thoroughly sick of feeling uncomfortably vulnerable and unsafe everytime i walked at night by myself without a guy next to me, everytime i hit away wandering hands. so, i signed up at this gym. it was close to my house, had good reviews, and had classes that ran at night - pretty much all i needed. 

once i had figured out the unnecessarily complex locking mechanism on my locker, i turned around, fiddling with my water bottle and checking my phone before i walked over to the empty corner that had a few rows of mats already set up for the class. i sat on an empty one in the back corner, smoothing my hand over the orange foam surface. i looked around, seeing that everyone else in this class was some variation of a middle-aged woman. perfect.

“alright guys, you’re all here for the self defense course, yeah?”

i turned my head at the sound of the low, feminine voice of who apparently was my teacher, and my breath caught in my throat because holy shit. 

her shiny black hair glistened slightly underneath the gym lights, pulled back by a black bandana. a few pieces escaped, framing a perfect, pale face, full, pink lips, and the delicate curve of her nose. her eyes, pale blue and piercing, carefully observed the group. and her body - this woman was built. she wore a dark red muscle tank, showing off the distinct curve of her biceps and forearms, the defined lines of her muscle a clear show of her strength. her loose basketball shorts stopped just under her knees, and her calf muscles flexed with every step she took as she came to stand in front of the group. she radiated confidence and a steady sort of calm and safety that was intoxicating.

“hi everyone, i’m billie, i’m gonna be your instructor for the next few weeks,” she introduced herself, lips falling into an easy smile. “alright, we’re gonna start with a little warm-up. i want everyone to bring their arm across their chest…”

along with everyone else, i stood on my mat and started copying her actions as she lead us, demonstrating a few stretches, trying and failing not to stare too hard as her arms flexed with every movement.

“nice!” she celebrated, sitting down on her mat after finishing the warm up, gesturing for everyone to do the same. she settled down, reaching for her water bottle, and said “how about everyone introduces themselves? i’m billie, as you know, and i’ve been teaching classes here for a few years now, mostly boxing and self-defense. my brother, finneas, actually owns this gym - but i promise there was no nepotism involved when i was hired! um…oh! i have a dog named shark, he’s a rescue pitbull and the most loyal dog you’ll ever meet.” she grinned especially wide at that last part, before gesturing to lady in front of her to continue. i listened as most of the women introduced themselves, most talking about their children or their partners, and i couldn’t help but feel a little out of place. eventually, everyone had spoken but me, and i looked up to meet billie’s eyes, her expression open and curious she leaned back, one arm brought up to rest on her bent knee. 

“oh, um, hi, everyone,” i said, stuttering ever so slightly as everyone turned to face me. i said my name, muttered something about what college i went to and the biology course i was doing. when i was done, billie clapped her hands together and faced the class, but i didn’t miss the way her eyes lingered on me for a split second too long, desperately trying to ignore the slight flush that brought to my cheeks.

she pulled up one of the women from the front row and demonstrated a few basic moves, like how to pull your arm from someone’s grip, how to best adjust your stance and your weight, before instructing us to pair off and try it for ourselves. i found myself opposite kathleen, a forty-something-year old who, if i remembered correctly, had two kids in high school and was currently working in human resources. it was a little awkward, practicing a movement that required so much physical touch with a stranger, but we both just focused on the task, making polite small talk. billie made her way slowly around the room, carefully watching each pair practice and giving feedback. 

as hard as i tried, i just couldn’t do the move right, never quite being able to free myself from kathleen’s grip when it was my turn to practice. i was increasingly aware of billie as she drew closer to our corner of the room, my heart rate inexplicably climbing slightly as she walked up to us. she watched me with careful concentration, eyes focused on my body as i tried once again to execute the move, but i still couldn’t twist my arm away like how she had demonstrated. my face flushed involuntarily with embarrassment which was in no way alleviated by the fact that the most attractive person i had seen in my life was standing less than a foot away. 

“i don’t know what i’m doing - am i moving my arm right?” i asked, my eyes meeting her piercing blue ones, a tinge of desperation seeping into my voice. 

“no, you’ve got that part down perfectly, it’s just the way you’re stood, the way you’re distributing your weight that’s screwing you up,” she responded. “can i?” she asked me, eyebrows raised and hands lifted, gesturing to my hips. only after i answered with a yeah, sure did she move to stand behind me, resting her hands gently but firmly on my waist as she nudged my body to twist slightly. she was saying something about posture or stance, but i wasn’t really paying attention, too preoccupied with the way her touch made goosebumps erupt across my skin, suddenly extremely grateful that i had opted to wear a baggy shirt rather than a sports bra. from this close i could smell her cologne, the distinctly masculine scent of something musky and incense-y engulfing my senses. if i concentrated hard enough, i could feel the warm whisper of her breath dancing across the back of my neck as she spoke. i only refocused when i felt her hands pull away from my waist, brushing against my back ever so slightly as she stepped back, a strange, cold absence replacing the places where her hands were just touching. 

