Matt knew he was being irrational. That knowledge did absolutely nothing to help.
The moment he saw the operating room doors, panic surged through him with a force that stole his breath.
"I can’t do this," he said. The nurses exchanged a glance, their eyes wide over their blue masks.
"Matt—," Nurse Jenna started.
"No," he interrupted firmly. His heart pounded. The hallway suddenly felt too bright, too loud, too real. "I'm not doing this."
The bed rolled forward. His panic spiked.
Without fully thinking, he swung his legs toward the side of the bed. Both nurses reacted immediately. The gurney stopped moving and gloves colored somewhere between purple and blue reaching towards him.
"Matt," Nurse Jenna said firmly.
"I'm leaving," he replied, determined.
"No, you're not," Nurse Melissa said, blocking him.
He tried to sit up. Jenna was already there, both hands on his shoulders pulling him back.
"Matt, stop," she demanded, exasperated.
"I can't do this," he said, voice cracking. He tried to get up again. The movement was clumsy, driven more by fear than actual intent, but it was enough.
The nurses became much firmer.
"I’m not doing this anymore," Melissa declared. She pulled a medium-sized, clear syringe out of her pocket, popped the cap off, twisted it into his IV port, and pushed the plunger.
“What are you doing?”he asked desperately as coolness flooded his veins. “What’s that?”
“Versed,” she said. “This will make you relax since you’re incapable of doing it yourself.”
He stared at her, shocked by her bluntness and frozen by fear.
“You can’t do that,” he whined as she drained the syringe and untwisted it.
"Look at me," Melissa said firmly.
"No," he said. He tried to say it firmly, but it came out whiny.
"Matt,” Melissa started. “Your appendix is about to burst. We need you to listen to us so we can help you.”
“I don’t care,” Melissa responded. She looked over at Jenna and said “We need to get him to the OR now.”
He started to sit up again. His vision blurred this time.
“Woah,” he said, surprised. “What was that?”
Gloved hands guided him back against the mattress. Not rough. Not angry. But firm and decisive.
"The medicine is starting to work," Jenna explained. "We're done trying to sit up."
"I disagree," he said, trying to sound strong but actually sounding childish.
"We know," Melissa said indifferently, retaking her position behind his head to push the bed.
"I mean it,” he said childishly again.
"We know that too," Melissa said, keeping her hands on his shoulders as she started pushing.
Ethan tried to sit up again. The panic wasn't logical anymore. His brain was screaming get out.
"Ethan, stop fighting us," Jenna said.
"I don't want this," he said desperately, tears cascading down his cheeks.
"I know,” Jenna said. “But you need it.”
"No," Jenna said. The answer came immediately. Firm. Certain. Clinical. “We're not letting your appendix burst. It could kill you."
The resistance lasted only a few more seconds as the versed kicked in.
“Woahhh,” he said with less tension in his voice, but still a defiant look in his eyes.
“Looks like the versed is working,” Melissa observed, shooting a look at Jenna. “Let’s go, quickly.”
They pushed him down the hallway. He watched the square ceiling tiles roll by. They stopped briefly so Jenna could scan her ID card, then continued through the OR doors and stopped next to the operating table.
“Okay, Matt,” Melissa said. “Scooch over for us, please.”
“Nooo,” he replied. “I won’t wanna.” Melissa huffed and looked around the room.
“Ladies, can you help us transfer him, please?” Melissa asked the three other women in the room. “He’s very resistant, but the versed has calmed him down a bit.”
“Sure thing,” one said as they all walked over. One joined Jenna on his left, the other two went on the other side of the table and reached over to grab the blanket he was lying on, and Melissa held his head.
“Okay, ladies, on three,” Melissa declared. “One… Two… Three!”
At that moment, Jenna and the new nurse on his left started pushing him. The two other nurses yanked the blanket, and him with it, onto the operating table. Melissa moved with him, keeping his head steady with her hands holding the sides of his head.
“Good work, ladies,” Melissa said as he settled onto the table. “Can we do straps real quick?” she asked as the bed got pushed away.
“Good thinking,” Jenna said, raising an arm rest from beneath the table and placing his left arm on it. That was quickly followed by a Velcro strap tightening around his wrist.
Soon after, he felt straps secure his right wrist and both ankles. Jenna handed a wide strap across the table to another nurse, which tightened around his waist.
