Imperfect Productivity

quick updates

I dropped out!

I refreshed my blog aesthetic ✨

I only have vague ideas on what I want to do in life

I've queued up posts for every single day in November 🍂

I'm currently taking a year and a half gap “year“

still working at starbucks ☕

what to expect this month

~3 original posts a week

stardew valley break sundays 🌱

reblogs the rest of the days (cause I have more drafts than followers)

pumpkin patch visit from earlier this month 🎃🌼🍂

So I don't know if this is a good trait to have but if I have to do anything on my own, I won't be able to, but if someone else starts to do it, I will want to instantly take over and do it myself.

For example, one time my family and I were playing a game and had to go over the rules to a new player. We asked if there were any volunteers to explain and I didn't want to deal with all that but the minute my brother started his explanation, that was all the motivation I needed to start explaining it myself. Or another example, I always feel unmotivated and overwhelmed playing a game blind so I'll watch let's plays on youtube, and then and only then will I be ready to play for myself.

I've been thinking about it a lot and recently I was like 90% sure I wanted to become a trainer. One of my biggest fears was that I would have to multitask while training someone and therefore wouldn't be able to give my full attention to the new hire, however, the current new hires were shadowing me but they're really eager so one day I was teaching this girl how to make some easy drinks and it wasn't that busy but it also wasn't really that slow on bar either so I was teaching her how to make her drink while making my own (sometimes even two of my own) and it was actually very doable. Granted, a majority of the time we were working on one drink together but for the few times that I did have to multitask, it wasn't bad (and the one time that we actually were a little backed up on drinks, Greg and I made all of them in the time it took the new hire to make one frap so it was an easy fix).

Anyway, the other day I was about to tell my boss to sign me up and my other friend was like, "I just got the official paperwork to become a trainer" and that was it for me. No questions about it. I have to do it. 100%.

Idk why other people doing things motivates me so much. It's not like an "I can do it better than you" perfectionism thing it's more like a now that I've seen a realistic example, I am now confident and able to form my own way of doing it myself.

And I think with voluntary things like rule explaining and becoming a trainer, if a person were to do it in a similar way to me then I don't think I would feel the need to do it myself. There's no right way to do any of these things so idk where my motivation is coming from. And I don't think it's a perfectionism thing cause I'm not looking to improve anyone's process, I'm just doing it in a different way.

Is there a term for this? Does anyone else experience this?

Again, I don't really think this post has a lesson but I recently heard a quote about transparency vs vulnerability. Basically, that transparency is opening up about things that you've already worked thru but vulnerability is letting people be involved in the process of you working things thru. So I guess I'm trying to do more of that which is pretty fitting for my blog. That even my struggles don't need to be perfected; already solved with lessons figured out.

May 2021 🍶🌼

My boss and my friend at work have been extra complimentary recently and it really bothers me sometimes?

The other day I was helping Greg train by coaching one of the new hires on bar (I work at Starbucks btw) and he's like "oh you're in good hands, you're with ivi". A little while later I heard my boss talking to the new hire like, "wouldn't she be such a good trainer?".

I guess in some ways it's comforting and nice to know that people at work think I'm a good worker but those kinds of comments stress me out so much? Like I already wasn't planning on becoming a trainer because I don't think I'm quite ready yet but everyone's like you're gonna be perfect, you'd be the best, so now there's so much pressure on me. I was already battling my own high standards, now you're gonna throw yours at me too?

It also doesn't help at all that my friend is actually an amazing trainer. He's so patient when explaining and confident in himself and outwardly unfazed by multitasking. This was his first time training and he balanced training two people at once. He's an actual superhuman. So the fact that he's like, "I think you'd be really good as a trainer, better than I could ever be" adds tons of pressure.