“okay, try it now,” she said, stepping back as she offered me an encouraging smile. She crossed her arms against her chest, toned biceps once again on display in a movement that i shouldn't've found as attractive as i did. my eyes lingered for a split second too long, and i swear i saw the ghost of a smirk dance across her lips before i turned away. this time, when i tried the movement, i was able to pull my arm away with surprising ease, and an unbelieving smile burst across my face as i thanked her, my voice a little breathless. 

“you don’t need to thank me, you were already more than capable,” she grinned, my excitement at realising what i could do mirrored in her own eyes. she watched me practice the move a little more, praising with every successful attempt. my confidence grew with every time, my smile growing wider and wider. eventually, she peeled her eyes away from me and walked back to the front of the class. 

“alright everyone, that’s it for today’s class, thanks for coming - i’ll see you all next week!” 

at her dismissal, everyone dispersed, collecting their belongings and calling out thank yous as they left. i, however, was caught up fumbling with my locker as, apparently, the device had decided to get no easier to understand in the hour since i put my bag in there. after a few minutes of fiddling, the room now empty, i heard a soft giggle from behind me and a voice that asked, “you need a little help?”

i turned around, frustration on my face as a breathed a grateful yes, please, handing my keys to billie. 

“are these lockers really this hard to use or am i just being a little stupid?” i huffed, leaning against the wall as i watched her fiddle with my card for less than a second before the locker popped open. 

“right, so option number two,” i laughed, shaking my head slightly as i reached past her to grab my bag, finally freed from its prison. 

she chuckled, lips stretching into a humoured grin as she looked at me, “i mean, it took me a while to get the hang of as well…” she tried. 

“it’s alright, you don’t have to make me feel better, i can acknowledge my flaws,” i replied. that made her let out a real, loud laugh and throw her head back, and i couldn’t tear my eyes away from the movement, an immediate need to make her laugh like that again and again shooting through me and settling deep in my chest. i didn’t even really know her yet, but god, i wanted to. 

“are you heading home now?” she asked me, falling into step beside me as i slowly walked towards the door, wanting to drag out my time with her as much as i could.

“yeah, i just gotta walk a few blocks to my car, i couldn’t find parking before,” i replied, slinging my bag over my shoulder. i watched her eyebrows draw together, eyes briefly flickering to the clock on the wall that now read ten-thirty, a ghost of something like concern flashing across her face. 

“let me walk you to your car?” she asked, eyes hopeful. 

“oh, oh no, that’s okay, you don’t need to, i’ll be fine,” i tried to assure her. 

“c’mon, please? i’ll feel better seeing you get there myself,” she responded with not a moment of hesitation. in the moment i didn’t recognise the implication of her statement, the hidden i want to see you safe, the i care. 

and so, we both set out through the car park, the winter air cold and biting, making me pull my jacket around myself a little tighter. i eyed her tank and shorts incredulously, “aren’t you freezing right now?”

she looked at me for a moment, confused, before she followed my line of sight to her clothes.

“no, i mean, i just don’t get cold easily, i suppose,” she responded, humour dancing in her eyes as she saw the way my arms wrapped around myself in an attempt to stay warm.

for the short walk back to my car, she asks me all about myself, about school, my job, never once loosing interest, eyes never leaving my face as she absorbed every word i spoke. her expression was always open, wanting to listen, and it warmed something in me that she was genuinely interested to learn more about me. i asked her about boxing and the gym, and she told me about how she used to compete in boxing competitions, eyes lighting up as she reminisced. she spoke about how, even though she loved it, the strict training regimes were a lot, and she decided she wanted a little more freedom in her life, so she started working at the gym as an instructor. 

eventually, we made it into my car, a small blue hyundai hatchback. i couldn’t help but imagine billie driving this car, doubtful that her tall frame and thick muscles would even fit in the drivers seat. 

