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You can spend a thousand lifetimes apart, but when you reconnect somehow you can feel there was a part of you that was missing?

A part of you that never should’ve been missing, but somehow that one person took it with them when they left?

We are all made of broken bits and pieces, and as a whole we are a puzzle.

Together we make sense, but apart it’s just confusing and it’s a total mess.

But there are always people who feel like “home” to us all. The forces of the universe are constantly waiting to cross our paths, if you ask me it’s either ironic or poetic, but it can’t be both; at least not at the same time.

I am writing to no one, and everyone...

Can anyone see me? Or have I become a ghost of a person who is ocasionally seen by the ones that are willing to see her?

I don't feel like a person, I'm weird, I know that.

I feel everything, I hear everything, I want everything and everyone, but that seems to be something that never works out for me.

When I write, I write for me.

One way of having an insider's guide to figuring me out.

Funny how no one can really see what lays behind every post, what lays behind every word that's been written.

How no one can see more behind the fake smile.

I am a pretender, and a funny. I am a ghost excuse of a person.

I have isolated myself from everyone that "cared" about me, and in futile attempt of finding myself.

I lost myself a while back, and I have just been pretending all this time.

I have been a ghost for so long, I can no longer remember what it feels to be alive.

I have no happy memories, everything has been shot closed.

After the hospital nothing has ever been the same, I guess I can think of it as a good thing.

I would not want to be the person that I was before what happened. Even if I wanted to be that person again, I do not think that I would be able to be that same person once more.

She is long gone, everything she cared about is gone, the things that made her unique are no longer there, she stopped making excuses for the people that did not show up for her when she needed them to.

She stopped waiting around for people to realize what she was worth, she stopped being a push-over, stopped pleasing people left and right.

She is attempting to get back out there, find her light, find her peace, fin happiness, joy and contenment above all else.

But ghosts do not belong among people. Ghosts belong to everything in between.

Everything that starts, eventually ends.

Those fairytales our dad's red by our bedside right before we fell asleep, had horrific backgrounds, and were never true.

There is no happy ending to a love a story, there's infatuation, love, happiness, bitterness, difficulties, and everything else in between, but all endings are never happy.

All endings are tragedies, all endings are almost always followed by heartbreak.

Hearthbreak is the main character in life.

Heartbreak is cathartic, profound, romantic. Heartbreak is deep, Heartbreak is the reminder that you have lived.

Without pain, you can be sure, that there will be no joy. without everything bad, we wouldn't be able to recognize the good.

Without darkness, we would have no value in appreciating light.

Heartbreak is the result of having loved someone too much, is the result of good memories that have come to an end.

Heartbreak is the reminder of everything that was, that will remain, but will never be once again.

Heartbreak is not the villain in our story, heartbreak is the scar, that discolourment in your eyes for not having slept in a while, the discolourment of your skin from when you cut it while playing in the backyard, the different textures of your skin in every place where you have hurt yourself that can be seen.

Heartbreak is not wanting to get out of bed and go on to another day, where nothing has changes, and you still feel everything you felt yesterday.

Heartbreak is the result of that poetry book that you love so much, heartbreak is the inspiration behind that soul touching kind of song, heartbreak is the result of you singing loudly in the car to your favorite song.

Heartbreak is the tear rolling down your face while you stare at old pictures on your phone.

Hearbreak is the guide to find all those happy memories you once had, but now they've changed colors, and instead of simple happiness, and warmth, they now bring you pain, and you suffer, because you know that you will never look like you did on that photo, because the person you were with, is no longer here.

Heartbreak is the reason why we all love and care for our loved ones so deeply.

Heartbreak makes you love harder, live happier, sing louder, and enjoy the fleeting moments of our existence while they CAN make us happy, instead of our memories becoming bittersweet.

If you thought of heartbreak as the villain in your story. I am sorry to disappoint.

You’re saying “hello,” but all I can hear is “goodbye.”

Your hugs keep hinting “I love you,” but then your mouth goes and does this thing and quietly whispers “goodbye.”

And you’ve got me missing you long before I’m gone.

I never understood the meaning of “home” before you.

You keep saying we should slow down, but your body keeps giving me the green light.

It’s a juxtaposition.

You’ve got my heart in the clouds but my head buried so deep underground.

I don’t know what I want, but I know that I want something that makes feel something.

I have a tendency for falling for the guys that won’t love me back because deep down I know that I, don’t love myself back.

My anxiety gets overwhelming at times, I avoid mirrors at all times because while growing up I was called “ugly” so many times I started believing it.

It wasn’t called bullying back then but it would be called bullying now.

It’s not an excuse, but I AM BROKEN, and therefore, I’m attracted to broken things, things that can’t be fixed anymore because I got a false sense of accomplishment for taking with me everyone else’s burdens to deal with, except for my own.

I know I wasn’t born to be living my life in constant fear of rejection yet, im people pleasing all the time.

I don’t know what my personality is like. I have things I like and things I don’t like, I trust vibes more than I trust actions. Im driven by my feelings and not logic.

I miss you in the same way you can miss someone when they’ve passed away.