The realization hit him hard. There was no escaping this. His breathing became rapid.
"Oh no,” was all he could say. The fight drained out of him all at once. "Oh no no no no..."
His eyes darted around the room. The restraints weren't painful, but they made him feel trapped. The panic rose higher.
“Matt,” Jenna said as she stepped closer and enveloped his left hand with both of hers. Her voice lowered, "You are okay."
"No, I'm not,” he whined. His eyes were full of tears.
"Yes, you are,” Jenna reassured.
"I'm freaking out," he said, the dam breaking as tears flowed down the sides of his face.
"Yes, you are,” Jenna replied. The answer surprised him. No argument, no denial. Just acknowledgment.
Melissa appeared with a silver tray of syringes. She put it down on the cart behind him, turned around, and placed her hands on the side of his head. She rhythmically stroked his cheeks with her thumbs. The simple contact caught him off guard.
"You aren’t alone…" Melissa started, but then stopped, so the words would sink in.
Ethan swallowed hard. His hands trembled as his eyes overflowed with tears.
“I’m the boss here,” she continued. “I’m in charge of your wellbeing. Nothing happens in this room without my say so.”
He wanted to respond, but a quivering lip and a stream of tears was all he was capable of at the moment.
“Ally, Sarah, please come over here,” Melissa said, as if to prove her point. “Ally, please bring the IV fluids and pulse oximeter, Sarah please bring the heart monitor stickers and tissues.”
He heard the sounds of gloves being pulled out of a box and put on with a snap. Footsteps quickly approached.
“Matt, Ally is going to hook up your IV fluids and a pulse oximeter,” Melissa explained. “Then, Sarah is going to put a stickers on your chest and wipe your face.”
He saw movement to his left and turned his head. Melissa moved her hand so he could see, and gently started running her fingers through his hair. A large, clear bag of liquid was hung on a pole by a blonde nurse with purple-gloved hands, there was a long, winding, clear tube coming out of the bottom. She unfurled it and approached the IV in his left hand.
“Hi, Matt. I’m Ally, I’m going to hook up your fluids here,” she stated. “You won’t feel anything, it just twists onto the IV. Once I start the drip, the liquid might feel a little cool in your vein.”
She gently twisted it on, and then began the drip. He watched as the clear liquid travelled down the tube, little bubbles disappearing at each connection, and then entered his vein. It was cool, it felt good.
“You’re all set,” Ally said. “Next, I’m going to put this pulse oximeter on your pointer finger. It’s very soft and comfortable.”
She took his left hand in her purple-gloved left hand and slid the pulse oximeter on with her right thumb and pointer finger. It was soft, he didn’t mind it at all.
“That’s it,” she said cheerily. “Go ahead, Sarah.” As he turned his head to the right, he locked eyes with Melissa.
“You like it when I play with your hair, don’t you?” she said, more statement than question. “You seem more relaxed and you’re breathing easier.”
“Yeah, I like it,” he said begrudgingly. He continued turning to look at Sarah as Melissa repositioned her hands to hold the left side of his face and play with his hair with her right.
“Hi Mike, I’m Sarah,” a dark-haired nurse with piercing dark eyes said. “These stickers help us monitor your vital signs. First I’m going to put the stickers on your chest. They might be a little cold, I apologize in advance if they are.”
He didn’t reply. She peeled the first circular pad off the sheet. Then she leaned in close, lifted the collar of his gown with her blue-gloved left hand, and placed the sticker on the left side of his chest with her right. Then she peeled the second sticker, leaned in close, lifted the collar again, and placed this on in the middle of his chest. Then she peeled the third sticker, leaned in close, lifted the collar, and placed the final sticker on the upper right side of his chest. They felt a little cool, but he liked it.
“Okay, Matt,” she said. “That’s all the stickers. I’m just going to attach the wires now, then you’ll be all hooked up.”
She leaned in close, lifted the collar once again, and used her right hand to put the wire near the sticker. He could hear the magnetic snap of it clicking into place. She then repeated the process for the other two stickers. She then double checked all of them, giving them a gentle pat to make sure the stickers were on and the wire was secure. The machine behind him started beeping.
“You’re all set, buddy,” she said. “Now let’s clean you up, hold still, please.”