“well, this is my car. thanks for walking me over, billie, i appreciate it,” i said, feeling unreasonably disappointed at the prospect of leaving her, especially given the fact that i only met her a few hours ago.

strong

synopsis: you sign up for a self-defense class, and your teacher - well, let's just say you won't be missing a single class if you can help it. cw: none really, very very small mention of being in uncomfortable situations at the beginning, billie's a self-defense instructor, just read ig? not proofread, like at all ummm a/n: planning on writing a part 2, i got so excited about this idea, but could not for the life of me think of a better title. 2.3k

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚.°

i pushed open the glass doors, stepping into the bright-white lights of the gym, the air inside smelling faintly of sweat and disinfectant wipes. the walls were painted a charcoal gray, the floors covered in matching rubber mats. to my right i could see rows of machines and stacks of free weights, to my left was the boxing gym, i assumed, if the punching bags hung in the middle of the room and the speed bags lining the walls were anything to go by. 

i approached the front desk, meeting the eyes of the purple-haired receptionist, absentmindedly admiring the stacks of silver piercings that adorn her ears, my eyes flicking down to read her name, becca, embroidered on her polo shirt. 

swallowing before i spoke, i said, “hi, i signed up for the eight-thirty self defense class?”

her eyes flicked up and down once as she took me in, her fingers pausing from her rapid typing on her phone. 

“name?” she asked, sounding completely disinterested.

“oh, sorry, yeah,” i nervously chuckled, before giving her my name. oh my god, why am i so awkward?

she looked over to the computer screen in front of her, long acrylic nails clicking against the keyboard briefly before she reached under her desk, pulling out a card from a drawer and placing in on the bench in front of me.

“this is your membership card. just tap it over there to walk through the barrier. you need it to use the lockers too. If you loose it there’s a fee for a replacement,” she droned, reciting a spiel she had clearly given a thousand times before. “your class is over on that side, there are lockers along the back wall” she continued, flicking her hand in the vague direction of all the boxing equipment.

“alright, thank you,” i said, snatching up my card and adjusting my bag strap on my shoulder as i walked over to a row of lockers, fumbling with the locking system for a little too long. 

i had signed up for this class late the other night, heart still pounding a little too fast, my neck still coated in cold sweat, fresh out of a nightmare, and thoroughly sick of feeling uncomfortably vulnerable and unsafe everytime i walked at night by myself without a guy next to me, everytime i hit away wandering hands. so, i signed up at this gym. it was close to my house, had good reviews, and had classes that ran at night - pretty much all i needed. 

once i had figured out the unnecessarily complex locking mechanism on my locker, i turned around, fiddling with my water bottle and checking my phone before i walked over to the empty corner that had a few rows of mats already set up for the class. i sat on an empty one in the back corner, smoothing my hand over the orange foam surface. i looked around, seeing that everyone else in this class was some variation of a middle-aged woman. perfect.

“alright guys, you’re all here for the self defense course, yeah?”

i turned my head at the sound of the low, feminine voice of who apparently was my teacher, and my breath caught in my throat because holy shit. 

her shiny black hair glistened slightly underneath the gym lights, pulled back by a black bandana. a few pieces escaped, framing a perfect, pale face, full, pink lips, and the delicate curve of her nose. her eyes, pale blue and piercing, carefully observed the group. and her body - this woman was built. she wore a dark red muscle tank, showing off the distinct curve of her biceps and forearms, the defined lines of her muscle a clear show of her strength. her loose basketball shorts stopped just under her knees, and her calf muscles flexed with every step she took as she came to stand in front of the group. she radiated confidence and a steady sort of calm and safety that was intoxicating.

“hi everyone, i’m billie, i’m gonna be your instructor for the next few weeks,” she introduced herself, lips falling into an easy smile. “alright, we’re gonna start with a little warm-up. i want everyone to bring their arm across their chest…”

along with everyone else, i stood on my mat and started copying her actions as she lead us, demonstrating a few stretches, trying and failing not to stare too hard as her arms flexed with every movement.

“nice!” she celebrated, sitting down on her mat after finishing the warm up, gesturing for everyone to do the same. she settled down, reaching for her water bottle, and said “how about everyone introduces themselves? i’m billie, as you know, and i’ve been teaching classes here for a few years now, mostly boxing and self-defense. my brother, finneas, actually owns this gym - but i promise there was no nepotism involved when i was hired! um…oh! i have a dog named shark, he’s a rescue pitbull and the most loyal dog you’ll ever meet.” she grinned especially wide at that last part, before gesturing to lady in front of her to continue. i listened as most of the women introduced themselves, most talking about their children or their partners, and i couldn’t help but feel a little out of place. eventually, everyone had spoken but me, and i looked up to meet billie’s eyes, her expression open and curious she leaned back, one arm brought up to rest on her bent knee. 

