love is madness

[...]

“Shit,” he muttered. That definitely did not keep with the rhyme scheme. 

making friends had never really been jinsung’s strong suit. growing up, things had been difficult for him, and he had spent more time focusing on the battles going on in his own home than he had in talking to his classmates in school. even now as an idol, he can count the number of friends he has on one hand. they are the ones who have stuck with him through thick and thin, through the ups and downs in his life. and out of everyone in the industry, he never thought he would be friends with hojun.

in fact, in the beginning they had clashed more than they had gotten along. and jinsung knows that’s more his fault. while he’s comfortable playing the game, has met a many idol who have worn two faces with practiced ease, has even turned on his own charming personatliy to weasle his way in and out of situations, there was just something about the way that hojun did it that pissed him off. there was something behind the cheesy jokes, the grins, someone staring out at him from behind the mask, someone he thought he could be friends with, could spend time with. but he didn’t want to deal with honey in all of his glory, no, if he was going to spend time with the other it was going to be with hojun, the real hojun.

he knew the industry was cut throat, that ever idol was a victim to their own entertainment company. jinsung had been a victim of kjh’s control, though he was offered more freedoms than most idols were, the fame helping in giving him a bit of wiggle room that he probably wouldn’t be afforded any other time. and while hojun and he had never talked about the pressures that 99 had on the other, he knew that it was probably far from easy if the older male was marketing himself more than the company was doing. it was a thing that he could recognize, could understand, and could respect in the end.

and as time, they would grow closer, to a point where jinsung refers to hojun as one of his best friends in his head. not that he would ever admit it, knowing the other would never let it go. instead he tries to show his affection and admiration for the other in his own way, going out of his way to make time for hojun in an impossibly tight schedule. that’s the main reason why jinsung sneaks out of the dorms, face bare, hair fluffy and mask firmly in place. it’s the reason why he hails a taxi and makes his way to a known seedier part of town, intent on capitalizing on the uncaring patrons and the chance to spend some quality time together without having to worry about interested fans or staring down the face of a camera lense.

[...]

and in near desperation to end the live and get the hell out of there, gun swallows his pride and steps back beside jinsung. he tugs his cap snug onto jinsung’s head and pulls on the lid to face it backwards, a small grin on his face as he does, “alright, any last words you want to say to our world?”

there are certain reactions that jinsung has grown used to and expects out of gun. they’ve been living out of each others pockets for the past six years, you grow to learn someone and all of their habits and mannerisms even if you don’t get along with them. but it still doesn’t mean that it hurts any less when gun throws his arm off of him, obviously displeased at them touching in anyway. and jinsung is quick to ensure that his face doesn’t give any of his hurt away, instead he smiles even bigger.

his tone takes on a teasing whine, turning on the theatrics and pouting at gun and the camera. “but you’re always working so hard, that it feels like you live in the studio rather than the dorm.” that part is true, although they’re in the same group, they avoid each other. and it’s probably for the best when it comes to the rest of the poor members, it seems like anyone caught in the cross fire ends up either a victim or adding fuel to the fire.

jinsung is sure there was a time when it wasn’t like this, when they got along, even for a brief moment. but try as he might, he never remembers when that moment was. instead, he falls in line to gunwoo’s distaste of him, trading barbed words back and forth and treading lightly. but there’s a part of him that’s so fucking tired of all of this. so tired of being at odds with most if not all of his group members, it’s exhausted always being alert and on his toes. he’s tired of acting like an asshole every second. honestly, he’s not stupid, he knows that this job, this career, is the most important thing in his life. and maybe it wasn’t always his dream, maybe he thought it would be an easy money maker into helping him move on to the next phase of his life. but somewhere along the line, he feel in love with music, with performing, with the fans, with the life. and he thought for one second, that maybe this could be his happiness. that maybe the members would end up being like his brothers, a family to fill the gap of where he never had one. but jinsung was naive and stupid to think that anything could ever be like that for him, especially not with someone like gunwoo. even though jinsung admires him, respects him, sees how hard he works and how much he puts everything of him into his music, he’ll never win with gun.

[...]

 “you’re supposed to tell me i was shining, i was stunning, i outperformed everyone in my group, hit every note, that you were so captivated by me you couldn’t even begin to look away.” she rolls her eyes, after a moment, “but you were probably too busy to even watch, right?”

there’s a secret that jinsung would never admit aloud to anyone, not even himself in the safety of his own dorm room. and that secret is that jaein is intoxicating, she draws him into her orbit and makes him forget about the things happening around him. he can’t help but to focus on her, especially when she’s giving him her undivided attention. it happens when they meet eyes, the world slowly falls away from around them. and here, backstage in chile, well that’s not exception.

he forgets about all of the staff working and bustling around them. he only remembers when someone drops something a few feet away and it draws his attention away from her smile for only a moment, a loud and clear sign that there is no such thing as privacy here. and he knows that he’s standing too close to her for it to be seen as anything else than what it is, but he doesn’t care. he knows it’ll probably end up in a barrage of questions and a rather intensive lecture for them both after this.

