Random stuff I like

Chapter 1

They had sat in silence for a long time. Jules had no idea how much time had passed. Seconds had melted to minutes. Jules’s panic had turned into a weird haze. It was the same feeling that she got on road trips. Nothing felt real. There wasn’t past, present or future. Just one long moment that was impossible to grab and hold onto. The moment flowed like a stream – constantly moving yet forever the same. Jules wasn’t sure did she love or hate that feeling.

Nate had showed up at Jules’s house unannounced. She wasn’t sure what had possessed her to open the door. Maybe it was the knowledge of the fact that Nate was unpredictable, and Jules wasn’t willing to put herself on the line of fire. Especially after what Nate had done to Maddy. Jules hadn’t believed for a second that Nate wasn’t behind that.

Neither of them had said much. Nate had knocked on the backdoor almost right after Jules’s dad had left. Jules was fairly sure that Nate had been watching her house – waiting. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Jules had thought that she had seen Nate’s car parked down the streets occasionally few times before. She had told herself that she was just overthinking it. Multiple people could have the same model car. Not that she was even 100% sure what Nate’s car looked like. Now her mind wandered back to the possibility. that it could have been Nate after all. But if it was, then why? What was the angle? Jules was terrified to ask.

Nate had marched in right past Jules. He had known his way to the living room a little too well. Jules tried to ignore that. Nate had sat down on the couch and haven’t moved after at all. The way he was sitting seemed weird. Nate usually had a good posture. Stiff, even. But not now. He had leaned all the way back and was resting his head against the wall behind him. Jules had never seen him like this.

There were many odd things about Nate’s behavior. He wasn’t wearing his usual stone-cold expression or a cruel smile. He looked sad. There was something in his eyes that Jules couldn’t really read. Nate was staring at the ceiling, not seeming to care about Jules’s observing gaze. That was weird as well. Nate always had something to say. Usually something rude or demanding.

Jules wasn’t scared of Nate. She knew that she maybe should have been. Nate was ruthless. He had violent tendencies and he had been able to blackmail her into committing a crime. Maybe that was the reason Jules didn’t feel fear. What could he do? Hurt her? Beat the shit out of her or take advantage of her sexually? Jules wasn’t afraid of those things. Many people had hurt her before. She would get through it again. Nate wouldn’t break her. Jules wouldn’t allow a piece of shit like him to do that to her. No.

For some reason Jules didn’t believe that Nate would hurt her. Not like that. She had no reason to think so, but for some reason she did. It was just a gut feeling. An instinct. Jules wasn’t a fool. She knew that she wasn’t safe with Nate. Only an idiot would feel safe with a person like that. But still, she trusted the sense of security she felt with the idea that Nate wouldn’t lay his hands on her. Maybe it was foolish of her - or even arrogant. Whatever it was, Jules chose to believe in it. At least for now.

“You shouldn’t let people walk in like that,” Nate was talking in his familiar stern voice; “It’s not very safe. You’re dainty. You wouldn’t be able defend yourself.”

Jules wasn’t sure was that meant as a threat. I’ll fuck you up if you won’t do what I want. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. Jules didn’t answer. What could she even say? It was probably wiser not to say anything. Nate cut the silence again after a moment. His eyes were still locked to the ceiling.

“There’s people in this world who want to hurt people like you. Pretty, fragile girls with no self-respect. You wouldn’t even report it, would you. No one would care enough. They wouldn’t believe you. You would be just another slut anyway. Everyone knows the way you dress. The photos you post on your Instagram. They would dig up the messages, photos and videos you’ve send to men you don’t know. Men who don’t give a shit about you. You were basically asking for it.” Nate talked monotonously. There was no emotion in anything he said.

Nate’s words made Jules feel sick to her stomach. She knew he was right, of course. That was how the world worked. No one cared about girls or women until they were dead. Preferably brutally murdered. Molested and mutilated. Then they cared. Then people mourned and cried how this could never happen again. Enjoyed the tragedy porn for the while it was interesting – and then moved on even though nothing changed. Jules knew that it wouldn’t be like that if she died in a horrible way. Most people didn’t care about trans girls. Or if they cared, they wanted girls like Jules dead anyway.

“Why are you here, Nate?” Jules asked. She tried her best not to sound as small as she felt.

Nate didn’t answer the question but kept talking: “You don’t deserve that. You don’t. There are some people who do. You know. Some people are so out of touch with the real world that the only thing bringing them back to reality is that something horrendous happens to them. Something so bad that they can no longer look at their own reflection. Face their families. That they have to carry the crown of shame for years, because the way they were violented was so humiliating.”

Jules didn’t want to listen to Nate’s monologue. She felt like she was about to throw up but wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was just the way Nate talked. He said such terrible things but the way he articulated them made Jules feel like he was right. Jules didn’t agree with him at all, but something told her to listen. To believe every single word he said. That maybe some people deserved to get hurt.

