euphoria

@idaein backstage blues. 

kiwon is a study in lethargy, because waiting around for the encore stage when member schedules had required them to film nearly first means hours upon hours spent hunched in the waiting room over his phone. at fansigns he says he spends his time backstage reading, or doing yoga, or something equally life-affirming, but the god’s honest truth is that more often than not he’s just mindlessly scrolling clickbait articles and adding things to virtual shopping carts. sometimes he takes pictures, or stupid videos. plays with camera settings or filters or lenses or angles. but mostly, it’s things like buzzfeed. 

because while gun might have to go off for some interview or daein for some acting shoot, jinsung for whatever of the thousand opportunities call out to his multi-talented soul, kiwon just....doesn’t do much. fans talk about it. how he’s not really, you know, doing anything. how he seems to be wasted. that’s the narrative right now. that kjh doesn’t know what to do with him, that they’re wasting talent. but kiwon knows the truth. 

and the truth is he works best in a group. he’s not meant to stand alone. in any other group he’d be a lead vocal/lead dance, at best. he’s only got the vocal role because the songs don’t require that much of them, and what they do require matches the tone of his voice impeccably, these days, because gun or someone is writing it specifically with him in mind. maybe that’s the upside of a heavily invested producer. its another reason to hate gun though, for making himself so unhateable. the little urchin. 

@ruwonid at a fancy noraebang.

ruwon understands it. ruwon understands him, maybe. kiwon is not what people expect him to be. despite his stature, despite his build, despite candy floss hair and an endless smile, despite a propensity to giggle and grin, despite a soaring falsetto, he is not under any circumstances half the flighty creature he seems to be. it is easy to write him off as someone frivolous or vapid, to label him a whore or an attention seeking child, to deem him immature or ignorant.

but he isn’t.

kiwon wants to be loved. kiwon wants to be adored. kiwon wants to be touched and cherished and more than anything else he wants to be necessary. in many ways he attempts to do this by crafting himself into the perfect chameleon. if they want wanton and pliable, he’s happy to deliver. if they desire a cheeky drinking companion, he’s there. if they want an endlessly listening ear, that’s fine too.

he’s not sure what ruwon wants, but he knows what he needs.

he knows this summarily,  because it’s exactly the same thing that kiwon needs. he’d known this the moment he watched him, at a party, the first time he’d seen him interacting in a more personal sphere, one that didn’t require the masks of idol life. what he saw was a boy still fully masked, grandstanding and showboating, putting on a performance for the amusement of others. the act was so incredible, so effortless, so well practiced, in fact, that someone who wasn’t kiwon would never have been able to guess it was at play. to the outside observer ruwon seemed genuinely happy go lucky, a surface level treat, a display in the comedic relief all friendships need.

@idjowi at a club a little after returning from chile.

when kiwon first met jowi, it was with gunwoo by her side. they'd hit it off well enough, and despite himself he maybe felt a little jealous, though he couldn't put his finger on who of at the time. if asked now, however, he'd say of gunwoo because hell if he'd be considered jealous of jowi being with a traitor. and because when kiwon met her the second time, it was when she'd messaged him to check up on what the hell was going on with gun. at his insistence, because he was both concerned and nosey, they proceeded to go out and share their grievances over the jackass and, well. a few drinks and two pairs of wandering hands later, it became something of a routine out of need, no gunwoo mess required. 

except for tonight, if jowi’s messages cursing his group member and asking kiwon to come hang out at the bar with her were anything to go by.

{ sms → jojowi } i’ll be there soon { sms → jojowi } don’t start without me { sms → jojowi } or you're buying my first round !!

he sends his reply within seconds, desperate to dig himself out of the self-deprecating hole he's gotten into after hours of trying to perfect a single high note he keeps botching lately. after all, it's easier to forget how right everyone's comments are when drunk and listening to someone else's problems. he shakes the thought on his way back to the dorm, dressing himself in dark clothing (uselessly so, due to the peeping pink of his hair) before slipping out and heading to the bar.

it's a familiar place by now, as there are only so many bars idols can trust, so it doesn't take him long to navigate his way through people and to a booth near the back corner. she's hard to miss, and a smile, though small due to the circumstances bringing her here, blooms on his lips the moment his eyes find her. “jowi noona,” he drawls out by way of greeting, leans heavy on his busan satoori because he knows she loves it on him. 

@idgun at su casa

as fingers run back through peach pink hair, kiwon can’t help but spend a moment admiring himself in the mirror. perhaps, however, admiring is not a fully accurate description of his actions. perhaps more apt would be “examining” as it makes some reference to the hawklike precision of his eyes as they canvas his own appearance, picking apart each and every detail therein. pores, too big. eyelids, too swollen. cheeks, slightly pink. there’s a lingering spot beside his hairline. his scalp is too dry, likely from the aggressive bleaching. if he twists just so, he almost has a double chin, he’s sure of it. people tell him not to get so fussed about these things. that half of it can be covered with makeup and that the rest is a figment of his imagination, but every time he looks off stage into the telescopic lenses that capture every microsecond of him, each expression and every falter, every pause and every facet, he knows he needs to step out onto the stage that is his life with the most polish possible. atlas is succeeding despite all odds on the backs of the talent of the rap line - as much as he hates to admit it - and there is no room for error. when they’re up in the running against olympus, with a handful of vocal powerhouses and a dark horse main dancer, kiwon has to recognize he’s carrying a lot on his back.

and he loves (loved) the rap line, but it’s not like performance is their strong suit, mostly. not in the way that it is his. not in the way that olympus or indigo have been trained into dance since they entered. kjh spent years on them wasting time with dreams of “real” rapping or whatever. shoehorning in half the vocal line just for the sake of being “proper idols” often felt like an afterthought, especially in the early days. and as it was proven to him he was expendable, kiwon knew he had to be on top of his game, every moment and every second, if he was going to make it through all this with a future, with promise, with a career.