dear diary @idolroom - Tumblr Blog

Everything will be okay.

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kosmogrl

I want to be 19 again I would do everything right this time

#future me how did it go

I'm not properly feeling my emotions haha

#I need to fix that #less thinking more feeling #no need to be reasonable and rational it's okay to be childish when no one's looking

I have the capacity to be Very Sad Openly

#but I won't because only one person here loves me enough to deal with it #which is exactly why I am sad :(

I do what I like because it's all that I have left >:3

#nothing else matters because I'm doing what I like #it sounds bad on the surface but when the alternative is Not doing that #which is what I'd prioritized my whole life before now #it never resulted in anything worthwhile (to me)#これからは欲張りなアイドルになる!!!

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I wanna be sjust like youuuuaaaaaaa

#one second lemme project this onto my oc

I WANNAAAA BE AN IDOLLLLL

#I WANT EVERYONE TO SEE ME I WANT EVERYONE TO LOVE ME #pouting

that being said there is nothing wrong with being/feeling insecure!!!

#the LAST thing one must do is police their own emotions that neverrr ends well #feel your feelings privately mirei it's all be okay

thank you for letting me see what I look like from the outside!!!

#HAHAHAHA OH MY GOD #thank god I always keep to myself I let no one see when I'm insecure #it really is a turn off 😭#but that does really suck #the fact that expressing how you want to be closer to people is one of the most effective ways to push them away #loving yourself a lot will save you #less complaining more doing chop chop

I'm still cute

#glad to see I still got it HAHA

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haiiii

#hehehe im back ^^#i have thoughts in my brain I need to share so here I am #we're in a new era >:3

Update I love myself

#uhhhh #so!!!#a lot has happened and a lot has changed…#all for the better tho!! which is amazing ;v;#but also in ways i never ever anticipated #i should go back to logging it here hehe #mirei i love you so much I am so so proud of you #thank you for making it this far #your girl has got this from here :)

My identity (as in, the way that I view myself and my personality) has fully changed now. I don't associate myself with the pink girl in my profile picture (not this blog) anymore. The problem is that I still want other people to see me that way though. But that would mean faking my personality and putting in more energy than is natural for me. But I don't like being fake. But I also don't like being chill and nonchalant. Decisions decisions...

#I never anticipated I would one day stop feeling like a bubbly person #but I guess that's to show that nothing is truly permanent

I feel lovely right now

#conversational energy only heard about in legends #not feeling personally about dry responses #Still feeling happy still wanting to yap hehe #strangely I want to think it's cuz of the Other Things I'm enduring right now #I want to say that it's my brain rebounding from it but really I genuinely don't know #Anyways noting this down cuz this is the first time I've felt this way since a very very long time ^^

まだ一人だwww

#また諦める #私はあまりにもわがままになってしまった #もうやめる!! ごめん

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There's nothing more to say here it seems <3

#sad thoughts and anxieties have been much rarer and lighter and when they do happen they're not anything new #just things that I've probably already written about here before showing up again #which makes me not feel the need to write it down #which I see as a good thing :) this blog has served it's purpose #I know myself better and I'm coping better with myself and that's all I really want #a small evil part of me wants something different and devastating to happen to me so that I could use the experience to learn even more and #get even better #but until that happens (which honestly I hope never does) I think my use of this blog will get even more infrequent #but who knows <3 whenever I make predictions like that the opposite happens to I'm not gonna jinx it LOL #past mirei I love you you've done so well in my opinion #and future mirei I love you too thank you for making it out for us #see you tomorrow!!/ref

Depression is officially the worst sickness to me

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dear diary