I Will Always Love You No Matter What

“If I had the courage to let myself fall in love with you and the strength to trust in you, then I have the courage to let go and the strength to stitch the shattered pieces of my heart back together.”

to whoever loves him next,

I Don’t Hate You, I Hate That I Still Love You

“I turn every one else down because they aren’t you and my heart knows it shouldn’t still be this attached to you but it refuses to let anyone else in. You’re the only one I want.”

“I plant roots so deeply in the people I love that I always lose a piece of myself when they go.”

“You know you’re fucked when you’re only 15 but yet it feels like the world could end right there and you would be fine with it. It’s fucked when girls and boys are so young but so depressed, so heartbroken. Feelings fuck you up, i remember when i was only a little girl and i had this whole life ahead of me and all I wanted was a boyfriend. And now after having one, I don’t understand why I needed one, it’s messed me up. Emotionally and physically, I am fucked. He was the type of boy you could just see yourself lasting forever with, and that’s exactly what I did. He teased me so much that I used to sook about it, but that didn’t matter because at least he was making me smile in some way. He cared so deeply, and he was so sensitive even though everyone I knew saw him as this big tough guy. He was gentle, he was romantic, it was like we were 23 and just madly in love. Our relationship was beyond what you would expect at such a young age, but we were just so maturely in love. But that’s the thing, i’m not 23, i’m so young and now i’m heartbroken and it’s not as simple as going out every night to get him out of my head. I have to sleep early because of school, i have to go to school, I have to study and commit to all of my commitments and it’s impossible to get him out of my mind. He wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was genuinely my best friend and sometimes we fought as best friends would. But no matter how we were fighting, we fought as hard as we could for each other because that’s what love does to you. But one day i guess he just decided to stop fighting, and it wasn’t like I was expecting it. We always swore we would fight for each other, fight for the relationship, fight for our fucking love but he didn’t want too anymore. He didn’t want me anymore, and i can say with all my broken heart that killed me. It’s the worse thing to wake up happily in love and then go to bed broken because you’ve lost the reason why you even got up that day. He said he lost feelings, but I can’t place when. When did he lose feelings? With all of that sweet talk, the kisses, the texts, the calls, the hugs, everything and at some point he somehow started to lose feelings. And it hurt and surprised me so much because everyone knew that he was crazy about me. I saw parts of him that he would never dare to show anyone, we were so comfortable with each other and we allowed each other into our hearts but for some reason he just didn’t want that anymore. I can not place that all in my head, how you can suddenly lose interest in something you once loved. And it wasn’t like the hurt stopped there, no a month later he found himself with another girl. Making all the memories, the love, the jokes, that we were once doing. And the weirdest thing is, everyone around him can see that he doesn’t love her. Not the way he loved me at least. And i can’t seem to process the thought of why you would throw away a diamond for a fake one. Why would you throw away your perfect girl for someone who doesn’t even come close? Fuck, she’s not even pretty and yet i feel like i have to compete with her. And every month goes by, and they are still going strong and for some reason my brain still can’t process it. I still can’t believe that he’s moved on from me because love doesn’t just go away. You can’t just get rid of love because you don’t want it anymore, feelings don’t leave when you ask them too. So what is he doing with her when he can be with me? I’ve never been the girl to wait for someone, i always want to try with everyone but for some reason i am constantly drawn to him, as if he’s truly made for me and i think he is. I think he’s the love of my life and maybe i’m just not his. But when you love something you don’t just let it go, you fucking fight like crazy for it and i can promise everyone i would never go down without a fight. Okay maybe he’s happily in love with her, but what about me? What about my love for him? That doesn’t just go away, that doesn’t get excluded so fuck society and their expectations. Fuck everyone who thinks i won’t succeed. I know what I want, and i’ve never been so determined to get it.”