“oh, um, hi, everyone,” i said, stuttering ever so slightly as everyone turned to face me. i said my name, muttered something about what college i went to and the biology course i was doing. when i was done, billie clapped her hands together and faced the class, but i didn’t miss the way her eyes lingered on me for a split second too long, desperately trying to ignore the slight flush that brought to my cheeks.

she pulled up one of the women from the front row and demonstrated a few basic moves, like how to pull your arm from someone’s grip, how to best adjust your stance and your weight, before instructing us to pair off and try it for ourselves. i found myself opposite kathleen, a forty-something-year old who, if i remembered correctly, had two kids in high school and was currently working in human resources. it was a little awkward, practicing a movement that required so much physical touch with a stranger, but we both just focused on the task, making polite small talk. billie made her way slowly around the room, carefully watching each pair practice and giving feedback. 

as hard as i tried, i just couldn’t do the move right, never quite being able to free myself from kathleen’s grip when it was my turn to practice. i was increasingly aware of billie as she drew closer to our corner of the room, my heart rate inexplicably climbing slightly as she walked up to us. she watched me with careful concentration, eyes focused on my body as i tried once again to execute the move, but i still couldn’t twist my arm away like how she had demonstrated. my face flushed involuntarily with embarrassment which was in no way alleviated by the fact that the most attractive person i had seen in my life was standing less than a foot away. 

“i don’t know what i’m doing - am i moving my arm right?” i asked, my eyes meeting her piercing blue ones, a tinge of desperation seeping into my voice. 

“no, you’ve got that part down perfectly, it’s just the way you’re stood, the way you’re distributing your weight that’s screwing you up,” she responded. “can i?” she asked me, eyebrows raised and hands lifted, gesturing to my hips. only after i answered with a yeah, sure did she move to stand behind me, resting her hands gently but firmly on my waist as she nudged my body to twist slightly. she was saying something about posture or stance, but i wasn’t really paying attention, too preoccupied with the way her touch made goosebumps erupt across my skin, suddenly extremely grateful that i had opted to wear a baggy shirt rather than a sports bra. from this close i could smell her cologne, the distinctly masculine scent of something musky and incense-y engulfing my senses. if i concentrated hard enough, i could feel the warm whisper of her breath dancing across the back of my neck as she spoke. i only refocused when i felt her hands pull away from my waist, brushing against my back ever so slightly as she stepped back, a strange, cold absence replacing the places where her hands were just touching. 

“okay, try it now,” she said, stepping back as she offered me an encouraging smile. She crossed her arms against her chest, toned biceps once again on display in a movement that i shouldn't've found as attractive as i did. my eyes lingered for a split second too long, and i swear i saw the ghost of a smirk dance across her lips before i turned away. this time, when i tried the movement, i was able to pull my arm away with surprising ease, and an unbelieving smile burst across my face as i thanked her, my voice a little breathless. 

“you don’t need to thank me, you were already more than capable,” she grinned, my excitement at realising what i could do mirrored in her own eyes. she watched me practice the move a little more, praising with every successful attempt. my confidence grew with every time, my smile growing wider and wider. eventually, she peeled her eyes away from me and walked back to the front of the class. 

“alright everyone, that’s it for today’s class, thanks for coming - i’ll see you all next week!” 

at her dismissal, everyone dispersed, collecting their belongings and calling out thank yous as they left. i, however, was caught up fumbling with my locker as, apparently, the device had decided to get no easier to understand in the hour since i put my bag in there. after a few minutes of fiddling, the room now empty, i heard a soft giggle from behind me and a voice that asked, “you need a little help?”

i turned around, frustration on my face as a breathed a grateful yes, please, handing my keys to billie. 

“are these lockers really this hard to use or am i just being a little stupid?” i huffed, leaning against the wall as i watched her fiddle with my card for less than a second before the locker popped open. 

“right, so option number two,” i laughed, shaking my head slightly as i reached past her to grab my bag, finally freed from its prison. 

she chuckled, lips stretching into a humoured grin as she looked at me, “i mean, it took me a while to get the hang of as well…” she tried. 

“it’s alright, you don’t have to make me feel better, i can acknowledge my flaws,” i replied. that made her let out a real, loud laugh and throw her head back, and i couldn’t tear my eyes away from the movement, an immediate need to make her laugh like that again and again shooting through me and settling deep in my chest. i didn’t even really know her yet, but god, i wanted to. 

“are you heading home now?” she asked me, falling into step beside me as i slowly walked towards the door, wanting to drag out my time with her as much as i could.

