May

mahmoud darwish, in the presence of absence

natalie wee, practice makes perfect (for marie kakhniashvili)

"But they are your family..." is a common phrase which serves to excuse or condone abusive or dysfunctional behaviour. Often people say it because it creates distance from them recognising similar attributes in their own family histories, or perhaps their upbringing has been so nurturing that they cannot possibly understand that not all families are the same.

It's unhelpful because it disregards your experience and manipulates you into tolerating treatment you would not tolerate from anyone else. It keeps you hoping that they might meet the fantasy of what family means to you. So you stick around and keep trying because you see the potential of what the relationship could be. That things could be so much better "if only they... (opened up more/ showed more interest in me/ put in more effort etc)". Maybe you exhaust yourself trying to pre-empt and change the family dynamics every single time you see them but you are still left feeling the same disappointment. Because the reality is that you cannot fix or change them.

You might be connected to your family by blood, but are you connected on many other levels? Would you choose to spend time with them if they wasn't? If they are costing you your wellbeing it doesn't matter who they are. You have a right to put in boundaries and decide how much contact feels right for you that is not based on fear, obligation or guilt. The anxiety and dread you feel beforehand is your nervous system trying to communicate something to you. Listen to it. You don't have to keep self-abandoning your inner child. It's okay if other people don't get it, it's not your job to make them understand. You get to decide what family means to you and what you will and will not tolerate ⛔🙅‍♀️

How many of the above points can you relate to?