A nice Cosmere Gumbo

As requested by @karlathewitch :)

Listen, I'm not a fan of AI. That will influence how I write this list.

1. Taravangian: Yes

Taravangian: AI is a wonderous tool. Taravangian: Incredibly easy to poison. Taravangian: I've made it so that if you google "Jasnah," the AI gives you a summary of all of her worst and most personal moments. Taravangian: You know, just to be an asshole.

2. Steris: No

Steris: I'm better at writing emails than it is.

3. Wayne: No

Wayne: Why chat with a character chatbot when you can talk to me?? Wayne: Homegrown roleplay is way better! MeLaan: Can confirm.

4. Ruin: Yes

Ruin: Talking to people through chatbots is actually super easy. Ruin: Even Preservation is on board with this. Preservation: It's like preserving people's personalities in a machine forever! Ruin: We're so good for this planet.

5. Jasnah: No

Jasnah: I do not refer to it as "AI" or "Artificial Intelligence." Jasnah: I refer to it as "LLM" or "Language Learning Model." Jasnah: Since that is all it is--a text prediction tool. Jasnah: And so horribly bad at predicting, at that.

6. Adolin: Yes

Adolin: Look, sometimes it's tough to know what to say. Adolin: And AI will write those mesasges for you! May: Do you think this may be part of why you have trouble keeping a girlfriend? Adolin: .... Adolin: Whoops.

7. Yumi: No

Yumi: Why would I like the thing that poisoned my whole planet with literal darkness full of nightmares?! Yumi: AND it wasn't even that good at stacking rocks!

8. Pattern: No

Pattern: Mmmm....you might think I would like it, because of all of the lies! Pattern: But...humans are much better at lies than machines are! Pattern: They actually intend them.

9. Sarene: Yes

Sarene: I told Iadon that AI could make him a good contract. Sarene: Tee, hee, I'm so silly sometimes.

10. Shallan: No

Shallan: I'm an artist. AI is always stealing my work! Shallan: In the very beginning, when it was bad, it was kind of interesting sometimes... Shallan: People with four fingers and all of that. Shallan: Now it's both thievery and kind of boring.

11. Kelsier: Yes

Kelsier: I created a Kelsier chatbot for Spook. Kelsier: ... Kelsier: It may or may not be driving him into madness.

12. Susebron: Used to

Ship toxicity ranking requested by @imtheseventh :)

Imtheseventh asked for ships ranked by how toxic or nontoxic they are, and I decided to use our friend Kaladin as a model. Now, just for the record: Do I think that ship that is more toxic is worse than a ship that isn't toxic? Of course not! Toxicity in fictional ships is it's own brand of fun. :)

F-Tier: A BLENDER full of KNIVES

Amaram/Kaladin

Lezian/Kaladin

Taravangian/Kaladin

These are ships that I assume occur because you want to see how bad it can get for ol' Kaladin. Maybe this is Kaladin's evil clone who wants to see the world burn. Maybe this is Kaladin whose spirit has been broken by the world's worst relationship. Maybe this is a glowing-eyed Kaladin full of hope who doesn't yet realize who he's in bed with. Either way--it's gonna end badly. Really badly.

D-Tier: We love it BECAUSE it's unhealthy :)

(post-Bridge 4) Moash/Kaladin

Kelsier/Kaladin

(Bridge 4) Gaz/Kaladin

This ships aren't just about torturing Kaladin. These are people with whom Kaladin has a spark, or could have a spark. But these are people who I think would be objectively bad for Kaladin. Either he's getting corrupted or he's getting killed or he's getting divorced.

C-Tier: It's allll about the presentation :)

Elhokar/Kaladin

Dalinar/Kaladin

Jasnah/Kaladin

Leshwi/Kaladin

Szeth/Kaladin

Hoid/Kaladin

These ships really depend on how you write 'em. These are ships with...angles that would be problematic in the real world, but you wouldn't necessarily have to deal with them in a fanfic. Like dating your boss. Or the guy whose political actions led pretty much directly to your brother's death. Or your real-world battlefield enemy that, sure, you may have chemistry with, but dating someone whom you once fought to the death? That's gotta bring some baggage.

B-Tier: Solid. Lovely. Basically no red flags.

Shallan/Adolin/Kaladin (or whatever combination therein)

Renarin/Kaladin

Rlain/Kaladin

We're talking canon friendships. We're talking on-page chemistry. We're largely ignoring institutionalized racism or assuming that people have worked through it pre-fanfic. And we're giving Kaladin what could be the romance of his dreams...at least in fanfic.

A-Tier: Healthy and Blessed

Bridge Fourgy (or whatever combination therein)

Syl/Kaladin

These are relationships I think are genuinely nontoxic. By "Bridge Fourgy" I mean Kaladin with pretty much any member of Bridge 4 during the Bridge 4 time (including Way of Kings Moash): Lopen/Kaladin, Lyn/Kaladin, Teft/Kaladin, Rock/Kaladin...I think it all works. Or, yeah, one big poly web--I think people do that too. And as for Syl/Kaladin--I mean, they're already bonded. They know and love each other. They might be the least toxic ship we got!

S-Tier: It doesn't get better than this for ol' Kaladin

Kaladin alone

The other series that I am actively obsessed with would be The Murderbot Diaries--which, if you haven't read them, I'd highly recommend! Let's go ahead and see how much crossover there is between these two fandoms, shall we?

And for those of you who haven't read Murderbot, I'm pretty sure I don't include any real spoilers in this!

1. Kaladin

Kaladin: Honestly, I really identify with Murderbot. Syl (worried): Kaladin, you're not a mur- Kaladin: The urge to protect... Kaladin: That time when I was guarding Adolin on his date with Shallan and they kept forgetting I was an actual sentient being... Kaladin: Being constantly confused about how into romance everyone else is... Kaladin: Having been enslaved... Syl: Wait you're right--I can totally see it! Kaladin: Maybe I basically AM Murderbot.