“yeah, i just gotta walk a few blocks to my car, i couldn’t find parking before,” i replied, slinging my bag over my shoulder. i watched her eyebrows draw together, eyes briefly flickering to the clock on the wall that now read ten-thirty, a ghost of something like concern flashing across her face. 

“let me walk you to your car?” she asked, eyes hopeful. 

“oh, oh no, that’s okay, you don’t need to, i’ll be fine,” i tried to assure her. 

“c’mon, please? i’ll feel better seeing you get there myself,” she responded with not a moment of hesitation. in the moment i didn’t recognise the implication of her statement, the hidden i want to see you safe, the i care. 

and so, we both set out through the car park, the winter air cold and biting, making me pull my jacket around myself a little tighter. i eyed her tank and shorts incredulously, “aren’t you freezing right now?”

she looked at me for a moment, confused, before she followed my line of sight to her clothes.

“no, i mean, i just don’t get cold easily, i suppose,” she responded, humour dancing in her eyes as she saw the way my arms wrapped around myself in an attempt to stay warm.

for the short walk back to my car, she asks me all about myself, about school, my job, never once loosing interest, eyes never leaving my face as she absorbed every word i spoke. her expression was always open, wanting to listen, and it warmed something in me that she was genuinely interested to learn more about me. i asked her about boxing and the gym, and she told me about how she used to compete in boxing competitions, eyes lighting up as she reminisced. she spoke about how, even though she loved it, the strict training regimes were a lot, and she decided she wanted a little more freedom in her life, so she started working at the gym as an instructor. 

eventually, we made it into my car, a small blue hyundai hatchback. i couldn’t help but imagine billie driving this car, doubtful that her tall frame and thick muscles would even fit in the drivers seat. 

“well, this is my car. thanks for walking me over, billie, i appreciate it,” i said, feeling unreasonably disappointed at the prospect of leaving her, especially given the fact that i only met her a few hours ago.

everything's different now.

warnings: sa (not actually described, but there's flashbacks), angst, hurt/comfort, could be read as bsf!billie, no clearly happy ending bc i'm sorry but absolutely not. a/n: okay slight switch up - i actually wrote this for myself a long time ago when i just really needed a billie, it's also not really proofread. please please please do not read if you think it's gonna trigger you in any way.

3.5k

what do I do? what the fuck do I do now?

i’m outside the house, surrounded completely by white-walled mansions and rounded hedges and sickening ornate front gates feeling like an absolute fool. the late hour turned the night air cold, and i watched each puff of white air fade in front of me with every gasp I drew in, feeling strangely detached from myself. i looked behind me at the house - before, it seemed elegant, but now, its pointed roof seemed menacing, the concrete exterior entirely too cold and impersonal, and all i wanted to do was put as much distance between it and me.

i had been so excited for tonight, to celebrate my friend’s birthday, to see old friends from school i hadn’t seen in forever, to just relax and drink and get out of my head. i had rambled uncontrollably about it all day, worn my favourite little red dress - the one that’s almost too short in the back, that hugs my waist just right. i listened to tupac and dr. dre with my friends as i did my makeup, layering on highlighter like i was going to a concert, giggling with them like we were sixteen again with nothing to loose. we had practically run out of the house to the Uber with an enthusiasm that now felt so overwhelming foolish i wanted to throw up. 

i could still feel his breath on my lips, the bruising ache of my shoulder blades pressing into the tiled walls, the searing burn of his hands sliding low and his mouth on my neck.

i couldn’t go home yet, it’s still hours from when i was supposed to be back and the thought of facing my parents made me feel sick to my stomach and my face burn with shame and sickening stupidity. no, home was definitely not an option right now. i reached into my pocket to check the time: 1:36am. my phone screen looked blurry in front of me, reminding me of the shake in my hands and the tears in my eyes as i desperately tried to compose myself. step one, i thought, was to get the fuck away from this place. so i started walking down the street, my bare legs chaffing through the rip in my tights as i passed rows and rows of identical houses, letting them all blur in my peripheral until i saw redbrick instead of white and grey, neon CLOSED signs instead of flawlessly manicured front gardens. 

i had no idea how long i had been walking for, but the blare of car horns woke me out of my stupor. i looked around to see strips of lit-up take-away shops, groups of drunken strangers swarming as they sought out a late night meal, car lights so bright they turned by vision blurry, and i realised i had no clue where i was. with rips in my tights, tangles in my hair, surrounded by strangers on a street i didn’t know, in a body i no longer felt comfortable in, i had never felt more deeply, dizzyingly vulnerable.

i opened my phone, trying to find someone i could call who wasn’t my parents or still at that party. before i knew what i was doing, i clicked billie’s contact, craving something familiar and safe. i lifted my phone to my ear hearing it ring once, twice, belatedly remembering the time and that she could be asleep, but before i could hang up the line connected.

