hêll on êarth

love breaths life into you, but it will kill you, love is red, burning desire, for most. love is infectious like the god damn flu, love enthralls your mind, making it the host.

love fills your body, numbing the harsh pain, heartbreak leaves you on the ground, ready to die. love leaves you on the ground, just slightly slain, love, it seems, is a rather pretty lie.

you lay in your bed at night, all alone; you want that person oh so much, to be there with you, in your home. just laying there, very still, in each others clutch.

if you had told me as a child that at 12, i wanted to die,

i would have looked at you and called you weird. 

to me, you were wishing for my own mutually assured self destruction.

little did i know that depression would become a new normal, like seeing someone i used to know with a newly grown beard.

after all, my generation is full of snowflakes right? we’ve gone soft, and we havent seen the world. 

we haven’t smoked pot to escape the impending doom of creaking depression.

its like a rollercoaster, going at full speed straight into the depths of your mind.

we haven’t seen the brutality of kids in school. we haven’t seen kids beat up other kids. 

we haven’t seen the blood of out classmates dot the floor like crushed berries in freshly fallen snow. 

possibly, the blood of out so-called foes dot the soft skin of out weak hands. 

the bloodlust etched into out brains like it was the only thing keeping us alive. 

we havent heard the gun threats, or the possibilty of our school being blown up.

we haven’t seen the bruises cover our friends bodies from abusive parents, that people just let slip by. 

we haven’t seen the drugs right? 

the thin white powder of an unknown substance, the hard crystal of another. 

we haven’t seen the kids who come to school at 7:45 in the morning already drunk right? 

we havent seen their glazed over prematurely lifeless eyes, their speech patterns muddled and their words slurred. 

their body stumbling around like the world is spinning too fast for them to comprehend.

we haven’t been bullied to the point of suicide right?

wear the wrong thing, look the wrong way, be too big, be too skinny. be too ugly or god forbid you’re too pretty. 

we haven’t heard of racism and prejudice against others right? 

have the wrong skin color and 

BANG!

another innocent soul lost just because an officer felt ‘threatened' 

we havent seen the world right?

i remember that one night we sat outside, in the freezing cold just staring each other, we could have lasted until we were old we were the unstoppable pair both with golden hair hand locked in hand

i remember that one night, we were in your car. you kind of gave me this look. and you just stared at me like i was the most precious thing to you like i was all you ever needed. and for the first time i felt love, because you were precious to me too.

i remember that one night, we swung on the creaky swings at the park. the squeaked and squealed, a sorrow filled tune matching the crying of my heart. my bitten down nails strained against the cold chains of the rusty swing set. you were floating away slowly, drifting away and with you, my heart.

i remember that one night, we were in your room. it was pitch black in comforting silence it had been a while since you told me you loved me and i knew our connection was growing weak with each passing week, you were falling in love with another girl that wasn't me.

i remember that humid summer night, we were texting one another. you were being pushed away so suddenly, and not a fight arose from you. you were gone like a ghost drifting through my life. so translucent and fake, blowing away like leaves in the wind

I dream a dream,

Of waking up alive

And not wanting to die.

I dream a dream,

Of waking up next to you

To your smile.

I dream a dream,

Of us having a happily ever after

And getting away from our problems.

I dream a dream,

Of waking up happy

Without those wretched thoughts.

I dream a vivid, intense dream,

Of you.