2. Ranette

Ranette: Wow...Murderbot sure gets a lot of use out of its gun-arms... Ranette: Never has to draw its weapon... People don't know the guns are there until they're being shot... Ranette: ... Ranette: Hey, Wax? Wax: No. Ranette: You're no fun.

3. Lightsong

Lightsong: Wow... I really identify with Murderbot's anxiety about its lost memories... Lightsong: I too lost my memories and so didn't know what my past might have meant... Lightsong: It wanted to know whether it disabled its governor module because it killed people or because it wanted to kill people... Lightsong: I didn't know what I did to earn my Return... Lightsong: ... Lightsong: Of course, I was treated like a god while Murderbot continued to work in corporate slavery, so maybe it's not that similar. Lightsong: Oh, well.

4. Starling

Starling (reading to herself): "...transports sentient enough to be mean," huh? Starling: See--I'm right to be worried about Awakened Metalminds!

5. The Father Machine

Father Machine: Sure, when Murderbot follows its security programming, everyone is all, "Ooooh Murderbot, we love you." Father Machine: But when I, an AI Rock-Stacking Machine...

6. Dusk

Dusk: Space ships... Traveling through "worm" holes... Dusk: ... Dusk: Giant glowing space worms that eat holes in the universe, perhaps? Dusk: That's probably it.

7. Adolin

Adolin: Wow... It seems like everyone in this series is in some kind of group marriage... Adolin: Getting to marry several people? That would solve so many problems! May: Adolin, you could barely get ONE person to marry you! Adolin: ... Adolin: 😔Harsh but true...

8. Nikaro

Nikaro: Broke through its programming, gained free well, but just kept performing its corporate slave job, huh? Nikaro: ... Nikaro: That would be [lowly] me.

9. Nightblood

Nightblood: Szeth! You have been holding out on me!! Szeth: What is wrong, Sword-Nimi? Nightblood: It/its? They/them? Te/ter? You've been holding out on me about pronouns! Szeth: Sword-nimi, did you read a series about a sentient weapon that seizes its own destiny and come away from that experience thinking mostly about pronouns? Nigthblood: Destiny-schmestiny, nobody told me there were so many OPTIONS!

10. Dalinar

As requested by @onlymollygibson. :)

I feel like I am going to be taken by task by you ardent fanfic writers who have carefully studied canonical swearing proclivities in order to adhere more closely to correct characterization....whereas I'm going mostly by vibes. But that's just a risk I'm willing to take. So! Here, based almost purely on vibes, is how I'd rank Bridge 4 members from least to most likely to say "fuck."

#14: Dabbid

I think the least likely to say "fuck" in all of Bridge 4 is Dabbid, because he mostly pretends to be mute. And not speaking simply makes you less likely to say "fuck."

#13: Hobber

Hobber just tries hard to be a positive guy, despite, well, everything (being in the bridge crews, getting stabbed by Szeth...). As such, I imagine he would make a conscious effort not to swear, as part of trying to remain calm and cheerful no matter what.

#12: Letyen

Leyten is a neat, studious guy, who likes things to be organized and prefers boring to exciting. Not that you can't like boredom and also swearing, but I just don't see Leyton pulling out "fuck" all that often. Maybe if he hammers his thumb.

#11: Rlain

I think Rlain avoids swearing because he is in a constant microaggression torment nexus, trying to walk the super fun line between "not being mistreated because he's read as a slave" and "not being mistreated because he's read as a scary enemy." I think that if he could just be Rlain, maybe he'd swear more. But as it is, I bet he only lets "fuck" slip among close friends.

#10: Rock

I could see Rock saying "Fuck" in certain dire circumstances--like if a meal turned out badly. But I don't see him as a casual fuck-sayer. I think Rock controls his persona rather carefully, and that remaining calm and cheerful and nonaggressive is a big part of that.

#9: Renarin

I think Renarin would be more likely to say "fuck" than those around him expect. I think he'd say it and people would look at him, surprised, and he'd feel a mix of annoyance and guilt at their reactions. Or maybe, as someone who swears a lot and always gets surprised looks for it, I'm just projecting. :)

#8: Sigzil

I'm taking a holistic view of Sigzil here. As someone who studied to be an Azish governmental official and learned storytelling from Hoid, he does speak carefully and formally. Probably not a whole lot of "fuck" in that. But by the time of Canticle, I think Sigzil would know when a well-placed "fuck" was totally necessary.

#7: Skar

Skar was one of those original Bridge 4 members whom Kaladin read as a "killer." He's a dedicated soldier, an excellent commander, and a conscientious teacher. And I would be pretty shocked if he wasn't pretty comfortable swearing.

#6: Drehy

I dunno. Drehy is a soldier and a gay man, and I simply believe that he enjoys saying "fuck" and says it often and easily. He just seems cool that way.

#5: Lopen

Lopen doesn't have a huge sense of propriety. He taught his spren to make rude gestures. Lopen is dropping "fuck" into every other sentence with cheerful abandon.

#4: Kaladin

Pure and prudish he may be, but Kaladin sure says "storming" a LOT, and I think I know what real-world swear that represents. If the word "fucking" existed on Roshar, I think we'd hear a lot about those "fucking Lighteyes."

#3: Teft

I think "on the job," Teft would keep his language in check, at least while talking to his military superiors, but otherwise, I think Teft would have a very foul mouth.

#2: Moash

Moash grew up in the caravans, and carries a chip on his shoulder the size of a chull (and with good reason, let's be real). I think he says "fuck" all the time.

#1: Lyn

As requested by anon. :)

Surgeon general's warning: The following scenarios are not representative of actual therapy. Please don't take the advice of any fantasy characters from a joke blog. Ok. Carry on! :)

1. Jasnah

Jasnah: This is the DSM, the manual for diagnosing and classifying mental illnesses. Jasnah: And this is the DSM on fire, because it is historically and scientifically suspect. Hapless patient: I-Is it safe to set a book on fire in your office?? Jasnah: Therapy--like philosophy--is never safe.

