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I've changed. For good. I had a hard time for years, I struggled with my mental health, I lived in a toxic environment, I had toxic relationships in general. It was my comfort zone, until I realized that it will be like this forever if I don't force myself a little. I went to therapy, I broke off relationships with those who I think were hurting me. The friends who supported me then are my friends now, for the rest, I'm sorry that we took different paths, I'm sorry that you didn't enjoy who I am today, because I'm extremely happy. I also have bad days, as we all have, but I'm glad I woke up to reality. I worked hard on myself for 3 years and it was worth it. Today I have a boyfriend and some friends I didn't think I would ever have, I learned to say NO and set boundaries AND I'm trying to love myself everyday. You have to feel your best to perform your best. You can be the hardest fucking worker in the room but if you feel like shit inside, you'll struggle to reach the levels you're working hard for.

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“May flowers grow in the saddest parts of you.”

— Zainab Aamir

A day.

My boyfriend always tells me that I can't even wake up at 6 A. M. (I should have been prepared for univeristy at that time). But does he know how sick i feel in the morning, how i fight with my own thoughts, how much i love the sun but i hate it in the same time because it's a sign for - living for another day-? Or it's (am i) to much for him to handle?

So, finally, i got out of the bed. "Go wash your face, brush your teeth, eat something".. But i end up sitting on the corner of the bed, a lot of images are coming through my mind. I see my dad's face over and over as i'm staring at the blank wall for another 20 minutes. But nothing gets out of my mouth. Just non-sense thoughts.

It's time to eat. "No, strave yourself, put yourself in pain, make your body fall on the ground". But it never happens. "Smoke a cigarette and drink a coffee". Yeah, that's a good idea.

So i turn on the music.

"You're dislocated

Don't be like that

And you smile when you dive in

Like you're never coming back

So hold my body

Yeah, hold my breath

See your face when I black out

I'm never coming back"

(Fear of the Water - SYML)

And the day goes by just like that. But there's a moment when everything feels a little lighter.. When you're coming home from work. You open the door and kiss me and it feels like my wounds are not bleeding anymore. - He will abandon you. Love is just a selfish feeling and everything will vanish. - But I will never put that pressure on you, because it has nothing to do with you, the problem is that i had to wake up this morning.

Azi te-am văzut în vis și a părut mai real ca niciodată. Oricât de mult te-aș iubi și oricât de dor mi-ar fi de tine, îmi e greu când îmi apari în gând. Mi-era teamă că nu iți mai știam chipul, dar mi-a fost și mai teamă când te-am văzut azi. Stateam amândouă langa un geam, iar tu ma tineai in brate pe la spate, ne uitam pe fereastra la ce momente frumoase am petrecut impreuna, iar eu n-am fost capabila sa le pretuiesc. In realitate, imi curgeau lacrimile pe obraz, eram fericita si infricosata, dar n-am vrut sa ma trezesc de teama ca te voi pierde din nou. Uneori ma uitam la tine si nu iti mai vedeam fața, dar stiam ca in visul meu esti tu si speram sa nu ma mai trezesc. Apoi m-am uitat din nou pe fereastra si erai si acolo, dar trista si suferinda. Am inceput sa tip la tine si tu nu ma auzeai, ma intrebam daca ma vezi cat sufar. M-am ridicat brusc din pat, cu ochii inlacrimati si fara suflu si am simtit mai tare ca niciodata ca nu te mai am. Imi e dor de tine, mama... Mi-a fost foarte greu fara tine, relatia cu tata nu a fost prea buna, m-am chinuit si acum ma tot chinui. As vrea sa am certitudinea ca ne vom reintalni. Te iubesc si sper sa ne vedem!

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