Jill; Let It Happen

I love what Paul is writing to the Philippis here. He’s admitting that having this relationship with Jesus won’t make everything perfect. But what He does for us is enough. Paul humbles himself and is like “hey, I don’t have it together. My life is still crazy. Problems are still happening. I’m still going through pain, frustrations, trials. But what you don’t understand is that with Christ, I can continue living this life with such joy and such peace.” Paul is even admitting he doesn’t know everything, but running towards the goal, Jesus, is what it’s all about. As long as you have your eye on Him, then nothing can or will harm you.

I love that last line. “I’m off and running - and I’m not turning back.”

That’s how I feel most of the time. Jesus has helped me, gave me countless second chances, why should I turn away now? I’m never going back to the way things were without Him, because if I did that, my life would be pointless. I would be aimlessly running towards a goal that wasn’t existent. But because of Jesus, I can run a race, keep my faith, and continue to be blessed.

I’ve made up my mind

I caught myself today walking with my head down, which I never do. I was wondering “why? Why am I so down?”

No matter what I do or how hard I try, I feel like I’m not doing enough. Not for God, not for the people who surround me, not for the city I’m in the middle of.

I feel like I’m defeated by everything going on around me. I feel like my faith is defeated, my trust in God is defeated, my relationships have been defeated, my restoration that took place with my mom is defeated.

I’m asking myself how I let this happen. Why did this happen. Why do I feel so defeated, when in fact, it is the opposite because of Jesus?

“When all our enemies heard about this, all the surrounding nations were afraid and lost their self-confidence, because they realized that this work had been done with the help of our God.”

‭‭Nehemiah‬ ‭6:16‬ ‭NIV‬‬

The enemy has been feeding me lies, lies that I’ve listened to, things that I’ve done, and the insecurities I’ve been feeling. But in this exact verse, it says the opposite.

My enemy has lost HIS self confidence because of the work God has done. I don’t have to be insecure, but instead I can be confident in knowing that God is on MY side.

I need to stop looking at the little things that triggers my anxiety, but instead look at what God has blessed me with.

I work with 2 year olds which is basically one of my dreams. I get to make music with my favorite people on earth. I live in BK and have my own room. And I serve in a church that my heart has been set apart at. I’m finally getting my wonder back, and instead of saying “well, this is happening..” I get to say “wow, look at what God is doing!”

God, you don’t need me, but somehow You want me.

I have no clue why, but thank you for wanting me.

I love you.

Two years ago my best friend was still here. I lived in Manhattan working a job I hated with a passion. Serving at church with full passion and God given energy. Sharing a room with someone I couldn’t say I got all the long with, feeling like I settled. Broken hearted by a dude I dated, not knowing that it wasn’t my fault, just him being a guy who just cared about himself. Hated my mom. Had lots of best friends. Not just lots of friends, but BEST friends. They were there for me in a heart beat, anywhere and everywhere I needed. So many people were on my side. What the heck happened?

Fast forward two years, I’m sitting here missing the girl who took her own life, because she felt like she wasn’t worth it. Not true, she was the world to me. I miss her. I’m living in Brooklyn in my own room with awesome roommates. I’m working two jobs. One that I’m in love with. Everyday my heart is rewarded with joy every time a child walks in and calls “MS JILL!!!” I can’t get enough of it. My other job, is well, another job. My co workers are chill, well, one of them annoys the heck out of me. But moving on...

All my “best” friends who were there for me not even two years ago, I never hear from. It’s like me moving to Staten Island made a difference in their lives or something. Moving back didn’t change though. I never hear a word from them, if I see them randomly it’s all “Jill I miss and love you let’s catch up.” And it never happens.

My band is great, we have our originals that we’re planning to record soon. Worshipping along side of the is my favorite thing to do.

I’m helping lead my kids team on Sundays, which is amazing but so so exhausting. I don’t have as much passion as I use to for the church; but it’ll be back. It happens. I just feel like I’m going through the motions.

This post is just an update of my life; well really just an understanding for myself. Would I rather be where I was two years ago? Probably.

Sometimes I just don’t want to go home.

I try to stay out late as I can to avoid the aromas of anxiety and fear.

Even if no one is there, I can still feel the tension down to the bone.

But God told me He wouldn’t give me anything I couldn’t bare.

So why am I here?

Why me, why now?

Why can’t I escape the reality of the one place I should feel at peace, isn’t a home at all.

But like I said, God wouldn’t leave me with something He wouldn’t allow.

He says there’s something better, something that’ll come out of this, even when it seems unfair.

He’s there.

He’s there.

He’s there.

That’s all I hear when my fear is creeping up on me quicker than the enemy himself.

But that’s all I need to be at peace, those calming words that He’s there to assure me of my worth.

Because of Him my anxious fears decrees, and I can finally sleep with peace.

A peace that surpasses any of my understandings.

New. York. City.

I type that with periods in between because I take a breath before each word. This city is full of people trying to catch their breath and find what they moved/stayed here for.

New York never sleeps. But I think it should be “New York never rests.” Because of course we sleep, it’s apart of living. But do we really rest? Not so much. Everyone is always on the move; constantly trying to stay busy. Why? 1. To be sure they’re continually pursuing their dreams, and if they stop for a minute, that’ll postpone them reaching their goals. 2. To distract them self from their problems, feelings, anxiety.