“If I could tell you one thing, one thing to make you understand life just a little bit better, it would be that everyone leaves. Everyone. People are temporary and people say pain is only temporary but pain is not temporary because people leave. They leave you with nothing. You have no one and nothing but yourself. Yourself, who doesn’t know left from right or up from down. You have to learn to live with yourself. And life isn’t fair. It never has been, it never will be. Because people make life unfair. People are only people. After all, you are a person yourself. But sometimes, yourself leaves you too. And you have to figure out who you are because you don’t know what’s happening anymore. People leave. People change. People. Are. Only. Temporary.”

“To all the girls who have lost someone they thought they would never get over, You will move on. Trust me. After being with someone on and off for a year, I thought they were the love of my life. My soul mate. I thought I would never find love again. I thought I would never be happy again. I thought I would never find someone as good as he was. But I proved myself wrong. I found someone even better. I found someone who treated me better than he ever did. I found someone who appreciated me more than he ever could have. I found someone who is two times the man he could ever be. I found happiness and love. And I would never change that. So trust me, whatever you’re going through now, better things will come. I thought the same thing you are now and I never believed people when they told me I would get over him. But I did. And you will too.”

“He was my addiction. I couldn’t feel good about myself without his words. I didn’t know how to live my life without him. I needed him every second of every day to continue on. He was always on my mind and I always wanted him again. I always wanted more from him. I needed the feelings he gave me. But after I watched him leave, And I watched my mother lose her mind in an alcoholic rage, I realized how harmful addictions were. And I conquered my addiction of him. I don’t need him anymore.”

“Can we lose touch with a feeling? I sent a full stop that reeks of hung up phone calls and unanswered text messages and the desperation of trying everything to grab them by the shoulders and scream, that you could do so much better, to make them smile. A year too late, your name flickers at the top of the screen, my mouth is dry like that time you were ten minutes late and I thought, my beating heart must mean something, it didn’t. If we rewind time, we first spoke in a library we didn’t talk as loud as we would months later, to shout over the music when I told you I was happy for you and her. I remember, typing my number into your phone and hoping you’d use it but two years later, I wish you wouldn’t.”

“I hate you for destroying me to the point where I can’t fully love anymore. the greatest guy ever has walked into my life, and yet I cry until I can’t breathe thinking he will leave, just like you did. I don’t think the word destroy puts into a definition of every thing you did to me. I went so many months crying and believing I did something wrong. it took me so long to realize that you made the mistake, not me. I am in love with someone who shows me that what I felt for you wasn’t love, but only infatuation wanting to be love. I just wish I could erase you from my mind, and go back to the day when I walked into the same classroom as you, and never bat an eye. you ruined me, and who I was. sometimes I wish I could see her again, to tell her to not make the mistake of you. I hope one day the girl you love now realizes how horrible of a person you are, and leaves you for all your lies and hurtful words. but I guess she’s stuck in the same trap I was. maybe one day she’ll understand. or maybe she loves being destroyed.”

I just wanted to be enough. but I guess no matter how hard I try, I never will be.

“Love and forever are two words that mean such different things. You can put them together, but they don’t always fit. One day you’re at her house picking her up for the first date and she’s wearing that lacy black dress that puts stars in your eyes, and another day you’re telling her you love her for the first time and she starts crying because no ones ever told her they loved her, and then you’re swearing to her that it will last, you promise you’ll be there forever. And then one day the word love and forever fell apart, like a puzzle being crumbled from the hands of a toddler. And the next thing you know, you’re sleeping on your best friends couch crying into bottles until both your eyes and the bottles turn empty. And she’s laying in the bed you two shared with nothing but the wind in the curtains to keep her company, soaking your pillow with her memories of the love you two shared. “Dear love, Where did forever go?” Love left first, and forever carried on behind. His promises broke, and so did her heart when he couldn’t look her in the eye and say that he truthfully loved her. He wanted everything in him to be able to love her again, but love had left, and love wasn’t turning back around. He tried to put the puzzle back together, but he was missing the pieces. And in one day, two people lost all the years they had spent together, just because love left, and forever had to follow behind.”