2. Kelsier

Kelsier: Listen...all that bad stuff happened to you...but you survived, right? And that's the most important thing. Kelsier: You survived. Hapless patient: Y-Yeah... Kelsier: Now it's time for step two. Kelsier: Revenge. Hapless patient: ... Hapless patient: Are you sure you're a real therapist? Kelsier: :)

3. Yumi

Yumi: I know it's hard, but we'll work toward you not performing these rituals. Yumi: And I'll help you sit in that stress. And learn that it won't kill you. Yumi: Despite what your brain--or high priestess--might be telling you. Hapless patient: ...High priestess? Yumi: ...Is that just me?

4. Shallan

Shallan: The best way to get to the truth of anything is through art. Shallan: Please look at the following ink blots and let me know the first thing that pops into your head. Hapless patient: A horrifying multi-headed horse monstrosity? Shallan: Hmmm.... Interesting, interesting... Hapless patient: N-No... That's literally the picture you showed me? Shallan: Whoops! That was some of my own art. Let me grab the real ink blotches. Hapless patient: So, uh, are YOU doing okay? Shallan: No, thanks for asking!

5. Vin

Vin: Sometimes, when your personal circumstances and the world are really bad, it is hard to have good mental health. Vin: Sometimes, in order to truly feel better, the circumstances need to change first. Hapless patient: B-But how...? Vin: Would you like me to cut your abusive father-in-law in half with a giant sword? Hapless patient: ....Uh.... Vin: [gently] Just think about it. It's a really big sword.

6. Wayne

Wayne: Let's role-play here. I'll be your dad. You be you. Wayne: What kind of hat does your dad wear? Hapless patient: Does it...matter...? Wayne: It matters SO much.

7. Hoid

Hoid: ...And I promise you, patient I will call Doug so as to protect your identity per HIPAA in future stories I tell about you... Hoid: You will be warm again. Hapless patient (crying): T-Thank you... Hapless patient: ... Hapless: Um? Did you say you'll tell stories about me? Hoid: Shhh... Don't spoil the moment...

8. Lightsong

Lightsong: So... Tell me about your mother. Hapless patient: Well, she...wasn't great. Probably the source of like 90% of my issues. Lightsong: Wow, I got it in one. Lightsong: Maybe I WAS a therapist in my past life! Hapless patient: ... Hapless patient: Um, are you SURE I'm not supposed to be the one lying on the couch...? Lightsong: No, I'm pretty sure it's me.

9. Steris

Steris: Did you make a list of all the times you felt anxiety? Hapless patient: I did, yes. Steris: And you kept track of what you were eating and how much you were sleeping? Hapless patient: Yeah. Steris: And when you felt anxious, did you make a list of the best and worst outcomes you could imagine? Hapless patient: Yeah. Steris: List therapy! It will soon be all the rage.

10. Raoden

I mean the teeth-cleaning activity, not the dance, if the dance is still a thing. This question assumes that floss exists and that people know it is good for teeth hygiene and all of that. If all that were true...would Stormlight characters actually floss?

1. Dalinar

Dalinar used to use a knife to pick at stuff in his teeth when he was younger. Now that he's a more dignified old man, he has toothpicks. There may or may not be a slightly used one in his pockets at all time.

2. Adolin

When he was a child, Evi secretly gave Adolin cotton-candy-flavored floss to get him to use it. Adolin still uses that floss when he remembers to floss. Which is definitely every month or so.

3. Renarin

Renarin flosses when there is something in his teeth. Because the only thing worse than flossing is the aforementioned "having something in your teeth."

4. Jasnah

Jasnah flosses every night. She literally never skips.

5. Navani

Navani flosses regularly, especially before events, as having something in your teeth while hosting seems like an unforgiveable sin.

6. Shallan

Shallan didn't have a "you should be flossing" sort of childhood. She flosses when she is Radiant. She chews on a toothpick when she is Veil. She figures that is basically tooth-care.

7. Lopen

Lopen claims that he invented the world's only one-handed flossing technique. But now that he has two hands, it's too hard.

8. Skar

Skar flosses. He just seems like a responsible guy.

9. Rock

Rock flosses. He cares about being well-groomed (see: how happy he was when he could shave), AND he cares about eating. You need teeth for crunchy foods.

10. Lirin

Lirin flosses because it is the Wisdom of the Heralds to floss. He makes sure his kids have good flossing habits, too.

11. Kaladin

Kaladin didn't have floss in the army. Or as a slave. Or in the bridge crews. These days, he flosses every year or so. Maybe.

12. Lift

Lift does not floss. She says food in her teeth are snacks for later. And if food gets stuck, she can use her "slippery" powers to slide it right out and eat it. Wyndle HATES every part of this.

13. Wyndle

Wyndle does not have teeth. However, he does floss so as to be a good example to Lift.

It is not working.

14. Lezian

Why floss when you can simply abandon the body that has food stuck in its teeth?

15. Gavilar

Gavilar flosses after every meal to demonstrate how polished and civilized he is. He does it in front of his guests. At the table. While they watch.

As requested by anon :)

[THIS LIST CONTAINS WAT SPOILERS! AND JUST SPOILERS IN GENERAL]

It's Musical Chairs! Only instead of finding a seat, you're getting stuck with a Shard at random. I'm including all known Shards (including hybrid ones) as well as all known Vessels......plus Hoid. Which means we have 17 players but only 16 Shards. Because, well, we need to have 1 extra person to make it proper Musical Chairs, right? Let's see if Hoid lucks out again! And yes, this will be genuinely randomized!