“hey baby girl, you ok?” she asked, her voice light with a slight laugh, but i couldn’t hear any loud noise in the background, so at least I wasn’t interrupting a night out. i struggled to keep my composure, my voice wavering as i replied, “I don’t know?”

“baby?” her voice got lower, tighter. there’s no trace of the amusement from her initial greeting. “are you good? what the hell’s going on?”

“i, um, i was at this party, and then i left, and now i don’t know where the fuck i am and i can’t go home and i don’t know what to do-”

“hey, hey, calm down, calm down, it’s okay. send me your location, i’m coming to get you.” in the background of her call i hear the low voice of finneas asking if it was me on the phone.

panicking now, realising i’d interrupted them, that she was probably comfortable at home, i quickly responded, “no, no, you don’t need to do that, i promise, i’m so sorry for interrupting you, i didn’t think about how late it was-”

“baby, stop. send me your location.” she said firmly, no hesitation. “finneas, get up, you’re coming with me-”

“no! wait, um-” i cut her off, rudely, not knowing how to say that the thought of being in such a small space with another man right now made my heart jump to my throat, “um, it’s all good, finneas you really don’t need to come.”

“baby girl, it’s all good, he doesn’t mind, he wants to make sure you’re okay just like i do-”

“no, please, just, finneas just please don’t come,” i plead. there’s a moment of silence before i hear billie’s soft, but somewhat confused, response of, “okay, alright, it’s all good, he’s not coming with me.”

“okay, okay, thank you,” i breathe before i brought my phone away from my ear to share my location with her. when i brought it back up to my ear, the static had intensified, and i knew she had connected to her car.

“I just sent it.”

“alright, i’m on my way, i won’t be long, okay? are you by yourself?”

“uh, yes.” 

i hear her draw in a breath, “okay, okay, i’m coming soon, okay? but love, what made you want to roam the streets at two in the morning by yourself? i don’t want nothin’ to happen to you, baby.”

my breath hitched as i tried to figure out what to say, the irony of that statement hitting me hard. i knew, logically, that i shouldn’t be embarrassed, but my shame still shut me up, and so instead i tried to play it off, but Ii couldn’t keep the waver from my voice as i responded, “ah, well, y’know, i didn’t really, um, plan on it…”

“love? what happened?” i could hear the concern in her voice, and it made me want to cry.

“i just don’t want to talk about it right now, okay? please?”

all i heard was silence for a moment, and i worried that i had offended her, but instead she just said “okay, that’s okay. i’m fifteen minutes away, alright? hold on.”

and so i stood there, listening to the slight static through the phone and the occasional muffled thump of billie changing gears as she drove.

eventually i see her car pull over, and i briefly catch a glimpse of myself in her tinted windows - my frizzy hair, the faint runs of mascara down my cheeks - before i opened the door and was immediately engulfed in the familiar scent of her cologne. i turned to her, mustering up what i hoped was a normal-ish sounding hey, watching as her sharp blue eyes took in my dishevelled appearance, as they flickered down to my ripped tights and settled back on my face. my face went red as i pulled at my dress, desperately willing the material to cover them.

“baby,” she whispered brokenly, the combination of her soft tone and the knowledge that i was finally somewhere safe overwhelming me, grounding me, as if my body had finally been given a chance to recognise what had happened. i tried not to sob as i drew in shaky breath after shaky breath, and i brought my hand up to cover my mouth, as if i could somehow force the emotion back down. i caught her eye, and she was looking at me with an overwhelming sadness that didn’t make keeping my composure any easier. 

“what can i do?” she asked, her voice almost a whisper, eyes glassy.

“take me back to yours, please, i don’t want to go home,” i mumble, looking away, unable to meet her eyes and instead focusing on the mud on my boots - when did they get so dirty?

she simply replied with an okay, and i was so grateful she didn’t question me or fight me on it, i didn’t think i had it in me to talk or argue right then. she pulled out from the curb and started driving back the way i had walked. i focused on my hands in my lap, fiddling with the rings on my fingers and picking at the skin around my nails. she kept glancing over at me, her sharp blue eyes taking in every detail, subtly looking me over, checking for any cuts or scrapes or outward signs of injury. i didn’t tell her that i don’t think i’d be able to feel any of it, anyways.

she offered her hand to me, palm up, and without hesitation i grasped it, squeezing hard, and she squeezed back, not saying anything about the discomfort my tight grip had to be causing.

instead, she simply whispers, “i love you, baby,” and i only hear the slightest waver in her voice. we sat in silence all the way back to her house, and i concentrated all my energy on her hand in mine, a hand that was so reassuringly different from his, memorising the curve of her wrist, her short, clipped nails, examining her tattoo and tracing the thin black lines with my eyes.

