Melina Melino

There are moments where you just kind of sit there and think...

When will that feeling ever go away? Will it ever go away? Does it just get smaller and tolerable so you don't notice? Because it always seems to come back.

But they really don't think about my lifestyle that makes me slim in the first place... I don't overeat (often, at least), I eat my veggies, and I do aerobic exercise everyday... so obvi I'm gonna be slim 😒

the only thing I WASN'T doing was lifting

 pain really is an understatement... but I am stronger than I remember.

I am astounded by my strength and my heart.

Yesterday my spirit felt so crushed I stayed in bed for the entire day. I could barely muster the strength to project my voice louder than a quiet whisper. My face in the mirror when I’m feeling the worst is quite the picture to see. I could feel broken and sorry for myself when I see this (which I did!), but I could also trust myself and understand the cycles of grief and allow myself to pour myself out.

I poured myself out. and out. Even so, I feel like I wasn’t given enough time to FULLY process everything. Time moved by so quickly and so slowly. Life demanded that I press fast forward. I found myself comforting others more than myself. Both those deserving and undeserving. I have the tools, so I guess I had to use them.

I found people telling me what to do rather than supporting me, which was/is all I really want. Rage and disbelief, it is all valid... But please, I know it’s asking a lot since it’s fresh for them, but I just want some support and love. I know for a fact, nobody can ever feel what I am feeling. People are projecting their feelings onto me and every thought/opinion is making it so much heavier for me to carry. I’m carrying my pain, half a decade old skeletons, and the pain/anger of the people who care for me. Although their suffering is so valid, I wish it wasn’t one more thing for me to hold. It’s so heavy. It’s selfish of me to want this when they deserve to hurt too. It’s just so heavy sometimes. I felt the pressure of it all pushing me onto my bed and crushing my spirit. Sounds tacky, but that’s how I describe it feels. It is a lot to process for everyone... When you have that behemoth of a skeleton, it kind of runs through your entire village and these reactions are natural.

I want to allow everyone to process on their own, naturally. With every person I share this with, my life becomes so much harder. I feel the pain that they feel. I rehash the feelings I felt. It’s like reopening a healing wound every time I feel the fresh feelings of others. The others that have not been in my shoes. Their reality is just as real as mine. I just wish for more empathy for me as I give to others.

It took 3 days for me to say, “Although what you did was ____... I forgive you.” You see, forgiveness is necessary to heal. If I hang on to resentment, I will only tear myself apart. I could rightfully so choose that path, but I feel like this generous grace is the correct one for me.

I did not give this freely. I wanted him to feel everything I felt through my rose colored glasses. He deserved it. I did this while slowly dissecting every emotion and memory piece by piece. Every sentence of hope that I remember. Every doe eyed moment where I looked at him and said, “I’m so glad you would never do that to me.” Every memory that rotated around it. Every kind gesture around it.

Believe me, I’m a romantic. Worse, I’m a romantic who is smart. And even worse, a romantic who listens to T. Swift. I made sure to twist the knife, throw salt, and alcohol on it... All while being painfully respectful. Being respectful isn’t painful for me, but it was painful for the him. 

I know this is an odd path that I am walking. It’s an odd situation overall. I really don’t have a choice. I need to live. But what I can really say is...

I believe in myself and I trust myself. I have confidence in myself. I am healing and processing.

...And that’s the time I got Eren Yaegered!

Most people don't think about preventative measures but instead think about curing/solving issues after they already happen.

By the time we realize we're gonna burn to a crisp, it'll already be too late. We're lowkey already turning on the toaster oven.

2055 is going to be rough.