03:00 When I think about never speaking to him again, I picture a girl walking in a crowd thatās all moving in the same direction, and then suddenly she drops everything sheās holding and turns around and starts running as fast as she can, smiling and pushing past everyone till finally she reaches an open space and her face looks like sunshine as her hair blows behind her in the wind and sheās free sheās free, oh God, sheās free. 03:15 But then I think about walking into a doctorās office ten years from now and sitting on a cold metal table, staring at my legs dangling off the edge, waiting. And then I look up as the door opens slowly, not expecting to see his tattooed arms hidden in a lab coat, but there he is and, oh God, his eyes havenāt changed, and I canāt breathe, and he just stands there, looking at me like an unfinished sentence. Then Iād have to let him put a stethoscope to my chest and listen to my heart and I wonder what itād sound like, if it would sound like messy half beats of missing him. If heād be able to tell. If heād care. 03:30 Or maybe the next time I see him, if I ever see him again, weāll both be whole versions of ourselves, content and in good places, our lives all sorted out and how we always hoped theyād be. And maybe weād be able to talk about the weather and our kids and the lives we created apart. And maybe Iād be able to look at him with only feelings of pleasant acquaintance and relative indifference, not seeing the boy I fell for when I shouldāve been focused on catching myself. 03:45 And I know I should find comfort in thinking about how one day I may look at him and feel nothing, 04:00 but itās four in the morning and I donāt want to let go.
m.k.Ā |Ā What Kept Me Up Last Night (via tsktsks)