It was unsettling how much power Nate held. He was the perfect package in a way. Tall, dark and handsome. He had charisma and ambition. Greed, some would say. Power hungry, shameless men were the worst of them. Jules hated the fact that those attributes were the ones she was attracted to. Mostly sexually. She knew that deep down it was also about an insane wish that she could change them for better. Or corrupt their beliefs with her own and get full control of them. It was stupid, Jules knew.

“You know,” Nate started and took a brief pause; “Maybe I’m one of those people. That only after that I would be whole. After someone destroys me.”

“Why are you telling me this? Any of this?” Jules asked. She was no clue what this was about. What was the point of any of this? Why of all people Nate had come to her?

A faint smile on Nate’s face came and went in a blink of an eye. He closed his eyes; “Because you won’t tell anyone?”

“Says who?” Jules asked. She knew full well that she wouldn’t be talking to anyone about this. Not even Rue. Hell, Jules wasn’t sure did Rue want to be in any contact with her anyway. Jules didn’t have many people to talk with.

Jules had realized that she didn’t really have anyone in the past weeks. Rue hadn’t answered any of Jules’s texts or calls after the incident at the train station. Sure, TC and Anna were her friends, but they lived in the city and the distance was taking a toll on her and TC’s friendship. They had used to be thick as thieves, but it wasn’t the same. And then there was Kat, but she was more Rue’s friend. Jules didn’t trust anyone to know what was going on with her and Nate.

“No one’s going to know that I was even here,” Nate said in a low voice. It wasn’t threatening. He had probably figured out that Jules wouldn’t dare to tell anyone anything. And if she did, Nate could just deny it all. Jules would be just an outsider spreading rumors. No one would listen. Nate was smart enough to understand the power he had in this situation. The power he had in general.

“What do you want from me?” Jules asked. She was starting to feel uneasy with the situation. She wanted Nate out of her home. This had been a safe haven – untouched ground. Nate was tarnishing it and Jules hated it. She hated him and how he made her feel.

Nate took a moment to respond. He turned his head lazily to lean to the right, so he was facing Jules. His expression was hard to interpret. In a way he looked relaxed, calm. On the other hand, Jules could see something manic in the way he looked at her. It was that too familiar hungry look Jules had seen in the eyes of all the men she had ever slept with. Jules knew Nate wasn’t going to admit to being attracted to her, but she knew. She saw it. Felt it. Nate didn’t exactly try to hide it.

“I’m not sure yet. Many things,” Nate said. Jules had never seen him like that. The whole thing was so out of character. But at the same time not at all. Nate had always been unpredictable and usually in the nastiest ways possible. Jules hoped that he wouldn’t do another sudden turn of behavior like he had at the lake.

Jules hated the fact that Nate only gave vague answers and treated her in the way he did. Worst thing was that Jules couldn’t deny the attraction she felt to him. It was textbook destructive behavior. Jules hadn’t realized how deep waters she was in before the night at the club with Anna. How she couldn’t have stopped seeing Nate. Feeling his touch on her skin and fantasizing about degrading him. It hadn’t been about revenge or despise. It was raw desire and Jules felt sick when she thought about it. She was sick. It wasn’t normal to feel this way about a person who treated her the way Nate did.

Something twisted in Jules’s stomach when she thought about the way Nate had kissed her at the lake. How good it had felt. How Jules longed for that moment even though she hated his guts. Even though he had threatened to ruin her life in the worst possible way. Even though Jules wanted nothing more than to strike his head with an ashtray. It was messed up in so many ways.

“Have you ever thought about running away?” Nate asked. He was still looking straight at Jules. She was staring right back.

“I have ran away before,” Jules said. Nate smiled at that.

“Of course, you have,” Nate said and his smiled died down: “Why have you come back?”

Jules shrugged: “My dad. Friends. My life. I can’t runaway forever. I like myself too much.”

“Do you really?”

Jules didn’t answer. She did. She loved herself. What she was deep down. It was just everything else that she hated. Sometimes she hated everything so much that the only solution was to go away or else she might have done something unspeakable. But she wouldn’t. She was self-destructive at times, not suicidal. Not anymore.

A car drove to the house. Headlights flashed. It got to be dad. He had only left for a quick visit at the grocery store. Nate got up before the engine was turned off. Jules followed in suit. She wasn’t sure why. Nate knew the way and Jules wanted her out as quickly as possible. Neither of them said anything when they walked through the utility room to the back door.

Nate opened the door and turned to Jules: “This wasn’t locked. You have to lock your doors.”

“Yeah, umh, yeah dad probably left it open. He does that,” Jules said and hated how she stumbled over her words. This took her by surprise, and she didn’t understand why Nate cared.

