I Am Enough

My beautiful plus size cat, a perfect specimen, who has never done anything wrong in her life: Prrrrt??

I am in an exceptionally salty mood for no real reason, so while studying for my Theories exam, I came up with these.

These vignettes in no way represent actual therapy with someone of the specified theoretical orientation.  I’m just being excessively mean and snarky, and you get to enjoy it.

Psychoanalytic therapy:

Client: I’m genderfluid.  I sometimes am male, and sometimes am female.

The therapist’s head literally explodes.

Existential therapy:

Therapist: Why are we so afraid of death?  Is it because we fear not fulfilling our life’s work?  CAN THERE TRULY BE ANY MEANING TO LIFE WHEN DEATH IS COMING FOR US ALL?

Client: You’re right. Life’s not worth living.  

Therapist: I didn’t mean that in the literal sense.  I meant it in the philosophical sense.  Because at heart, I’m a philosopher.  But you can’t find a job in philosophy for love nor money, so HERE I FUCKING AM.  And you get to sit and talk philosophy with me AND IT WILL FIX YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS.

Person-centered therapy:

Client: I need to figure out some skills so I stop doing the thing.  Can you teach me skills to not do the thing?

Therapist: It seems like it’s very important to you that this problem be solved.

Client: … are you going to fucking help me or not?

Therapist: It must be so frustrating.

Client: YES IT FUCKING IS BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET BETTER

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Gestalt therapy:

Therapist: Let’s try an experiment.  See this empty chair?  Pretend that’s your wife.  Say what you want to say, then switch chairs and reply as your wife.

Client:… ahem.  Jill, I think this idea is pretty fucking stupid.

Client moves chairs.

Client, as Jill: I agree, honey.  What the fuck is this shit even?

Client moves back to original chair.

Client, as self: Not helpful, that’s what it is.

Behavior therapy:

Therapist: Don’t do this thing.

Client: But how do I stop myself from thinking about it?

Therapist: No one cares. Just don’t do the thing.

Client: But–

Therapist plays extremely loud and unpleasant noise.

Client: Ow, what the fuck!

Therapist: Don’t do the thing or that will happen again.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Therapist: Here you go, it is now week 5 so do this assignment and turn it in next week.

Client: I thought this was therapy, not school?

Therapist: This has worked for literally everyone ever who has had your condition.  So shut up and do the work.

Client: But I am an individual—

Therapist, interrupting: NO INDIVIDUALS.  ONLY ROBOTS. EMPIRICALLY SUPPORTED TREATMENT.  ARE YOU BETTER YET?

Feminist Therapy

Therapist: …and thus concludes my 1,000 slide power point about how our shitty cultural norms and intersectional oppression causes literally every mental problem that exists ever.

Client with schizophrenia: Seriously?

Client with bipolar: Really?

Client with autism: Uh.

Therapist: FEMINISM WILL FIX YOU ALL!!  Group hug!!!

Family Systems

Therapist: Wait, where is your family?

Client, sobbing: They all died in a car crash last week!  I’m such a mess, doc, you gotta help me!

Therapist: Um. Well.  LOOK OVER THERE!!!

we were punished for “learning too fast” by having the lessons about how to learn taken away from us, and by couching it all in positive language so that our peers would resent and isolate us. literally all of us know we’re not better than anyone else, but that doesn’t seem to matter in the face of “i was jealous in elementary school and have held on to that for 15+ years.”

when we say things like “i don’t know how to learn things that i don’t immediately understand” you hear “i was that kid you hated because i never studied but i always got a 100% on the test anyway,” but what we mean is:

i have a vague understanding of what a flash card is, but no idea how to make them or what to do with them

i have literally no idea how to take notes because:

i don’t know what i’ll forget if i don’t write it down

i don’t know how to pay attention to what’s being said while i write

i wouldn’t know what to do with the notes anyway

if i don’t understand something, i don’t know how to formulate a question

i don’t know how to recognize when i don’t know something until it goes wrong, at which point i don’t know how to identify what i did wrong

i can’t tell the difference between a mistake that’s part of the learning process and a mistake where i should know better