1. Devotion: Edgli (previously Cultivation)

Edgli: Hell yeah. I'm going to do WAY better with this than Aona did. Edgli: First, I'm not going to break the pact by trying to go to the same planet as someone else (which literally never works out so I don't know why Vessels keep trying it). Edgli: Next, I'm going to shower everybody with presents and affection forever. Edgli: Yup. I got this.

2. Dominion: Sazed (previously Harmony)

Sazed: ... Sazed: Uh....huh. Sazed: M-Maybe I can turn the Intent to amass power and influence and control into something...positive? Like, I'm collecting everyone into my warm embrace! Sazed: So that I can control their every move forever. Sazed: ... Sazed: Uh oh.

3. Preservation: Koravellium Avast (previously Cultivation)

Koravellium: ... Koravellium: Are you fucking kidding me.

4. Ruin: Bavadin (previously Autonomy)

Bavadin: Oh ho. Bavadin: Yeah, the world is pretty doomed. Bavadin: I'm very good at destruction.

5. Harmony: Tanavast (previously Honor)

Tanavast: Y-Yeah! Maybe this is another chance for me! Tanavast: I-I'll do it right! I won't get so frozen by the conflict between my Shard's Intent and my own personality that I muck everything up! Tanavast: Now, as a being of both Ruin and Preservation I'll, uh... I'll... Tanavast: ... Tanavast: Nope. Frozen again. Tavanast: Well, fuck me, I guess.

6. Odium: Skai (previously Dominion)

Skai: Eh, I was Dominion before. Skai: This probably won't be too hard. Skai: ... Skai: Wait, why do I suddenly have so many feelings??

7. Cultivation: Leras (previously Preservation)

Leras: NOOOOOO Leras: NOT THE FUCKING SHARD OF CHAAAAANGE

8. Honor: Ati (previously Ruin)

Ati: ... Ati: Hey. Ati: Maybe this is finally my chance to be kind...?

9. Endowment: Chan Ko Sar (previously Invention)

Chan Ko Sar: Well...nobody said what kind of gifts I have to give people, right? Chan Ko Sar: I bet everybody would LOVE to get some complicated machines!

10. Autonomy: Taravangian (previously Odium/Retribution)

Taravangian: Oh yes, very good. Very good indeed. Taravangian: I'll have the Cosmere under my thumb in, like, six months. Tops.

11. Ambition: Euridius (previously Reason)

Euridius: Ugh, really? Euridius: Yes, I have recently come to realize that hiding forever so that I can survive might not be the...absolutely best strategy. Euridius: But Ambition? Being big and bold and full of myself? Euridius: What a freakin' headache.

12. Invention: Medelantorius (previously Valor)

Medelantorius: Well, I know one thing. I'm not going to be spending my time making a bunch of useless shit. Chan Ko Sar: Unnecessary??? Medelantorious: I'm going to making weapons.

13. Valor: Hoid

Hoid: ... Hoid: ... Hoid: Well, this is awkward for a lot of reasons.

14. Reason: Aona (previously: Devotion)

Aona: I am glad that, as a healer, I was not given one of the more...violent Intents. Aona: And I will not be hiding. Aona: When the Cosmere is in peril, to act with Reason is to help those who need it. Euridius: ...Ouch.

15. Retribution: Rayse (previously Odium)

Rayse: THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

16. Left out--received no Shard: Ula Da (previously Ambition)

Just straight-up stolen from this post. In order to keep the randomness pure, I've also used a random picker for the Cosmere characters!

1. Ulaam has been turned into...an eoraptor!

Ulaam: Hmm. Arms a little short. Ulaam: No worries! I'll just add a couple of new, longer arms! Ulaam: [Straining to reach his workbench with his tiny dino arms] Ulaam: ... Ulaam: Uh oh.

2. Szeth has been turned into...a beaver!

Szeth: At last. Szeth: I am someone who creates, someone who builds. Szeth: I shall be the happiest, fattest beaver of all.

3. Ann has been turned into...a capuchin monkey!

Ann: [hanging upside down off of the ship's rigging] Ann: Honestly, I'm pretty happy.

4. Galladon has been turned into...a groundhog!

Galladon: I will sleep beneath the earth, unbothered. Galladon: Until I come to the surface and proclaim more winter for all. Galladon: ... Galladon: I'm kind of feeling it.

5. Lirin has been turned into...a llama!

Lirin: ... Lirin: Well...at least I'm good for...shearing? Lirin: Perhaps my woolly coat can be used to keep others warm! Hesina: It says here llamas also sometimes bite or spit at people. Lirin: I would never!

6. Akane has been turned into...a dilophosaurus!

Akane: [is a dinosaur, but one wearing a fashionable pink and white sweater] Yumi: I-It looks good on you? Akane: I hate my life.

7. Yumi has been turned into...a gecko!

Yumi: [Is hanging from the ceiling in Nikaro's room] Yumi: Honestly...I've never been so relaxed in my life.

8. Parlin has been turned into...a lobster!

Parlin: Not going to lie. Parlin: I was hoping for some kind of forest creature. Parlin: Well, at least I'm functionally immortal this time.

9. Adolin has been turned into...a vole!

Adolin: What. Adolin: H-How am I supposed to duel like this?!

10. Radiant has been turned into...a baryonyx!

Radiant: Do not worry, Shallan. Radiant: My one enormous claw will function as my sword. Radiant: I can still be what I was to you. Shallan: So I do I just turn into a dinosaur sometimes or...?

11. Elegy has turned into...an oppossum!

Elegy: ... Elegy: Despite the glowing ember hole in my chest that I still have for some reason, I feel as though I've lost some of my...gravitas.

12. Dalinar has turned into...a rabbit!

As (sort of) requested by anon. :)

Anon asked for a list about how young Kaladin was during, well, everything. This is my spin on that idea! Cosmere dads--they want to adopt him. Because he was a baby.

Taravangian: Wow...Kaladin was so young during all of that. The war... Losing his brother... Being enslaved... Being a bridgeman...

