DANCING BEAR

I dont know how to talk about my problems. I have a lot of issues. I don’t like how i look, how i interact with people, how i can’t trust people, how i deal with my feelings and much more.

Sometimes i feel like there’s no way out except death. But i know i won’t kill myself. I am too scared to do it. But i also don’t have any other solution. Please help me. Please. I have nothing that makes me truly happy anymore. It feels like i am no longer living but just barely existing.

I feel so vulnerable. The smallest things set me off. Just now I could feel all my energy, my motivation draining out of me because of one sentence. I have no right to be mad at them for talking like that. I should just mind my own business. I keep on giving my opinion on topics that shouldn’t matter to me. There are so many things that I remembered today:

I will never be pretty

I will never look good

I will never accept my body the way it is

My life will never be like the life in my dreams

One day I will lose this fight against myself

There is probably not one day where I didn’t say I want to die & I hate my life. I truly do. It has nothing to do with my mum. My mum has always wanted the best for me. The other one in my family keep putting stones into my way and I have no energy to lift them. There are days where I feel so drained even though I don’t do anything. My head just keeps going so fast and I think & overthink everything. In a few months she will be going too. I might not talk to her much and I might feel worse after I meet up with her but in the end she is always there for me and I feel a little ok when I’m with her.

The last few problems I didn’t talk to anybody. Nobody knows it. Even if they heard me crying or asked me why I am crying I just brushed it off. I keep on telling everyone that I’m okay but I AM NOT. And it’s not going to change if I don’t tell them. However, how can I tell them.

They will think I am huge baby and that I should be grateful and so on.

There are days where I feel so empty that I can’t even cry. When I try to sleep I can’t. I tried sleeping with the Sleep playlist on Spotify but it’s not helping. I thought so many times about going to a doctor but I feel like my problems are not serious enough. I am also scared of what my family will say. 

Like I said when I don’t think about it I feel pretty okay but once I start thinking about it something in me starts counting all the bad things in my life. At this point I am already done with living and I am really ready to die. I’m not saying this because I want to be funny or anything.

I don’t have any dreams. I don’t have an inspiration, motivation or anything positive (except my mum) that ties me to my life. I am just breathing because of my mum. I can’t kill myself without hurting her. But when I die I hope she won’t be too sad because I really wanted to die. 

One cut there

Nobody will see