you came to the wrong neighborhood motherfucker

My mom just told me you’re not a woman until you get blood on nearly every pair of pants you love. I was like, “what if you don’t have periods?” And she said “I didn’t say it had to be your own.”

flirting w/ you via reblogging all your posts 

I won’t be impressed by technology until the day I can close the YouTube app but the music continues playing

I love how tumblr doesn’t even tell you its updated its just like spot the difference you little fuckers 

Aziz Ansari is like the king of callouts.

don’t offer me the rest of your fries or I might fall in love with you

CATCHING FIRE IN LIKE 3 MONTHS

u may want to consider an extinguisher

remember when 15 cent wanted to fuck Penny but Oscar was all up on his ass.

their baby would be 16 cent

it took me a second

congratulations u kept me away from going trick or treating at ur house

do you ever just “what the fuck is the point” so hard that you stop everything you’re doing and stare and pretty much wonder why you don’t vanish from existence because the level of done you are should pretty much deconstruct your biological makeup

it sounds like they made a typo when they invented it

They do that everywhere in the world that’s not America. We do that here in the UK too. America is weird man.

#i love it when america’s like lol canada amiright??#and the rest of the worlds like nah bro its literally only you that does it different

i clicked a wrong link and yelled ABORT ABORT and my mom whispered i thought the same thing right before u were born

i may not be the best person in the world but at least i’ve never been the asshole who sticks gum to the undersides of tables and chairs

our president is a sarcastic motherfucker