“we’re here,” she said softly, slowly untangling her hand from mine before she got out. i looked up, dazed, trying to orientate myself, not even realising that she had walked over to my side before she was opening the car door. she crouched down, offering her hand as she spoke quietly, “come on, love, let’s go inside.” i immediately grasped it again, even though i knew i was in her home, that i was safe place, i needed something to ground me.

i barely noticed what was around me as i walked through the garage door and through her house, looking up to see we were in her kitchen, with finneas sitting at the island on his phone.

“hey, billie, you’ve got to see this, it’s so fucking stupid, someone edited this photo, they swapped me and claudia-” finneas turned around, laughter on his lips, before he abruptly stopped when he saw me. i watched him take me in, not dissimilar to the way billie did, and saw how he stiffened, saw the realisation dawn on his face.

hefore he could say anything, i started rambling nervously, “i’m so sorry for this, for imposing, and i was so rude to you on the phone, i feel stupid, and i know it’s so late…” billie squeezed my hand, cutting me off, but before she could say anything, finneas cut in, “nah, nah, please don’t worry about it, you’re not imposing…is everything okay?” his eyes flickered between me and billie, trying to gauge the situation.

“i just, i really needed help, so i called billie.” i reply quietly, and an uncomfortable silence settled around the three of us.

“finneas, do you reckon you could give us a second?” billie asked, shifting and stepping forward slightly, placing herself as a physical barrier between me and finneas.

“yeah, yes of course. holler if you need anything, okay?” and just like that, finneas left the room, no questions asked, and headed upstairs. billie walked me over to a stool at the bench, and as i sat i stared at the shiny white marble in front of me, following the lines and swirls, wondering how the fuck they make marble, anyways?

she pushed a glass of water in front of me, and i brought it up to my mouth with shaky hands.

“baby girl, i love you, okay? you don’t gotta tell me what happened if you don’t want to, i just wanna know, do you need to go to the hospital?”

i shook my head, “no, no, i’m…no, i don’t need to, it’s okay.” upon hearing my words, billie let out an almost imperceptible sigh of relief, before she continued, “okay, that’s so fine. do you need anything then? do you have any cuts or anything?”

although i hadn’t really felt much of anything since i left that house, at least until i got into her car, in the warm, safe glow of her kitchen, i realised my wrist was throbbing.

“um…do you have any ice?”

“yeah, yeah, of course, hang on.”

i watched as she reached into her freezer, pulling out an ice pack and grabbing a tea towel from the counter, laying it out flat on the bench. i watched as she folded it over the ice pack, carefully, almost reverently, before handing it to me. i pulled up the right sleeve of my dress, revealing a ring of red around my wrist that would turn purple the next morning, wincing as i pressed the ice pack to it to try dull the low, thumping pain radiating from it. billie drew in a sharp breath as she caught a glimpse, her head dropping between her shoulders as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“baby…”

“i just feel so stupid,” i started, staring at this one spot on the bench where the marble thickens, “so stupid.”

“baby girl, no, you’re not stupid, you’re so incredibly smart and brave. i don’t know what happened, but i don’t believe for a second that you’re stupid,” she insisted, locking her eyes with mine as she tried to get her point across, a furrow in her brow and frown on her lips. i drew in a heavy breath, focusing on smoothing over every word i said in an attempt to stop my voice from breaking, “i was at this party, and it was great - i was chatting to people i hadn’t seen in ages, everything felt so…light. i was sitting in the living room, and someone tripped and spilled their drink on me, so i went to the bathroom with one of my friends to try and dry my dress a little.”

billie swallowed, seemingly steeling herself, but she didn’t break eye contact, and reached over to grip my hand, so i kept talking.

“and he was talking to me as i was trying to dab at my dress, and i was only half listening, y’know? but then he starts telling me how pretty i am, how good my body looks in my dress, and i didn’t know what to say, i even laughed at him a little - i mean, i’ve known this guy for so long…”

my breath hitched, and i couldn’t keep the tears from rolling down my face, but i needed to keep talking, and billie was so steady, her gaze never faltering and as her hand maintained its pressure on mine.