She approached his face with a tissue, first cleaning the left side, making sure to get every tear that ran down the side. Her blue-gloved hand settled above his forehead.
“Now look neutral for me, please,” she directed. He did, and Melissa helped maneuver him while still gently brushing his hair. A slow, absentminded motion. The sensation was unexpectedly grounding as Sarah gently cleaned the right side of his face.
“Good as new,” Sarah said as she pulled away.
“Thank you,” he said. He still didn’t want to be there, but they were taking good care of him.
“You’re welcome,” she said as she walked away.
His eyes closed for a moment. When he opened them again, Melissa was still there.
Still running her fingers lightly through his hair. Still completely unbothered by the fact that he'd tried to escape ten minutes earlier.
“Hey guys,” Ally said as she returned. “Doc is almost ready, she wants to know how long until we begin?”
“Less than 5 minutes,” Melissa responded. “Tell her we’re starting preoxygenation now.” She reached back and picked up a clear mask attached to a long, corrugated tube.
"I’m sorry," he whispered, tearing up again.
"Nope," Melissa said indifferently.
"Huh?" he said, confused.
"We're not doing the apology thing,” Melissa stated. “It’s not necessary.”
"I was difficult…" he started but promptly got cut off.
"You were scared," Melissa interjected.
"Not even close," Melissa replied, holding up the mask. “Take some deep breaths for me, this is just oxygen.”
The clear mask with the blue rim descended and landed on his face, held on securely with her gloved hands. It was soft, but she applied pressure to create a tight seal. It smelled plasticky.
All he could see was the operating room lights in the blurred through the mask and framed by her tightly-gloved fingers. He tensed up. Jenna sensed this and started massaging the back of his hand with her thumb.
“What color are your gloves?” he asked.
“Pardon?” Melissa asked, shooting a quizzical look at Jenna before looking down at him.
“Ally, are you here?” he asked.
“Yes,” she replied softly as footsteps approached.
“Can I see your hand?” he asked.
“Uh… yeah I guess,” she said hesitantly, holding her hand out above his eyes so he could see them.
“Ally’s gloves are purple,” he explained. “Sarah, can I see your hand?”
“Um… sure,” she said, holding her hand out next to Ally’s, but from the other side.
“Sarah’s gloves are blue,” he explained, looking up at Melissa. “Yours and Jenna’s gloves are in between those colors, what’s that called?”
“I just always called them purple,” she said indifferently.
“Can I put arm down?” Ally asked as Sarah nodded along.
“Yes, thank you, ladies,” he said. “They’re not purple, what’s the color called that’s a mix of blue and purple?”
“I don’t know,” she said, shaking her head. His breathing gradually slowed as the conversation faded.
"You’re doing great," Melissa said. “Keep it up.”
"I really hate this," he lamented.
"We know," she replied, not quite agitated but getting there.
She brought her hand back to gently coming through his hair again. Slow. Predictable. Steady. The kind of motion that gave his mind something simple to focus on besides fear.
None of the nurses seemed in any hurry. None acted annoyed. None looked frustrated. Just patient. Confident. Certain. As though his fear was something they had seen a hundred times before. Because they probably had.
“Cobalt?” Jenna asked suddenly.
“Maybe,” he said turning to look at her. Melissa and the mask moved with him. “I feel like there’s a better word.”
“Cornflower blue, maybe?” she asked? “Like Barney’s tie in How I Met Your Mother?”
“Haha,” he laughed, remembering that moment. “That was a funny scene. That’s closer, but there’s another word I’m trying to remember but can’t.”
“Please look neutral, Matt,” Melissa instructed, gently beginning to turn his head back to center so he was looking straight up. “Chin up, nice big breaths,” she added while gently tapping her middle finger under his chin to urge him to comply. He begrudgingly did.
A few moments of silence followed. He continued breathing deeply.
“Can they make masks that smell better?” he asked, inhaling plasticky air for what felt like the millionth time.
“No, they can’t,” she asked. “But, being tired of the smell means it’s time to make you tired.”
Ethan’s eyes widened immediately. He knew what that meant. His pulse jumped again.
"A smaller no this time," Jenna observed as she squeezed his hand reassuringly.
"It was still a no," he said.
