ITSYBITSY

For the past 6 years, my life have been really like a roller coaster. And the lowest point was when I lost my father and grandfather. Others have moved on and carry on with their lives but it was not easy for me. Because I felt things deeply, and it was heavy for me. When I was asked “Were you close to your father?” I just nod but deep inside my answer was “No”. But why did I feel things so deep and breaking me? And after some time, I think the answer to that was “I really wished we were” and I actually yearned for my dad’s closeness and love. Maybe that’s the reason why it was sadder for me. The little kid in me yearned for that and when we were only starting to make things better as a daughter and father, his calling was up. Allah called him to return to Him, and I cried so much for long, for the pain I felt of losing him, for the time that I wished we had more together, for the relationship and fondness that I wished we had before he passed on.

And this got me thinking and imagine that one day in jannah or in the garden of jannah, I would be able to continue my bonding time with my dad. Be able to do things we love together and do the things we did not manage do in the dunya. I think the little me would be content and happy at that time. The little me would really heal as if things were always that happy as I could remember in my whole life.

Life has humbled me. Nowadays I cry easily compared to my 20’s self. It has been a bittersweet journey till today. I am still hopefull and wishfull of my wishes and dreams and I know Allah wants to grant me those 🥰 I just have to be patient and always husnuzon.

And at this point of life I think, being alone and less friends is a lot more comfortable. I guess I’ve become like this because I love and understand myself better. At 30’s, friends are defined differently than it was in 20’s. The dynamic changed and the relationships changed too. When people appreciate, you appreciate. When they respect, you respect too. But if they don’t, you don’t have to lower your self’s worth to gain their attention. Be real, be you, be kind to yourself first before to others.

-ISR

I am just so frustrated, tired and stressed.

Fuffy was having a very bad flu last night so I watched over her on and off, get some sleep a while and wake up every now and then to make sure her nose weren’t blocked. Hence, not enough sleep.

Woke up in the morning, tryna get myself together to take fuffy to clinic today. Gotta tag along with their dad, but then it seemed like some things were off with him as well. Put the bags in his car and went back inside the house to get fuffy into her carrier. She refused 200%. I gave up. Time’s ticking and their dad is already late to work. He didn’t help me either this time. So I gave up. Maybe staying at home is better for fuffy.

Locked the grills and sat on the couch to get some rest. And then blacky started his meowing or howling.. his way of telling he wants to go out to the backyard. As usual, not gonna happen. He got on the dining table few times but I shoved him away from it. Then he went to the kitchen and climbed onto the sink. Got him off the sink as well. And as I was scrolling my soc med timelines, I heard sounds from the kitchen but didn’t see him around. So I walked to the kitchen and tryna find his whereabout. He climbed on the kitchen cabinet and he sat on the plastic strainer/small basket. He got off from the cabinet and I smelled something off after that. It was still a bit dark, I switched on the lights, and lifted the strainer basket, and to my frustration, he peed on the fucking basket. How did I feel?

These days I had a lot of thoughts swam into my mind and a lot of feelings came by too. I have to agree that when you are married, small things will stir you up inside and made me question back my own decission, my own acceptance. When you think you are heading towards madness, it is best to keep quiet first and THINK of all edges on the issue (that you think as an issue).

It took a while to realize that what made me a lil bit stirred up is because all I desired was actually PERFECTION. Which in real life, is not going to happen.

“In marriage it takes A LOT of GIVE & TAKE.”

That is real.

I have started to see that GIVE & TAKE is what we need indeed and absoloutely not for perfection.

Like Allah said,

At the early stages in marriage life, you will be tested with struggles in money... Everything involves money now in this world... The best is to help each other, make ease/lighten the weight on their shoulders a bit if you know it will help them and thus makes you both more at ease together...

If you think money solves it all between you and your partner, good luck..!

There are sad people with the best brands in their hands in this world looking away from each other, yearning for trust, love & compassion.

Strange she said.

“I cannot consider what I feel now and felt before agree with each other.” 

When she swam away, she left everything back then, and all was left with the kind dolphin. 

And years went by, the ocean on the both sides of the world changed their colours and so does the dolphin and her. 

A word for a word. And that was forgotten and left away somewhere in the ocean. Tides had taken them away from the dolphin. She was ready to smile and to celebrate her best, and to her surprise from the very far, everything was there except for the promise to be make up to her. So she swam away, knowing that this has finally ends with the last broken promise.