keychain / akira williams

Kuma was diagnosed with 2 tumors last month. One in her neck and one in her uterus. I was devastated and had already started mourning her well before she was even gone.

Antibiotics made short work of the neck tumor as it disappeared entirely. The uterus tumor had also shrunken a small bit in size. The vet said that this is a good sign, as cancerous tumors don't normally react to antibiotics this way. This filled me with me an insurmountable amount of hope. Those deeply mournful feelings were quickly overtaken by hope. That Kuma could live out her rightful full life. That she'd be there for my wedding in November. That my fiance and I could get a picture with her at the alter.

Over the last month ever since her diagnosis, she has occupied the forefront of my brain. I have spent most of my waking moments conscious of her. Overthinking every little thing. Did she eat today? If so, did she eat enough? Did she poop today? If so, did she poop enough? Why is she so active and restless? Is it because she's in pain? Are the antibiotics & painkillers working? Are the medicines providing any negative side effects like making her too sleepy or preventing her from pooping?

Normally for as long as I've had her, she'd hang out on my lap or desk. Occasionally poking her head out to check up on me or to investigate the immediate surroundings. Then she'd go back to snuggling. But for that last month, she was nonstop restless. She wanted to go. Go somewhere. So instead of just putting her back in her cage and going back to doing what I was doing, I'd go with her. I'd plop her down on the living room floor next to her cage and just let her move around the house, following closely behind her. I didn't want her to get stuck behind furniture or appliances. I'd do this for any amount of time between 30-45 minutes out of the hour I normally have her out in a day. I really wanted to make the time we had left count. It seemed to be the only thing she wanted to do.

For the last 2 days of her life, her condition changed overnight. She was eating no food. She was drinking no water. She was not pooping. She was extremely lethargic and weak. All of the mournful feelings rushed in again. We had an appointment for her to get uterine surgery Wednesday. It was currently Thursday night, she was not going to survive until then. I had no choice but to call the vet first thing in the morning and try to get her in with an emergency.

I did not sleep much that night. I woke up constantly and was having frequent abstract and stressful dreams. One of them was actually me bringing Kuma to the vet. But for some reason we got on a helicopter. As we flew over to the vet, the world around me started to engulf in water. The world around me was sinking. I spoke to my therapist about this dream. She talked about how the dream likely represents how this very serious & stressful situation has engulfed the rest of my life. I loved Kuma so much, I was willing to sacrifice everything for her. I didn't want to socialize with anyone. I suppressed my emotions so I could be strong for her. I thought about her while Mother Ethel Cain was singing on stage infront of me.

Unfortunately there was nothing the vet could do. She was far too weak to receive the surgery. She passed away at the vet. I got to hold her body and kiss her one last time before having to leave her to be cremated. Kuma was so special. My fiance and I drove 2 hours to pick her up from her breeder. She is such a beautiful hedgehog with a beautiful coat. She spent a decent portion of her life being reserved, often choosing to hide. But when she was put into a situation where she had no where to hide, she showed an enormous adventurous spirit. Kuma was also extremely friendly, similar to that of our first hedgehog Kujo. Rarely balling up & hissing infront of strangers. She is getting cremated and her urn should hopefully be here soon. She will be joining the hedgehog shrine. Where her predecessors' urns and portraits rest. I think I am going to take a break from owning pets for a while. My fiance is getting top surgery soon and he's also in grad school. I want use my time being unemployed investing into my creative endeavors because that is what I always wanted to do.