"Sure was,” she acknowledged. Sarah saw how tense he was. She held his right hand with hers, and gently tapped his bicep with her left.
“Everything is okay, Matt,” Sarah said, rhythmically tapping his bicep.
“Ally, could you please start the meds?” Melissa asked as she turned with her right hand and twisted a knob on the machine.
“Sure thing,” Ally responded as she picked up a medium syringe off the tray. “You won’t feel anything, Matt,” she said as she popped the cap off, twisted it into the port, and pushed the plunger.
His grip tightened around Jenna’s hand. She let him.
"We’ve got you, man," Jenna said. “Keep breathing deeply.” Ally removed the now-empty syringe, put it back on the tray, and grabbed another one.
“How many-“ he started to ask, but got cut off.
“Just focus on breathing,” Melissa said firmly. There was a hint of sweetness in the air now.
“Ohhhh,” he said as the smell got stronger. “What’s that?”
“Nitrous,” she replied. “I will keep you calm and relaxed.”
“How can I be relaxed when I’m being forced into a surgery I don’t want?” he asked.
“Versed, nitrous, nurses holding your hands, and me playing with your hair,” she rattled off. It did sound fun as she said. “Just breathe, you’re in good hands.”
The nitrous took effect quickly. Within a few breaths he as grinning and started to giggle.
He saw Ally put the second clear syringe back on the tray. She then picked up an enormous one filled with a thick, white, milky substance. This syringe was huge. His brain was screaming on a loop NONONONONONO!
“Matt, you’re going to start to feel sleepy soon,” Melissa said as Ally connected it to the port. “For this one, it’s common to feel warmth in your vein and a metallic taste in your mouth.”
He continued screaming internally. NONONONONONONONO! I don’t want this! Let me go!
“Okay,” was all he could say outwardly, resigned to his fate by nitrous, versed, and nurses calming him down. Ally pushed the plunger and the medication began flowing. Warmth invaded his arm.
"Oh, yeah I feel it." Ethan's eyes widened as the stinging travelled up his arm. "I don't like it."
“Most don’t," Melissa said as she continued playing gently with his hair. “You’ll be asleep soon, start counting back from 10 if you want to.”
Jenna continued holding his hand and stroking it with her thumb.
Sarah’s left hand rhythmically tapped his bicep while her right hand kept holding his.
The soothing touches kept him grounded as the medication began its work.
He started to feel lighter, as if he was floating.
The metallic taste intensified. He did not like it.
Ally put the now-empty syringe back on the tray. She picked up another one, same size, same thick, white liquid. She attached it to the port and pushed the plunger. NONONONONO.
His thoughts became slower. Softer. The edges of his fear started to blur.
"You’re doing great, Matt," Jenna’s reassured. Her voice seemed farther away now.
“Hehe, periwinkle,” he said ominously.
The nurses all looked at each other they had no clue what he was talking about.
“What was that, Matt?” Melissa asked.
“You and Jenna’s gloves,” he explained. “Peri- whoa. Periwinkle.”
“Oh,” Melissa said. “That’s fun to say.”
“I can’t believe I thought of it all drugged up,” he said matter-of-factly.
“Me neither,” Melissa said. “I’m surprised you’re still awake. Let go, enjoy a nice nap.”
“Pick a nice dream, buddy,” Sarah added.
The room lost some of its sharpness. Melissa tightened her grip on the mask and tilted his head back further.
Jenna gave his hand one last reassuring squeeze.
“See you soon,” Ally said.
Ethan tried to answer. The words wouldn't cooperate.
For the first time since arriving at the hospital, he stopped fighting. The fear was still there. But it no longer felt like something he had to face alone.
“You’re in good hands, Matt,” Melissa said. “We’ve got you.”
His eyelids fluttered. The anesthesia won as his eyes rolled back into his skull and his eyes drifted closed.
The last thing he felt was Melissa’s hand moving gently through his hair and Jenna and Sarah’s hand wrapped securely around his own. Then everything faded into darkness. There was silence in the OR for a moment.
“We’re wearing periwinkle gloves,” Melissa said to Jenna with a smirk and a giggled.
“Haha, they totally work on us,” Jenna laughed. “What a weird guy.”
“Yeah, but at least we don’t have to deal with it for a while,” Melissa said. “Undo his gown, let’s get him prepped.”
