Infinitesimal slivers of my mind.

Yeah? Yeah.

My mom is extremely homophobic and recently, she found out that I’m gay. I didn’t tell her. My brother was talking to my mom and let it slip. And if I was not ready to tell her, I was definitely not ready for the backlash of her knowing. I was taking a nap when my mom found out. The moment my brother let it slip, he tried to take it back but it was too late. They started arguing and it woke me up. I couldn’t really hear what they were saying and looking back at it now, I’m glad I couldn’t. I later found out that my brother was trying to explain to my mom that nothing was wrong with me for liking girls. That my happiness was all that mattered. But my mom wouldn’t listen to a word he said. So my brother begged her not to say anything to me. Not until I told her myself. And she didn’t.

I could feel the tension during dinner but I didn’t bring it up until later that night. While I was getting ready to go to bed, my mom started asking me questions about boys. What kind of boys I like and stuff like that. Instead of answering the question, I changed the subject and asked about the argument. Her expression immediately changed from lighthearted to somber. In that instant, I knew I would regret asking. She looked me straight in the eye and asked me if I liked girls. The moment I registered what she was asking, I froze. I just stood there, staring at her. Tears began streaming down my face because I knew what was coming. And I wasn’t ready for it.

I never answered her question but my reaction was all she needed for confirmation. She became hysterical. She began saying things that I mostly blocked out because they hurt too much. I tried to tell her that it wasn’t a choice, that I didn’t choose to be gay and she told me that I needed to change my thought process because my father was going to be ashamed of me. My father died of brain cancer when I was four and I always feared what he would think of me if he was still alive today. Hearing my mom say that hurt like hell. I broke down and my brother tried to comfort me but I cried myself to sleep that night.

The next day, my mom acted like she didn’t just tear my heart out. She pretended like it didn’t happen and avoided making eye contact with me for a week. Now, we’re sort of back to normal but our relationship is strained. She’s in denial, always making passing remarks about homosexuals, and it will never go back to being the same after that.

Thank you for reading this. When I told my friends what happened, they told me that it was bound to happen eventually and that it was better my mom found out now. But they didn’t understand the feeling of having your mom tell you that she would rather die than have a gay child. Let me tell you, it was the worst feeling I have ever experienced in my 17 years of life.