me a machine built to solve problems: great here’s the solution

loved one: im so fucking emotional about the problem

me: i have the solution

loved one: i get so angry. i’m frustrated

me: i am holding the solution in my hand and showing it to you

lloved one, yelling now: the universe is indifferent

#and counterintuitively you have to take care of that second part FIRST #because otherwise—as you point out—they won’t be able to absorb the solution #so step one is going ‘i love you i’m so sorry this is happening to you i love you’ and listening to them for a while

#and then once they remember that they’re not an island of misery in a sea of nothingness #you hit them with the solution (proposed gently so that it doesn’t seem like you’re trying to shut them up about the problem) #it’s probably going to feel weird to do it but I guarantee you it works

#tl;dr: when someone’s complaining about a problem it’s about an 85% chance that they actually want attention sympathy and kindness #and the actual problem is something they can solve—but only once they’ve fulfilled the immediate need

Your friends and loved ones aren’t stupid. They can think of solutions. They have tried different things. They have lived this experience, and you have heard two sentences.

You are there to listen, empathize. If you have lived experience, sympathize.