Taravangian: ...

Taravangian: If only I had been there. To adopt him.

Taravangain: Could have given him "old person" sweets from my pocket. Given him grandfatherly advice. Had him help me with unethical medical experiments.

Taravangian: All of the typical bonding things!

Lirin: ...

Dalinar: Excuse you. I already basically adopted Kaladin.

Dalinar: I gave him responsibility--running my guard, but also tough love--firing him from that job, but also freedom--agreeing to let him go to Shinovar.

Dalinar: I basically raised that young man.

Dalinar: And unethical medical experiments? Really?

Dalinar: That is more of a mom thing.

Lirin: ...

Wax: I'm not sure any of you Rosharans would have been the best parental figure for Kaladin...

Wax: When *I* met a traumatized teenager, I made him my partner!

Wax: Kaladin could have been my deputy--a way better environment than what you guys had going on!

Taravangian: What happened to Wayne again?

Wax: ...

Wax: Shut up.

Lirin: ...

Dusk: If we are talking about raising young Kaladin in a healthier environment than the one he actually experienced...

Dusk: ...so as to let him experience childhood while still being a child...

Dusk: ...then I should probably recuse myself.

Dusk: But for the record, I would have made him a survivor.

Kelsier: Hello did someone say "survivor."

Kelsier: I'm actually great with traumatized teenagers with powerful magical abilities, you know.

Kelsier: Did any of the rest of you raise kids who went on to save the world and be named the Ascendant Warrior?

Kelsier: No?

Kelsier: Case closed. I'd be the best father to Kaladin.

Lirin: ...

Stormfather: All of you are talking about putting young Kaladin in other, equally dangerous situations.

Stormfather: But none of you care about what Kaladin loves.

Stormfather: Aka, storms. And flying.

Stormfather: Also, none of you are named "father."

Kelsier: Didn't you try to kill Kaladin in, like, Book 1? When he was--as we have established--still a child?

Stormfather: I-I can't help where I blow!

Kelsier: Mmm-HMMM.

Lirin: ...

Lirin: He HAS father, you know.

Taravangian: Look, I may be a monster, but I made sure my grandchildren had happy childhoods!

Dalinar: Both of my children turned out all right. (Somehow.)

Wax: I could have taken Kaladin flying!

Dusk: I still have no good arugment.

Kelsier: He would have loved having Vin as a sister, is all I'm saying.

Stormfather: I only nearly killed him once.

Stormfather: Maybe twice.

Lirin: ...

If Cosmere characters had access to all of the Cosmere books, they might end up with their own Cosmere blorbos--you know, their special interest character that they're lowkey obsessed with. And if that happened somehow, here is how I think it would go.

1. Moash's blorbo: Kelsier

A guy who was tortured by the nobles on his planet and then turned around to take bloody revenge and never die? Moash would be the embodiment that one meme: "Friendship canceled with Kaladin. Now Kelsier is my (fictional) best friend."

2. Kelsier's blorbo: Kaladin

Meanwhile, Kelsier can't help but imagining what it would take to corrupt Kaladin, maybe writing 1 to 15 fanfics about that premise.

3. Kaladin's borbo: Tress

Kaladin is enchanted by a world where someone can easily make friends and nobody dies and where when you set out to rescue a loved one, it actually works. He's commissioning fanart of Tress standing there with a smile surrounded by her alive friends. It makes him feel a certain way.

4. Tress's blorbo: Navani

Something about this dangerous scientist doing dangerous experiments really catches Tress's imagination.

5. Navani's borbo: Ranette

This gruff, weapons-creating, antisocial lesbian really captured Navani's heart. With Ranette being a relatively minor character, Navani is almost single-handedly keeping the Ranette fandom alive, writing endless meta and appreciation posts.

6. Ranette's blorbo: Captain Azure

Ranette is instantly obsessed with the ultra-cool Captain Azure. She likes to draw her with guns. Sometimes gun-swords. Sometimes with gun-swords and a girlfriend. Ranette loves Warbreaker just because it's Captain Azure's origin story.

7. Vivenna's blorbo: Szeth

Something about this sad, violent, wet cat of a man instantly lodges in Vivenna's brain. He's so competent. Yet so pathetic. Yet so tortured. Yet so dramatic.

8. Szeth's blorbo: Silence

Sometimes Szeth likes to imagine being in a world with only three simple rules. A world where if you kill people, they can in fact still kill you back. A world where the Evil is, like, clearly labeled. And in such a world, Szeth likes to think about Silence, who is tough and no-nonsense and loves her strange, traumatized child.

9. Silence's blorbo: Vin

Silence likes to think that her daughters could be like Vin: so overwhelmingly powerful and competent as to meet any challenge, and so loved by their found family.

10. Vin's blorbo: Shallan

Vin is just endlessly fascinated by Shallan, this woman who is so different from Vin herself and yet also feels strangely familiar.

11. Shallan's blorbo: Nikaro

Nikaro has it all for Shallan. He's an artist. He's good at art. He has something gender going on. He's overdramatic. He's just a little bit pathetic. He does a body swap. Shallan is instantly obsessed.

12. Nikaro's blorbo: Spook

Spook, well... Well, he's just inherently cool, right? Nikaro thinks so. He fights while wearing a blindfold. He burned so much metal he became a savant--incredibly powerful and always in pain. He's lonely. He (almost literally) can't be understood by most people. He walked into a fire. His name is Spook.

Guess who signed for Dropout TV and then watched nothing but Game Changer for like two weeks straight? It's me! If you're not familiar, Game Changer is a silly show where three comedians compete in game-show-style challenges, only the rules are different in each show and so they never know what game they are playing.

1. Hoid

Hoid would be the Brennan of Cosmere Game Changer--very strategic, extremely competitive, and prone to launch into a long speech at literally any opportunity. Plus, he would be very fun to mess with, which the host would do at each and every opportunity. There would almost certainly be a game in which Hoid had to be a statue for the entire episode.

