I Donât Hate You, I Hate That I Still Love You
I donât hate you. How could I? The father of my dear son. I donât think I ever could, to be honest. With all our history and with all our memories, I am incapable of hating you.Â
With all of our words spoken, our letters written, and our million âI Love youâsâ that we screamed, I couldnât and wouldnât ever hate you.
I just hate that I still love you.
Itâs hard to even feel my fingers type this. Itâs like the bones in my body still donât want to accept it either. Itâs been so many days, yet, I still think of who we used to be. Of who you once were when you were with me.Â
I still dream of you. And when I do, I spent the whole rest of the day wondering where you are and what youâre doing now.
I bet you are telling someone else you love the,. And I bet you mean it. Thatâs the saddest part. Is that you really truly mean it.
But, you meant it when you said it to me too.
Donât worry, Iâm not going to try to win you back. Or try to smash thoughts of me into your head. Iâm not going to come up with some devious plan to go to where you are. Iâm done with pretending there will ever be a âyou and meâ because I know there never will be again.
I just hate that you are still wired in my brain. I hate that I write about you all the time.Â
I hate that when you tell me about her, I get jealous.
I wish I could feel like a normal human being. Donât normal people move on faster? Do they move on for good? Do they forget the past?\
I bet they donât dream about their past lover. But maybe, thatâs because they didnât have a normal love. What we had wasnât normal. IT was crazy. It was an addictive, over the top, I canât live without you, type of love.
I try to convince myself sometimes that I donât love you. I guess itâs true in some way. Iâm not in love with you anymore. I donât love who you are now, because I barely know you.
But, I do know that I still love the you who loved me.
And I love the you who treated me like gold. And I love the you who cried when you left me. I donât hate that youâre with someone else.Â
I just know that Iâll always carry love for the person you once were.
And the person who never wouldnât let me go. Thank you for making me always feel safe. Thank you for loving me through so many years. And thank you for letting me love you so hard, that I could never ever hate you.
And thank you for loving me so damn hard, so I could always love the guy you used to be.