“i didn’t see him when he came up behind me, but he put his hands on my waist, telling me he’s wanted this for so long, and i didn’t believe what was happening, i thought - i thought he was joking or something, but then i was against the wall, and i was trying to push him off, but he - his hands were on me, everywhere, and he wouldn’t stop, he - he was kissing me, pulling at my tights and he -i felt -” 

i started to get worked up, my breathing speeding up and all of a sudden it was all too much, and i could feel him on me again, feel the sting of his nails digging into my skin and the claustrophobic press of his body against mine, smell the beer and cigarettes on his breath and hear the drunken slurring of his words, c’mon, you know you want to…

i felt the frantic thump of my heart, i could feel it in my throat. as if from very far away, i heard billie’s voice, barely making out what she was saying, trying desperately to focus on the tangible sensation of her hand gripping mine, of that firm pressure. 

“baby, you’re not there anymore, you’re with me, you’re with billie, at my house. you’re sitting at my kitchen bench, finneas is upstairs, and you’re safe here, you’re so safe, alright?” faintly, i heard the muffled clunk of her freezer door opening, and then i felt something wet in my other hand. i focused on that burning cold, trying to hear what she was saying, on the tangible feeling of her hand grasping mine, and eventually i calmed down enough that my vision cleared, and i could hear again, though i didn’t let go of the ice cube, the burn of the cold on my hand providing a clarity that i wasn’t ready to give up.

“are you okay?” she asked, her voice almost a whisper as her eyes followed mine.

“yeah, i - god, i’m so sorry, i don’t know why i’m freaking out so bad, he didn’t - he didn’t actually - i got out before he went all the way,” i breathed, feeling the slight tremor that still lingered in my hands.

“nah, nah, you can’t be minimising this shit, what you just went through was traumatic, it doesn’t matter how far it did or didn’t go, alright? being in that situation is terrifying.” her voice was low and her eyes serious as she spoke to me, her dark hair falling forward as she leant over the bench. 

“i’ve known him for so long, y’know? i’ve - i’ve called him my friend for years, he’s been there for me and i’ve been there for him, i just - how could he do this?” i plea, searching her eyes as if she could give me an answer that made any sort of sense. she just sighed, overcome with a defeated expression, asking “baby, is it ok if i give you a hug?”

i thought about it for a second, took stock of my body and how fast my heart was beating and how fast I was breathing before i nodded. without hesitation, she walked around the bench, held her arms out and drew me into her chest, my face against the soft cotton of her shirt as her arms came around me. with one hand on my back and the other softly stroking my hair, i started bawling, the overwhelming feeling of safety ripping down all of my emotional barriers - and she just stood there and held me, absorbing it all, softly kissing the top of my head. 

“baby girl, you’re so strong and smart and talented. i know this might mean nothing to you now, but i believe in you. i’m so proud of the person you are, and i’m so proud of you for telling me everything tonight,” she whispered into my hair. I let her words linger in the air for a few minutes, let them wrap around me, willing myself to internalise what she was saying. Eventually, i spoke up, and, not knowing how to say thank you, i instead teased, “wow, when did you get so sappy?”

“shut up,” she giggled, but her arms tightened around me and she was serious again for a moment as she said softly, “i’m here for you always, baby, no matter what, you hear me?”

after a moment, i whispered back. “yeah, i hear you.” 

we stood in silence for a while, and i felt my racing thoughts slowly settle. eventually, billie spoke up. 

“do you wanna stay here the night? or do you wanna go back home?”

“Ddo you reckon - would you mind if i stayed here?”

“no, of course you can stay here. you wanna get changed?”

“i really, really want a shower, if that’s okay?” i asked, desperately needing to wash the night off my skin.

“c’mon, let’s go upstairs.” 

she kept my hand in hers as she lead me up dark wooden stairs and opened the second door on the right, showing me into her bathroom before she ducked out quickly to grab me some sweatpants and a big shirt, the spare pajamas that i always kept here.

“just call out if you need anything, okay? i’m only a shout away, i’ll just be in finneas’ room.”

i don’t know how long I was in the shower for, but at some point i realised the water was running cold, and that i should probably get out. i walked down the stairs into the living room to see billie settled into the couch, blanket over her lap as she scrolled on her phone. she looked up and put her phone to the side as I walked around and sat next to her, sinking into the couch. too tired to think or talk anymore, i reached for the remote and flicked onto some random sitcom re-run before i leant back into the couch, billie mirroring my actions unquestioningly. 

I love this