All I Want Is To Fly Away

I don’t want to eat

But recovery

Ugh

I got upset about something at work and before I know it I’ve been crying for the past hour and a half secretly, because everytime I have a strong feeling it somehow turns into my eating disorder, my brother leaving the family, my mental issues, my incapability to handle life, my body, recovery being hard, the list keeps going and I just can’t seem to stop

Eating disorders are annoying and so is recovery

I’m just so tired of it all, before recovery was hard and during is hard and I just can’t imagine living without some sort of struggle with food and self image

Well not doing to bad today I think my weight might be staying where it is? I’m not gonna weigh myself becuase I know the numbers are going to send me straight back to where I started. I’m trying to eat normally but I think normally people don’t worry about eating normally so I don’t know if I’ll ever be “normal” about food or not- like can I just be human and not struggle so much to exist?? I also know that 1200-1400 calories a day is still 600-800 less than what I’m supposed to have but dang I can’t seem to break that wall. Ah well, anyway trying new pills for my iron so hopefully that helps my energy because lately I’ve been dragging myself through the day ugh ,_,

I honestly feel that I’m constantly pretending to be ok and telling myself that I’m not freaking out about my body or the food I’m eating. But I know I’m only one bad moment away from a meltdown, I don’t know how much I’ve gained since being 101 lbs but I know I have gained. I haven’t felt soft around my hips in a long time and it’s hard to deal with my body now, I just ignore it completely most of the time, or try not to look for longer than a minute, I don’t know if that’s Healthy but I’m just doing this the best I can. I’m not outpatient really, they diagnosed me with anorexia but no one ever said anything about going anywhere for recovery, besides going to a counselor but I haven’t agreed to that yet... I’m just not sure if I can even cope with that. I’m really just wanting my old body back even tho my ed was killing that body, I hate that I want that back but maybe this is normal for only being like 5 months into this. I think the hardest part has been telling the truth about my thoughts the last couple of years, no one really knows how far I was into it- the calorie restrictions, the 21 hour fasts every single day, the weighing every day and crying if I gained even .5 a lb, even this blog I used at some point to fuel my ed. I dunno anymore I could go on for hours about this gahh

Even tho I hid my cards, my lab results showed my cards for me. Dangerously low electrolytes, liver is showing up as not happy, anemia, and the one I didn’t see coming, PCOS. But of course I had to go for an ultrasound. That was the worst for me, the whole visit was traumatic. I asked the lady at the desk for a pen and she hands it to me with a look on her face like she’s concerned and says “I hope you get better” meanwhile I don’t really know what she knows. I sit down and look at my sheet with all the things wrong with me and there I see it. The one word I didn’t want to see. Anorexia. Written right there with my name. I didn’t even know they diagnosed me, honestly my whole world started to cave in. The rest of the visit was filled with tears and stress while I had to get two ultrasounds, one that’s very invasive and I won’t go into details but long story short that’s how they told me I have PCOS. From then on it’s been a struggle, from the 24 pills a day to the mental torture having everyone around me watch me and poke at me to make sure I eat and eat enough. That’s not even the half of it, my mom has broken down many times because she doesn’t know what to do and she just doesn’t want to lose another child, and I feel terrible for this. I can’t handle the fact that my way of coping made it worse for everyone around me without me even realizing and now I’m in this hole I dug trying to get out but scared of what’s waiting for me when I do. I’ll be honest I haven’t hit the calorie goal my doctor set, 3 or 4 months in and I can’t seem to get to 2000 a day. It’s too much and I’m just scared. I’ve gotten better in some ways though, I can eat breakfast now and not want to cry, I can break a fast before 16 hours and not cry, I can go a day or two without exercising and not cry, and I haven’t stepped on a scale since that day at the doctor. So there is progress, slowly. I don’t know if I will ever truly get over all these thoughts but I know God will always be there to comfort me, that is something I won’t ever let go of. I’m going into month 5 of recovery, and I’m still scared and sometimes look back at my ED with a longing feeling like I lost a friend but that is so wrong. It isn’t your friend, anorexia and other ED’s alike are just there to end you. Look at what this has done to me already, and done to my family. I have to watch my parents cry and my sister struggle to understand why her little sister is scared of food and won’t wear a bathing suit anymore. There’s so many things anorexia has demolished in a blink of an eye, and it’s next target was me. I just want to sum this up by saying, recovery is hard as hell and terrifying- but it’s worth it in the end, when you can sleep through the night without waking up to exercise or go out with your friends or family and get a treat. I haven’t tackled most of these things yet myself but I hope if anyone out there with anorexia or an ED sees this and is struggling with recovery too or thinking about it, you’re not alone and If you need to talk to someone im here! One thing in recovery that has made it hard for me is having no one understand where your mind is at. So I really just want you all to know that there’s a lot of us who get it, and are here for you <3 anyways this is getting really long but I thought I should at least update anyone who’s followed me. Thanks for reading ~ much love xx