“Keep it locked,” Nate commanded, and Jules nodded, even though Nate wasn’t even looking at her direction.

Nate was already halfway out of the door, when their eyes locked for a brief second. That was enough for something to click in Nate’s head. Nate pushed her against a wall with so much force that Jules knew it would leave a bruise. His hands were tangled up in her hair and it sent shivers down her spine. Jules wasn’t sure was it because of the pain or the fear or the raw attraction she felt towards Nate. Probably all three.

The way Nate kissed her was soft. His lips moved slowly, tenderly. Jules melted under Nate’s touch and he didn’t pull on her hair so violently anymore. It felt good. So, so good that Jules wished the moment wouldn’t pass and would last forever. Getting lost in this sensation was addictive. Breathtaking.

The moment broke, when Jules placed her hand on Nate’s hips. She hadn’t even realized that she was doing it before Nate yanked her head back. It bumped against the wall, but Nate’s hand was still in her hair softening the hit.

Nate scoffed and shook his head: “Don’t even dream about that.”

“I won’t, but you do, don’t you?” Jules wasn’t sure where this sudden burst of confidence was coming from. She looked Nate straight into eyes and wouldn’t turn away.

“Fuck you,” Nate hissed and let go of Jules. Again, with way more force than necessary. Jules didn’t give a damn.

“You want to, right? You want to fuck me so bad and you can’t handle it. You can’t even admit it to yourself.” Jules saw how rage was building up in Nate. He looked furious and Jules loved it so much it made her toes curl.

Jules heard how the front door opened. Dad was here.

Jules couldn’t resist the temptation. At this point she was just begging for a beat-up. She leaned forwards to get closer to Nate and whispered: “You want me, but your daddy got to me first. Makes you angry, doesn’t it?”

Nate didn’t answer. He didn’t even touch Jules. He must have heard the door as well. Jules loved the power she had now. Nate couldn’t hurt her now that there would be a witness. Jules knew that this would come to bite her in the back sooner or later, but she didn’t care.

They stared at each other for a second longer, before Nate finally stepped back. Jules saw how he clenched his fists, but he didn’t even try to lay hands on her. He bit his lip and Jules couldn’t help but to smile. She loved this sudden rush of adrenaline that she got from talking back at Nate. It bubbled in her belly and made her hands shake. Nate noticed the shaking. He brushed his hand against Jules’s arm. It was a fond gesture, not aggressive. Jules’s smile grew wider even though she tried to fight it back.

There was clattering coming from the kitchen. Nate didn’t turn to look. He was still staring deep into Jules’s eyes. They stood like that for a moment longer. Only inches apart, slowly leaning towards each other. Jules felt Nate’s breath on her skin. It was getting heavier by the second.

Nate was the first to pull back.

first thing is to make it a less scary thought, a more concrete idea and not a hypothetical. it doesnt have to be all-or-nothing, cold turkey, a huge announcement and a fundamental shift in your personality. the internet will be in your life for the rest of your life, this is an ongoing relationship you are trying to make healthier thats all! and it takes one step at a time and some self-compassion, but a true effort nonetheless. 'dont you think thats a bit too serious-' if youre my age you quite literally grew up and developed online, it is literally part of your psyche the way your childhood is, it IS serious, you deserve to treat it seriously.

dont save your login info/dont stay logged in for social media accounts, having to manually log in when you want to go on like youre on some elementary school chrome book is a really healthy and clear boundary to have between being logged off and logged on.

-> bigger challenge - uninstall it on your phone in general, only log on on your laptop/pc if applicable for you!

if youre motivated to, try to work on your posture too. i only say that because most of our bad posture is at least partially related to being on our phones a lot, and when i started wanting to fix my posture, completely separately and unrelated from trying to break my phone addiction, it made it easier to lose interest in my phone since i didnt want to ruin my progress with my posture. it made me start to have a mindset like 'well if you cant do this on your phone with good posture then dont do it' and 'if youre on your phone so long your posture starts to cave in, youve probably spent too long on your phone anyway'

listen to music more. its easier for me to kinda write off my phone and do other things if i just open music or a podcast or long youtube video on it. i know we all love long video essays, but i recommend music more specifically for me at least because im less inclined to pause music or scroll while listening to it for some reason? whereas using a show or video or podcast for white noise, im way more likely to also be scrolling on my phone and that is my activity lol. music for some reason i dont want to interrupt and instead of being on my phone i can clean or do something productive on my computer etc

this one is sooo hard but try to fall asleep with some distance between you and your phone, even just a couple feet. mine stays on the desk next to my bed which isnt that far but its better than on bed like it used to be. when you wake up you probably wont feel like reaching for it right away if its far and even better if you have to get up for it because then at least you stand and move your body first thing instead of looking at your phone first thing. and try to get more and more of your morning routine done before touching your phone over time.

