This Blog Is Out Of Order

I’m pretty sure no one has noticed my absences recently. Those who have have also likely seen the posts that I've made about where I’m hiding out on an entirely different blog. I've been putting off openly acknowledging that, for now, I’m abandoning this blog almost entirely. Yes, kids, you read that right. immatyrantlizard.tumblr.com is, as of now, predominantly out of commission. 

This isn’t something I ever thought I would find myself doing. For years, this blog was my safe haven. I could share and say what I wanted and post the things I like, but today...tonight...for a while...I have been unable to shake how much I put off logging on. I’m sorry if any of you actually enjoyed my blog, but I just can’t deal with it. Please, don’t abandon me. One day I’ll be back, and I’m sure my normal posting will resume. I just don’t know when that will be. 

I wanted to give everyone who wants it a good explanation, and a goodbye, so I’m going to. I put off, and put off and put off the fact that -I wanted a new blog- that had almost no connections to this one post-wise. One night, though, I decided to hell with it and created and entirely new account dedicated to Attack on Titan. It sounds kind of pathetic, I know. Why couldn’t you just post it here? Well...this blog has...standards at this point. It’s rooted into a multifandom and bandom blog, and it’s been like this for going on four (or maybe five, I can’t remember) years now, and I’m not about to completely dedicate it to one thing.

That being said, I also don’t...ever...feel...like...even looking at anything that I would normally post here. Supernatural? Bores the fuck out of me in the mentality I’m in currently. Doctor Who? Haven’t watched since Day of the Doctor. Sherlock? Don’t make me laugh. Music? I can’t tell you the last time I sat down and just listened. Tattoos? Piercings? Funny stupid text posts? None of it appeals to me. 

So, I did what felt right, what didn't feel like betraying my followers. I made a new blog, I dedicated it to anime, and now I blog my little heart out when I’m not reading fanfiction. Because that’s all I do, guys. I read fucking Attack on Titan fanfiction while dreaming up Attack on Titan AUs while waiting for new Attack on Titan manga updates while trying to force myself to rewatch some of my old favorite anime or get into a new anime. Yet, here I am, betraying my followers anyway because I just can’t juggle this blog right now.

I told someone recently that I’m so much happier than I used to be. It’s true, but it’s also one of the biggest lies I’ve ever told. Maybe I am a lot happier, but really I’m just sad in a different way, over different things, now. I don’t admit to who my father is, so his shame has been taken from my back. His side of the family has all but abandoned me, so I don’t have to deal with that. I’m no longer actively trying to fit into a new environment while making it through school. I don’t have any of the same worries that I did.

I’m more alone than I’ve ever been. Maybe I mentioned it, maybe I didn’t, but I moved again, and now I’m in California on a base where I haven’t met anyone and I’ve been here since January. I don’t have outside communications, and I don’t worry about work or school anymore. I freak out about how I missed all my college deadlines and so I won’t start in the fall. I freak out about how my driving test was cancelled. I freak out about how I’m alienated from my friends. I freak out wondering what I do with my time, why I can’t get my head out of the clouds, and I know that any time I’m not neck deep in something Attack on Titan related...I’m drowning. My worries changed and warped who I was, and I’m sorry.

I never, ever wanted to feel like this. I never thought that logging on here would make me feel like crying, or actually force me to tears as it often does, but the sad truth is that I cannot, absolutely cannot stand looking at this dashboard, looking at this blog, looking at what I’ve lost. I’ll turn my blind eye, and I’m so fucking sorry. None of you probably care, though. I’m just a person behind a url, typing away and writing off my oldest outlet as something I can’t stand, and it doesn’t really effect any of you...so much so that no one will probably make it to the end of this rambling post.

I know I’m just one sad soul who hasn’t done anything to deserve a second glance from anyone, and I’m okay with that. No one has noticed I’ve been gone so far, and I doubt anyone will at this point. That’s really okay, I don’t mind. A few followers have journeyed over to my new blog just to keep tabs on me, and I thank you so much for that, for making me feel important. All 409 of you are important to me, and that isn’t counting the people that I follow. If I add them, there’s so many people who have made an impact on me in some way. I never thought I would close this chapter in my life, whether it be permanently or not.

With everything being said...Goodbye, sort of. Maybe I’ll pop on every now and then, I’ll keep up with any messages sent here, and maybe you’ll see a post or two that I don’t want to put up on my new blog, but consider this blog on a hiatus until further notice. No matter what posts you see, no matter what messages I reply to, this blog is all but inactive at this point. There isn’t a reason for me to keep up with it outside of my friends, and I do a piss poor job of keeping up with them.

Maybe I’m pathetic, but right now I don’t want to be a liar. As I said, I told someone recently that I’m happy now. As it is, Attack on Titan is my life force, and I don’t want to or feel like pushing that on any of you. So, I’m going to continue to reside on my other blog. I’m going to keep letting it put a smile on my face, and I’m going to keep forgetting about all of this sadness that this blog brings to me. I’m going to march on; I’m going to read more fanfiction than any one person should; I’m going to watch my armada of ships sail; I’m going to bleed my obsession all over everything I do because that’s just what makes me happy right now. 

After I post this, I’m going to log out, then I’m going to log back in...with another email address, another url, another me. Someone happy, someone so comfortable in their own skin, someone who can’t find the time to be upset. Right now, I’m going to abandon this shell of a person and blog, and I’m going to do everything I can to keep myself happy until the day comes that I can get back on this blog and not feel like I’m in over my head.