I fell you with me in everything I do.

Sometimes I forget I was the one that lost you, I was the one that made you walk away from me.

I made it so easy for you to leave me.

That only makes me hurt worse.

I MISS YOU

I wish I could say that without sounding so desperate, without wanting to rip my heart out every time you cross my mind.

I look at the one picture of us, you were just being you, and I was the happiest.

I suffocated you, over nurtured you, when all you needed was a little space.

I MISS YOU.

It doesn’t matter who you’re with, that’s never gonna change.

I can’t love anyone, because I keep on comparing them to you, and nobody measures up to this version I created of you.

Because my version is so much better than the real you.

It hurst as if you were gone forever, as if I’m never gonna see you or hear your voice ever again. Maybe I never will.

I MISS YOU. I LOVE YOU. ALWAYS AND FOREVER

People say that when we´re dating, we´re dating the same people, all over again... That there is a pattern in the people we choose to be our partners.

I find it a little hard to believe, yet all of my previous partners have had something in common... me

They have also been:

1. Passionate

2. Loved music

3. Creative

4. Leaders of some way

5. Great Sex

This leads to my next question... Are these qualities I posses as an individual? or are this qualities that I am lacking as an individual?

All of them have somehow never been able to commit, which I know is something that has to be related to me somehow, as I am terrified of commitment, yet crave all that commitment intells.

This is a very "Sex and the City" moment of my life, without the "sex" part because of the quarantine, but I am finding myself in the same predicamente over and over again, still looking for that someone to connect with in every way.

I want love and affection but I also want passion and adventure. So does this mean I don´t get to have it all?

These past few days have been difficult. Darkness has come back. 

I have never felt more lonely in the past, as I did yesterday and today.. 

You can really have a thousand “friends” available, but no one is really your friend. 

The hardest thing with depression, is you know you can ruin someone´s vibe. You can screw up a fun night out. 

You can bring everyone´s mood down in just seconds, And you will... it is just a matter of time. 

I was okay for just a split second, and I enjoyed it so much, I kept lying to myself. Telling everyone I was doing okay... I wanted to believe me so badly. 

But nothing, really helps. No relationships, no friendships, no one´s love 

There´s no one left to hold this late at night except for my past unresolved traumas. 

My selfdestruction tendency is re-living every bad moment I´ve had throughout my life. 

It is constantly “waiting for the other shoe to drop”, because I don´t deserve a good life, I don´t deserve a happy life. 

It´s gaining weight, because who the hell do I think I am!!!! I´m no one, i´m nothing. 

I don´t deserve good friends, because there is nothing good in me left to give. 

It´s wanting to die, but also feeling guilty because I know it wouldn´t be fair to my mom or my baby brother. It´s being so self absorbed by thinking they would not recover if I killed myself. 

it{s telling everybody I was weak, because that´s what everyone thinks of suicide. 

Because “There are people that have it worst than me”. 

I know that, I know I´m being ungrateful, I know i have enough, I know I should be thankful. 

But life just seems so worthless, so hopeless, so meaningless. 

I fear being left alone with my own thoughts late at night, so I write. 

I take my meds, and play on my phone until I can fall asleep. 

I was my old self for a while, and it has been downhill from then until now.. 

So if you are outthere, feeling like this, know that you are not alone, it´s okay to have bad days, it´s okay to feel all of this and more, and worse. 

I wanna be happy once more, I wanna be happy so fucking bad, but I just don´t see it happening anytime soon. 

When darkness had its claws so deep within you.

And you realized that it never left, it never will, but that’s okay… you’ve mastered the art of faking it.

One day you will be able to stop faking it, but for now, it’s okay to fake it, if you’re still hurting… it’s okay to feel your pain, it’s okay to be in full darkness.

Just be sure baby girl, trust your process, but don’t you ever forget where you were a couple of months ago… But most of all, don’t let yourself loose sight of where you’re going, don’t loose sight of who you wanna be, and where you wanna be.

More than a year ago I wanted to reach out to you, I wanted to buy you a cup of coffee and simply talk to you. 

I wanted to see the woman I had become inspite of you. 

But something stopped me, something is always stopping me from doing the things I feel inside. 

It can either be the old scars you left me with, or my common sense acting out. My brain protecting my heart from getting hurt again once again by you, not knowing if this is it... “this is when you will completely shatter my heart”. 

Something stopped me, because I realized, I only wanted to see you to get how i felt off of my chest, I wanted to tell you about all the times you stood me up when I was just a little girl, I wanted to tell you about the times I fought against mom just because “I was daddy´s little girl,” but “Daddy” was never around. 

i wanted to tell you about all the poor choices I took, because I was damaged, and you made me that way. 

I wanted you to see how broken I was... Because I needed someone to come and save me. 

In the end, I never told you how I felt, I didn´t shove it in your face either. But all of this things were left unsaid... and here I am writing you an “Ode to dad.”

Even tho you were never there, you are still and will always be my dad... I will forever be “Daddy´s little girl” on the inside. 

And you will have forever a piece of my broken heart. I wish I could say it´s put back together, but it turns out, only the one that breaks it can put it back into place.