he can practically hear the words they’ll say now. dating is a distraction, think of your fans, how do you think they’d feel if they thought you were dating? even if it’s only a rumor, it’ll destroy everything. it was a lecture he had gotten a lot in the early days, back when he was still young and thought that everything would work itself out, naively thought that the company would ease up eventually. and when they didn’t, he thought that maybe after atlas got to be more successful, then surely they’ll ease up and he’ll finally be able to relax. but it didn’t happen then either. in fact things only continued to get worse the more fans they seemed to get.

so jinsung had to be resilient and sneaky about everything. he kept everything quiet and simple, knew that there was no point in getting close to anyone. and instead made his expectations abundantly clear from the very beginning, everything is only temporary. and that’s what worked for years now. it’s the same thing he thought when he looked at jaein the first time they met, enamored by her beauty. it’s only temporary, just a little bit of fun. and as he stands there looking at her now, in the middle of the crowded backstage with her practically glittering, he falters for just a second and harshly reminds himself. temporary.

[...]

 “oh my god, atlas’ sol, i’m such a fan,” she simpers, “sunbaenim, it’s so nice to see you,” she twirls a strand of hair around her finger. she giggles. “that’s the rookie i should be now, right? i guess i should fawn over you and beg you to listen to my single? bow ninety degrees like an adoring stranger?’ she teases, toys with one of the buttons on the front of his shirt idly. 

there’s something that can be said for a change of scenery and the wonders it does for someone.

jinsung can’t say that he’s not tired of performing the same songs or of doing the same dances so often that he swears he performs in his sleep. a few days ago, the thought of performing them again made his skin itch, sending a shiver of annoyance up his spine and carrying it around for days. a proverbial black cloud seemed to form over his head, irritation written in the lines of his body and his voice and temper short, leaving him to snap at everyone brave enough to cross his path. he expected it to fade away once they got to the airport. he’s usually a fan of traveling, of flying, of getting a chance to relax for a while without worrying about anyone interrupting him until they’ve reached their destination.

but instead, his dark mood seemed to follow him no matter where he went or what he did. he tried his best to kill it, to focus his attention on the videogame he’d been working on beating for the last month or by sending outdated and obnoxious memes to sohee to piss her off. but neither had worked and at most it had left him feeling even more angry and feeling like he had swallowed a thunderstorm, a hurricane raging just beneath the skin, lightning waiting to strike at any moment.

jinsung’s remembers mood continued to sour somewhere in between the hotel and the venue. chile was beautiful, both the sun and the sights. but it was hot and jinsung was so tired, exhausted after sleepless nights and only fits of sleep here and there. all he was looking forward to was making it through sound check and finding a solid place to sleep in their waiting room for the next few hours. usually he hates the idea of performing last, of spending all of that time waiting for their turn, but for once he’s actually grateful for it. and while the thought of a nap was the only thing fueling his movements earlier, when the time comes for him to lay his head down and to curl up on one of the comfortable looking couches, he finds that sleep evades him. restless and done with tossing and turning, he leaves the waiting room and wanders the backstage area hoping that a few laps will help exhaust him a bit more, giving him a chance for a catnap.

but doesn’t find the promise of sleep tucked away in some forgotten corner of the venue, instead he passes by a few monitors on this way to the wings of the stage, there he sees jaein, sees neon performing for the first time and immediately loses bad mood, exhaustion fading away once he gets a taste of the energy and exhilaration the girls seem to put into their performance. as he stands there, head bobbing along with the infectious beat, he remembers that feeling of unbridled joy at performing for the first time. the joy of really loving the song, of loving the fans reaction, of thinking he could do this forever and never get tired of it. and as quickly as it starts, it’s over and jinsung smiles to himself caught up in the energy of it all.

he thinks that’ll be the last time he’ll catch sight of jaein, aside from a few quick words exchanged in passing. but he crosses path with her much sooner, can’t help but to be drawn in to her orbit, his hand catching the small of her back with practiced ease. he settles next to her, a grin already tugging at the corners of his lips. “i think as a hoobae you should be showing me the proper respect,” it’s easy to forget he was ever in a bad mood to even begin with, when jaein smiles at him like that. instead he falls into their familiar teasing rapport, wanting to ruffle her feathers are bit and keep that smile on her face. “though i think we both know you’d rather die than do that. and instead i, your wonderful sunbae, will instead fawn over you instead.”

[...]