-> for me, i started by just trying to at least wake up a bit in bed before touching it, then stand up before touching it, then stand and stretch, then going to the bathroom first, making coffee first, feeding the cat first, etc. its surprisingly helpful to have a specific chore/task in mind that is The requirement so that everytime you do it you get a lil dopamine rush for unlocking your phone from yourself lmao. when the weather was nice i used to make my Requirement being outside first before going on it and i LOVED that. esp as it got easier and i started doing more and more before going on it and finally walking outside with coffee and my phone felt like such a pleasant little reward.

find a hobby that uses your hands. example: i really need to get back into knitting because when i did it regularly so much time that wouldve been on my phone was spent knitting with music/podcasts/shows/(even online lectures! when i felt productive lol) playing. its the same amount of physical relaxing - barely moving lol - but uses a longer attention span and a much better dopamine hit than scrolling, i literally MADE things.

-> you might be thinking, 'but mindless knitting isnt better than mindless scrolling is it?' but that mindless feeling on your phone is just that, mindless. the mindless feeling you get when doing something like knitting is actually closer to a flow state, which is actually incredibly good for you, like a fulfilling nutritious meal as opposed to 'empty calories' or whatever

get a widget for your homescreen that shows your screen time. i have one and of course it doesnt always stop me but seeing that time go up all day the more i use it and the pride of keeping it low is really helpful

practice grounding. in general.

spend more time on anonymous activities and have more privacy and less attachment with your 'persona' - what i mean by that is, i consider things like scrolling through tumblr (for me personally!) to be relatively harmless because i dont try to like,, brand myself here. if youre a tumblr regular you know the jokes - 0 follows, 0 notes, screaming to the void, moots you dont talk to, blorbo pfp and urls, fake names everywhere, and we're having fun! basically targeting the 'everyone is famous now' thing with this one - embrace being a nobody with no personal stakes here

-> personally ive never kept up with having social media accounts that are actually just, me irl - like a facebook or main instagram, like a locals account yknow? but i think it goes for that too - stop spending so much time trying to further personalize your online presence in the hopes of it representing you perfectly - because it never will, and it shouldnt, and you shouldnt aspire for that. your social media presence is lighthearted and incredibly surface-level, treat it like that! thats not me bashing social media either, having that mindset will make it more enjoyable bc youll be using it as it should be used!

do following/followers or camera roll/files or app purges. this is also a soft launch type of way to practice easing into a better mindset. aside from just literally getting rid of junk, the process of trying to judge whether or not you need something is good practice in mindfulness! even if you dont delete everything you feel like you maybe should, thats fine, youll do other purges in the future too. eventually youll get better at parting with things and realizing when things that feel good in a moment are actually bad for you. and it forces you to regularly check in on your more long-lasting parasocial relationships online and how theyre serving you or not

speaking of parasocial - for actual friends, if theyre irl, think about how much you interact with them online vs in person and why you think that is and how it affects you. maybe youll wanna see them more irl if possible (i promise its better for your friendship), maybe youll realize you dont need to keep tabs on them anymore (old high school acquaintances lookin at you). for celebrities and fandom things - try to think about the bare minimum content from them you could do with. you dont have to unstan all your faves and stop enjoying things - but do you need their notifications on? if you have designated fan accounts, are they still a source of joy or of stress? do you need them on all the platforms or just one or two? do you need to have all that saved content of them? are there aspects of this that you love that could be found elsewhere, maybe even offline? (again you dont have to stay one way forever, just encouraging checking in with yourself!)

if youre of the genre of online where you just cant help yourself from getting involved in big discussions or discourse and arguments - i recommend journaling when you get upset by something online, articulating your feelings without the idea of someone ever reading it and without the goal of 'winning' or being the most correct and logical or even the most sympathetic and morally good. take away every audience aspect of it. what is this really about for you, and why would strangers online deserve to hear your personal well-thought out opinions? why would your thoughts deserve to be simplified and misconstrued and underappreciated the way they would be in this discussion? is there even an outcome to this where you feel truly satisfied? are their people who are more worthy of hearing your thoughts who arent part of this audience? is this a conversation that is best held online where so much communicative nuance is inevitably sacrificed?

in the end these are all just practices in remembering how in control you are. and that goes for if any of these are scary or too difficult sounding too! these all become less scary if you remember that as soon as anything becomes too uncomfortable or painful, you have all the power to stop doing it, make a change, and try again later. so much of advice for quitting bad habits can be intimidating because the pressure and the shame that would come from failing scares you out of the possible benefits of trying - just go ahead and kill that shame from the jump. of course youre going to fail! you are going to have setbacks! thats part of it! you have agency in this, always. the internet is not inherently or completely evil nor good. build trust in yourself to make the calls on when it is serving you and when it isnt on a case-by-case basis, and then give yourself permission to learn through trial and error.

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