I know this because I have experienced these two points. The first one I had to deal with a while back. I thought if I stopped working, if I stopped and rested for a minute, those dreams and goals wouldn’t come to pass. Eventually I realized rest is necessary to reach your dreams and goals. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be exhausted when I get there. I want to have energy and peace when I get a chance to act out those dreams. But now I’m dealing with the 2nd. I have so much drama going on at home and with my family, I constantly try to stay busy and keep myself out of the house. I’m busy so I barely answer my parents phone calls. I’m busy so I can come home late and have a chance to not see my mom. I stay busy so I don’t have to have these anxieties take control of my mind. I don’t like to think about it. But in all honestly, it’s exhausting me. I need rest. Actual rest. How? I know the Bible says “Come to me, and I will give you rest.” Jesus tells us countless times that rest is necessary. That if we accept Him into our hearts, we can take upon His yoke. His Yoke is easy and that makes our burdens light. He literally carries our burdens for us. Not only that, but He constantly carries us as well. That helps me rest. Not just physically, but it gives me peace of mind knowing that I’m not alone in this. I have the savior of the world helping me rest. And that’s the best thing ever. I’m still learning how to rest properly. But Jesus will show me how and help me.

I’m hoping to move out soon so I can have a place to properly rest. By myself and with Jesus. And I can’t wait for that.

I praise You God for giving me a peace I don’t understand and rest I didn’t think was possible.

It’s New Years Eve and I just got into bed thinking about everything that happened today, and even this year.

Honestly, 2016 SUCKED. Worst year of my life. 2017? It was better. Honestly, it was a great year. I’m sad to say goodbye, but I know it’ll only get better from here.

2017 was full of healing. Full of promises. Full of blessing.

2016 took my heart, ripped it up, and put it back for it to mend itself.

It was probably the year of most fights with my mom.

I thought she actually hated me.

I moved out.

I had a “breakup” with a dude I never really was in a relationship with. I thought that hurt, then I found out my best friend took her own life.

She loved the Lord, I know she’s with Him, but that killed me.

I was numb for three months. Didn’t sleep. Barely ate. Lost so much weight it was unhealthy. It was definitely the worst time in my life.

But we’re talking about 2017, right?

I moved back home (which was the only down side to the year I think.)

I thought I mended my relationship with my mother through it. It’s been better for a while. But recently she’s been acting super mean, and not okay. I feel like anyway I’ll be kicked out now. But I’m tryna leave his craziness in 2017.

Dealing with the lost of my best friend was rough, but honestly, it made me draw near to God, and naturally, He drew near to me. He healed me. He healed my heart.

How do you explain to someone who doesn’t know what healing feels like?

It’s like going into one of the best restaurants in the world. Getting the best meal. Tasting flavors you didn’t know existed. Going to a museum, seeing colors you never noticed before.

It’s beautiful. It FEELS beautiful.

I hate that 2016 happened, but if it didn’t, 2017 wouldn’t have been so extravagant and wondrous.

During the summer I took a leap of faith. I quit my job being a general manager (and making bank) because I wasn’t happy. It was time for me to move forward. I became a barista. Hated it. Quit. Was jobless for a month. Mad broke.

All there was to do was trust God. And? It worked.

Someone referred me to a preschool, they loved me, now I’m an assistant teacher and I couldn’t be happier.

How the heck did that happen.

It was all God.

Really.

I applied to school! Yes, you heard right. I would always tell myself I wasn’t qualified. That I couldn’t do it. I’d be just like my siblings and never go to college. Let alone graduate. But that’s not who I am. That’s not who God says I am.

I am who He says I am. And that’s chosen, not forsaken. I can plan my course, but He guides my steps. He knows where He’s taking me, and even if I don’t, that’s all I need to know.

I’ve been serving my heart out at church recently.

I’m the worship leader for kids, I run their social, I run their shadow team, I’m in crew. I lead a connect group with my best friend.

What I learned this year is that God will help you to always have more strength than you have struggles.

How can life get better?

How can 2018 get better?

I have no clue. But God will do it. And I’m excited.

I usually pick a verse every year to live by.

2017 was: “the joy of the Lord is your strength.” - Nehemiah 8:10.

2018 will be: “Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.” - 1 Corinthians‬ ‭16:13-14‬ ‭

I believe that God changes you from the inside out when you come in contact with Him. I also believe that He’s continually working in you to make you a better person than you are now.

Ever since I chose this life I thought I couldn’t be happier. God has literally provided for me so much that if He never did it again, I’d be content.

But that’s not who He is!

He’s gotten me through my worst days. He’s gotten me through my parents divorce, my car accident, my best friend passing away, everything you can think of, He got me through it.

So I thought I couldn’t be happier.

But it changed on Thursday. It was like God put this whole new understanding of joy in my mind and on my heart.

I woke up that morning speaking scripture over me. Whenever I’m down, Psalms 42 comes to mind. And I just pray that prayer.

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭42:5-6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I can literally tell God “what the heck why do I feel so bad”, and after, still praise Him. And boy does it work.

“Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” —Lamentations 3:22-23

His mercies are new every single morning. He doesn’t miss a day waking us up with the sun, He doesn’t forget about us, He doesn’t neglect us. It’s new every morning.

The past two days were wondrous. My school that I work at showed how much they appreciated me through gifts and words of affirmation. My kids were coming up to me non stop telling me they loved me. Their parents kept telling me they’ve seen such a change in them and it’s because of us.

I cannot get over that.

I’m finally in a job that I’m in love with, and I can’t be happier.

It’s all because of Jesus.

I’ve found joy in waiting on God. Knowing better will always come, gives me a hope that I couldn’t find in myself.