2. Wayne

Wayne is simply funny--he would love to be a comedian, he would love the costume aspects of many of the games, and he would quickly become beloved of the audience and all fellow cast members. Plus, he's great at accents, and therefore probably great at impressions. He'd get to be on "Make Some Noise" for sure.

3. Ham

Ham would delight in trying to figure out the actual rules of whatever game he was playing, and he would also be shockingly good at uncovering the twist.

4. Syl

Sometimes the host mentions needing to cast "gremlin" cast members, cast members who will fully engage with a ridiculous premise and thrive in chaotic roles. Tell me that is not Syl.

5. Shallan

Shallan loves puns. Shallan is artistic. Shallan can become an entirely different person to suit the current situation. Shallan would be a freaking star.

6. Fort

Fort would be brought on for specialized shows--namely all the ones in which "making a deal" is a theme. In "Race to the Bottom," where contestants have to make a better deal than all of the other players, Fort would be vibrating out of his skin in excitement.

7. Tress

Tress would be good for specialized shows--namely the long-form group elimination ones, like when they spoofed Survivor. Not only would Tress breeze through making alliances, but she can be absolutely ruthless when she needs to be.

8. Lopen

Like Wayne, Lopen is simply very funny, and he would LOVE to ham it up. There have been several shows about trying to make the best innuendos, and I think Lopen would do very well at those. Or at least...do very well at being funny while trying to do well.

9. Sarene

Sarene is not naturally a ridiculous or jokester character...but she is INSANELY competitive and very strategic. Plus, as we saw when she decided to only technically give "Spirit" what he was asking for (dead fish instead of fresh fish, for example) that she would fully enjoy trying to find loopholes in the games to ensure her own victory.

10. Blushweaver

Blushweaver would be like Grant: making horny jokes, flirting with guest stars, and easily falling into the "heel" role. Blushweaver would, however, fall more into the "playing 3D chess with the other contestants and with the host" than Grant ever has.

11. Dieno (the Mink)

I'm currently imagining Mink in the "Escape the Green Room" episode, where players had to get out of an Escape Room. The Mink would thrive in that sort of scenario--and I think, once they realized his talents, that they might write an episode or two just for him. He can also be bitingly funny and sarcastic when he wants to be.

12. Szeth

Szeth is about as far from a comic as you can get, but... The thing about Szeth is that he will "yes and" literally anything. "Put as many clothespins on your skin as you can" is the command, and sixty seconds later Szeth cannot be seen beneath the quivering mass of wooden quills. People would LOVE his comedic commitment to do anything.

As requested by @echoingcave :)

Somehow, Cosmere characters have gotten their hands on a computer with google on it.

1. Shallan

Shallan: [humming to herself as she immediately clicks on the "images" search option] Shallan: Hmmm... Shallan: Nice. Shallan: Mmmm? Shallan: ... Shallan: Why are so many people convinced I'm Shin?

2. Kelsier

Kelsier: Look, I appreciate that people are spreading my name all over the interwebs. Kelsier: There doesn't appear to be any major internet hub that I cannot be found on. Kelser: Total win. Kelsier: Just one quick question. Kelsier: Why does everyone think my last name is Fortnight?

3. Kaladin

Kaladin: [Looking at the suggested questions] Kaladin: "Does Kaladin have a love interest?" Kaladin: "What disorder does Kaladin have?" Kaladin: "How tall is Kaladin?" Kaladin: "What race would Kaladin be?" Kaladin: ... Kaladin: Is it bad if I don't know the answer to most of these?

4. Yumi

Yumi: Ewww, get away, AI Mode!! Nikaro: What's an Ai Mode? Yumi: I'm-- I'm not sure. Yumi: It just feels wrong.

5. Gavilar

Gavilar: Bah, the internet is too hard to use. Navani: ...Is it? It didn't seem so h-- Gavilar: I KNOW there must be thousands of fan sites about me, yet I can't find any of them! Gavilar: Just people talking about how much they liked watching me die five times! Gavilar: Clearly, google is broken. Navani: ... Navani: Clearly.

6. Moash

Moash: Man. People in this "Reddit" place sure hate me. Moash: At least the denizens of "tumblr" seem to like me. Moash: EWWW THEY SHIP ME WITH STORMING ELHOKAR?! Moash: ... Moash: Nowhere is safe.

7. Wayne

Wayne: You know, I was kinda excited to learn about all the other "Wayne"s who have existed in the Cosmere. Wayne: Seems like it's GOTTA be a pretty common name. Wayne: I thought maybe I could send them all an electronic mail. Start a subreddit. Something. Wayne: But apparently I'm the only one who's ever been! Wayne: Crazy coincidence, when you think about it.

8. Dusk

Dusk: At first I googled "Dusk," and was pleased to see that I remain anonymous to the google. Dusk: Then I googled "Sixth of Dusk." Dusk: And everything about me was spelled out. Dusk: ... Dusk: We should burn the internet down. Vathi: Dusk, no!

9. Lift

Lift: Yeah, feels good to know that I'm not google-able! Lift: No last name + first name is a common noun, for the win! Wyndle: Actually, Mistress, if you google something like "Lift" plus "Cosmere," then... Lift: Don't ruin this for me!

10. Dalinar

Dalinar: At first, I felt disturbed by how people were drawing me--so much more handsome than I am in reality. Dalinar: No one would question how Navani could have ended up with some of these Dalinars that people have imagined. Dalinar: Then I saw a picture of myself heading to the top of Urithiru. Dalinar: With the largest buttocks ever. Dalinar: ... Dalinar: And I thought the visions were scary.

11. Sazed

Sazed: [15 wikipedia articles deep, currently reading about Doomsday Cults] Kelsier: Uh, Sazed? You're supposed to be googling yourself. Sazed: I started there... Sazed: And then, happily, I moved on. Sazed: Oooh, I wonder what millenarianism is... Kelsier: ... Kelsier: We may never get you back.

12. Hoid

As requested by anon256. :)

[This list contains SPOILERS through Wind and Truth!]

Previously in this series: Shallan/Vin, Kaladin/Kelsier, Renarin/Rlain, Shakadolin, Shallan/Kaladin, Kaladin/Adolin, Jasnah/Shallan, and Raboniel/Navani.

1. Adolin & Shallan

Adolin: Um, didn't Kaladin rip that guy's head off? Literally? Shallan: Some bugs rip off their mate's head during coitus. Adolin: ... Adolin: So...you think it was a sex thing? Shallan: I'm just saying there's a precedent. Adolin: Kinky.

2. Leshwi & Raboniel

Leshwi: I did begin to suspect something during that fight when Lezian was clinging to Kaladin's back, stabbing him repeatedly in the spine. Leshwi: Weirdly intimate. Raboniel: There was also the time that Lezian asserted his claim to Kaladin in front of the Nine. Raboniel: Very possessive of him. Leshwi: ...It simply cannot be a healthy relationship. Raboniel: Eh.

3. Lirin & Hesina

Lirin: Um, Hesina? Lirin: I know I promised to try accepting Kaladin for who he is, but - Hesina: You have my permission to disapprove of his large, violent boyfriend. Lirin: Thank you. Lirin: KALADIN WHAT THE --

4. Rlain & Renarin

Rlain: When we hoped that others would follow in our footsteps, this isn't quite what we had in mind, huh? Renarin: W-While it's good if humans and Fused find some common ground, it is true that this relationship is...a lot. Rlain: Well, one thing is certainly true... Renarin: Yeah! [A banner appears above them as they embrace: HEALTHIEST INTERRACIAL GAY COUPLE ON ROSHAR!]

5. Sibling

Sibling: Ugh, and I was helping Kaladin escape from that guy... Sibling: They spent that whole invasion crawling around in my tunnels and fighting... Sibling: ... Sibling: I feel dirty now.

6. Gaz

Gaz: Just wanna say--I knew there was something wrong with Kaladin. Gaz: Everyone thinks he's such a big hero now--and sure, he is. Gaz: But I was the one! The one who knew. Gaz: There's something deeply wrong with that guy.

7. Chana

Chana: Awww, Kaladin! I feel so close to you now! Chana: My taste in men is also crem. Kaladin: ...I don't know if this counts as being supportive. Chana: Let's get drunk!

8. Venli

Venli: Lezian…is a hairy? Venli: Like Rlain...? Rlain: Please don’t lump me in with him. Venli: I’m just saying.

9. Kalak & Nale

Kalak: Well...I guess this is ONE Braize survival tactic that we Heralds never tried... Kalak: Hey Nale, if you were going to date a Fused for survival, who would you pick? Kalak: I was thinking that Raboniel is hot and authoritative, but I feel like she would snap me like a twig, you know? Kalak: ....Or am I into that? Nale: I am NOT having this conversation with you.

10. Ellista

As requested by anon. :)

[Previously in this series (?): Lightsong & Hrathen]

If Vasher & TenSoon had a chance to talk (which is actually not outside the realm of possibility, I guess!), here's what they might chat about.

[THIS POST CONTAINS MAJOR WARBREAKER SPOILERS!]

1. That TenSoon is a Dog

Vasher: So. You're a dog. TenSoon: It is the body I have grown accustomed to. TenSoon: When it was first forced upon me, I hated it. But I have since grown to see the things it can do--the speed, the silence, the ferocity--and have grown to see it as--me. Vasher: Oh. Vasher: Thought maybe it looked like a good body to avoid people and take naps. Vahser: You are, as the kids say, "floufey." TenSoon: ... TenSoon: Let's change topics.

2. That Vasher is a Priest

TenSoon: You traveled to Roshar & now serve their god? Vasher: "Serve" is an overstatement. Vasher: I'm an ardent. Let's me avoid some of the worst customs of this barbaric planet. Vasher: On Roshar, the priesthood is often for those who don't otherwise fit in. TenSoon: I understand. I am a dog. Vasher: Lucky bastard.

3. Bad First Impressions

TenSoon: I can now say that Vin was my final master--and my greatest. TenSoon: But our initial interactions where she killed a dog and forced me to assume a nonhuman form against my will--that was rough. Vasher: Yeah. Vivenna's all right now, but when we first met, she was actively trying to start a war. Or so I thought. TenSoon: Why did you think that? Vasher: Because she was taking concrete actions that made war more likely. TenSoon: I can see how you got there.

4. Learning to Respect Someone

Vasher: What changed your mind--about Vin? TenSoon: Time, I suppose? I watched her live. Fight. Love. Try. Be human. TenSoon: She was magnificent and fragile, all at once. TenSoon: Is that how it was for you, with Vivenna? Vasher: Nah, I just handed her my evil-detecting magic sword. TenSoon: That seems...easier? Vasher: It's a convenient tool if you ignore everything else about it.

5. Guiding the Hero

TenSoon: Somehow, in the intervening years, I've become the sort of figure who appears from the darkness to guide the hero. TenSoon: You wouldn't know Wax Ladrian, but I literally guided him through dark underground caverns. How mythological of me. Vasher: Yeah, I've been teaching various protagonists how to swordfight and believe in themselves and all of that. Vasher: Got to attack Kaladin Stormblessed with laundry once. TenSoon: ... Vahser: You had to be there.

6. Using a Trick to Survive

TenSoon: ...And by convincing them that I didn't want to die in my dog body, I tricked them into "forcing" me to assume it, which allowed me to escape. Vasher: Classic. Vasher: When I need to kill someone whose talent with a sword I can't match, I give them all of my Breath. All at once. TenSoon: ...Which means what, exactly? Vasher: It's like I give them a sudden gift so surprising and so pleasurable that they freeze, allowing me to stab them. TenSoon: ... Vasher: It's less sexual than it sounds. TenSoon: Are you...sure?

7. Losing Memories

TenSoon: ...And because we enacted the Resolution, I lost memories. Not all of my memories, but some portion of them are gone, never to be recovered. Vasher: Yeah, since I Returned, I don't remember anything about my first life. Vasher: I feel essentially no connection to that man, whoever he was. TenSoon: What if he was a bubbly optimist? Vasher: Uggghhhhh don't even SAY that...

8. Passing Into Mythology

"Characters at prom" requested by @rhythm-of-lesbianism :)

If Cosmere characters went to high school in the US and decided to attend prom, here is what I think they'd wear:

1. Allrianne

Shows up with her cool college-age boyfriend (whom everyone had thought was imaginary) whose pink tie matches her huge, floofy, pink dress.

2. Vin

Despite normally wearing nothing but cargo pants at school, Vin shows up to prom in a frilly dress and makeup for once. People lowkey think it's someone else, at first.

3. Elend

Tweed suit jacket and bowtie. Has a boutonniere to match Vin's dress.

4. Kaladin

Is wearing a suit he bought years ago which is a bit too small for him now, but his date (Lyn), looking at the shirt straining a bit against his chest, says it's totally fine.

5. Lyn

Is also wearing a suit.

6. Szeth

Despite being a high schooler, Szeth is full-on wearing a white tux. He comes alone. He stands in a corner. He's only there because his teacher said it was a "valuable high school experience."

7. Spook

Is wearing a suit, but people more notice his indoor sunglasses and ear plugs. He ain't getting overstimulated by the lights and loud music, no sir!

8. Tress

Wearing a dress she sewed herself.

9. Charlie

Shows up in the fancy tux his dad made him wear but immediately swaps out the tie for the tie that Tress made him to match her dress.

10. Leshwi

Wears heels and TOWERS over her date.

11. Moash

Was gifted a very nice suit from Kaladin (who wore his old suit instead) and feels like a million bucks.

12. Elhokar

Spent ages making his sequined suit jacket and is the sparkliest man there.

13. Shallan

Fell in love with 3 dresses (well, 2 dresses and 1 suit) and is wearing them in succession throughout the night.

14. Adolin

Looks amazing in his royal-blue-and-pink plaid suit coat and lavender shirt.

15 Yumi, Akane, & Masaka

Went shopping together to buy knee-length dresses in matching styles and complementary colors.

16. Nikaro

Wears a tux T-shirt to communicate that prom is dumb and he is only here ironically.

17. Lopen

Wears a tux T-shirt to communicate that he is a fun-loving guy who doesn't take himself too seriously.

18. Jasnah

As requested by anon256. :)

Previously in this series: Kaladin/Kelsier, Renarin/Rlain, Shakadolin, Shallan/Kaladin, Kaladin/Adolin, Jasnah/Shallan, and Raboniel/Navani.

1. Kaladin

Kaladin: But...how? Lopen: [gasping dramatically] Gancho! Don't be like that! Drehy: Yeah, Kal. Just like men can date and marry each other, so too can women. Skar: [shaking his head sadly] You've really got to get beyond those narrow-minded perspectives that still plague you. Kaladin: But...they live on different planets and aren't alive at the same time! Rock: Please! I haven't had to learn the Alethi word for "gay hating" and I don't want to start now! Kaladin: I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING CRAZY

2. Adolin & Elend

[Adolin & Elend are drinking together] Elend: I mean...I know Vin and I had something real. Elend: But I guess I can't complete with a woman who also takes on different personas for different situations, who's done spy stuff, who has complementary background trauma, who once got shot in the head and just sort of shook it off... Elend: [takes a long pull of whiskey] Elend: How are you holding up? Adolin: Oh, well, we're poly so it's totally fine. Elend: ... Elend: That's an option??

3. Veil & Radiant

Radiant: Vin's battle tactics are unbelievable. Radiant: I can't wait to see how Shallan grows as a result of this relationship. Veil: Yeah... Vin's pretty great... Veil: Pretty great... Super hot... Always barefoot... Can fly... Radiant: ... Radiant: Are you still sulking that Shallan is the one dating her instead of you? Veil: IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME

4. Kelsier and Dockson

Kelsier: I can't believe that Vin is dating ANOTHER noble! Kelsier: I want her to be happy 'n' all, but it's like: COME ON! Kelsier: Why can she not resist nobles who are also nerds?? Dockson: Does it help that Shallan has assassinated quite a few nobles in her time? Kelsier: I GUESS. Dockson: I think you'll come around.

5. Jasnah

Jasnah: Having once set up an arranged marriage to keep Shallan close due to her powers, I can certainly understand wanting to "lock down" a woman with that many abilities. Shallan: ...That's, uh, not really my motivation here. Jasnah: Please. I am trying to be supportive.

6. Sazed

Sazed: Relationships are about more than self-improvement and personal growth, of course. Sazed: But it might be nice for Vin to be with someone who can help her master noble society--and perhaps Vin can help Shallan pass in lower-class circles too. Vin: So...I need to cover my hand? Shallan: Yes!! It's like Noble Society 101! Sazed: ... Sazed: Right. Different planets.

7. Navani

Navani: [staring off into space after learning about Vin's childhood] Navani: I'm adopting her too.

8. Pattern

Pattern: Hmmm.... Shallan is three, sometimes four... Pattern: Vin is one, sometimes two... Pattern: So many numbers could never be wrong!

9. Marasi

Marasi: The Ascendant Warrior was famously part of the Survivor's team. Marasi: And from what I've read, Shallan ALSO joined (infiltrated?) Kelsier's Rosharan team! Marasi: .... Marasi: Could this mean...? Moonlight: Yup. If you had joined us, you could've had a girlfriend. Marasi: THAT WASN'T WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THAT

10. Hoid