‘yes, lets,” she agrees, takes the outstretched hand and strolls alongside him to the street to find a cab. they slip inside and she fits close to his frame, fingers playing over the line of his forearm, idly tracing veins that stand out beneath his skin, admiring wordlessly the ripple of muscle. “how’s the concert prep going?” she queries, “any really fatal stages for me to look forward too? are you gonna get me tickets?” she glances at him with a sweet smile, one that shifts slow and sure into mischievous.

for as much as jinsung likes to pretend that he’s unreadable, his actions not easy to predict. he knows that’s far from true. for as much as he hides behind perfectly edged masks when under the gaze of cameras and fans. he’s too honest any other time; completely unforgiving with his words, choosing to forgo sugarcoating anything. instead, cutting with his remarks and thoughts, giving no thoughts to the repercussions because honestly he doesn’t care.

jinsung finds there isn’t much that he cares about these days. and while he may not necessarily care about jaein, he does like her. he likes the way she sweeps her fingers through her hair and the way she smiles at him, he probably likes it a lot more than he should. not that he’ll ever tell her though, that would take it all the fun out of it. because jinsung knows those girls, the ones who know how to work the angles of their face and body, those who let their smiles do the hard and dirty work, whose pockets seem overflowing. and he hasn’t figured out if jaein is one of those girls yet, but she reminds him of it. and while things are still new between them, a bit fresh. he’s not ready to lose any battles against her, not ready to give her an inch only for her to take a mile. so he holds her close, but not too close because jaein is anything but stupid, in fact she’s probably one of the most quick witted people he’s ever met. there’s something about her that is intoxicating, draws him in like a moth to the flame and he knows that type of allure is dangerous, nothing good will ever come from it. not from choi jaein, he sees it written in the lines of her body when she’s dancing.

and as she finally takes his outstretched hand, he can’t help but to intertwine their fingers, taking notice of how slender and pretty her hands are compared to his, worn rough and never taken care of properly. in fact, thoughts of her, the color of her hair, the smell of her perfume consume his thoughts even as they slide into the backseat of the taxi cab. he has to turn away from her, away from the feeling of her finger tips playing on his forearm, to force himself to look outside the window at the passing buildings. it helps him to clear his mind, to rebuild his walls and to remind him of the game that keeps building between them. it helps him remember that jaein is just another girl, another person that he’ll eventually lose interest in and move on from. no matter how much he enjoys her smile.

[...]

it’s funny how they’re still stuck having to see each other even after they chose to leave home not too long ago, although not as much as when they were living under the same roof. sohee still despises him after all this time, it’s hard to get rid of such a feeling when it’s already grown too strong. “because if you are, that would only make you a fucking coward.”

the first sight of sohee in a few years doesn’t do much to jinsung. it annoys him, sure. but that’s what he’s used to. that was the first emotion she inspired in him, annoyance, and the thing that stuck with him the most as they were forced to live in that giant house, feeling impossibly cramped and stifling.

when he was younger, he didn’t understand what he had done to inspire so much anger and resentment from sohee, but now that he’s older he understands a bit more, knows how she must have felt learning about his existence. but it doesn’t make him sympathetic at all though, instead he attributes the bullshit he went through for years to her and especially her mother.

and looking at her now, even given time and distance between them, he doesn’t feel any different. and it’s clear to see she doesn’t either.

any feelings of anxiety or calm he had been feeling before are eaten away the moment sohee opens her mouth. her words roll over him and he fights the urge to make a face at the word kiddo refusing to give into how it bothers him, refusing to give sohee that small victory. with barely a year between them, jinsung should be used to having their age difference held above his head, should be used to showing his sister respect by now. but this is their game, one they’ve been playing for as long as jinsung can remember, one they’re both ruthless and stubbornly good at. and jinsung refuses to let sohee win, even a small interaction like this.

so he lets himself just a few seconds to breathe before falling into an effortless and wide grin. anyone on the outside looking in might assume they know each other well, maybe even go as close to assume their friends. and that’s the way jinsung wants it, has practiced for years hiding sharp words that dig deep behind carefully shielded unassuming smiles and impressions. “it’s been a while. i see time isn’t treating you as well as you had hoped it would.”

[...]

good enough, gun figures. he didn’t want to do this stupid live anyway. “they wanted to see you,” he deadpans by way of both greeting him and introducing him to the viewers. 

jinsung had never been very popular, not since moving from a sleepy neighborhood to seoul to live with his father’s family. he’d learned to steel himself from a young age, to hide behind a perfectly curated mask designed to let everything roll off his back, to brush away worries and consequences with ease. his temper didn’t help him in making friends, in fact the only thing that seemed to draw people to him were his looks, enticing strangers like the moth to the open flame. but when they caught a glimpse of his personality, his armor, they were quick to steer clear of him, leaving only a few brave souls who would eventually become his friends to weather the storm.

starting as a kjh trainee, jinsung knew that there was the strong possibility of it being the same. he knew there would be those he clashed with, personalities maybe too strong in the beginning. but jinsung also figured maybe that as time went on, things would work themselves out, especially when atlas and it’s final line up were announced. but it seemed that when it came to jinsung, life never really worked out the way he thought it would.

it’s not that jinsung dislikes gun, in fact it’s the opposite. he really respects him and his love for music but gun is also one of three people that caused a rift in atlas and almost took them all down with them. and call him petty, but he’s still pissed off about that. nevermind, the success that seemingly came with it, jinsung was still angry and rightfully so when other people were playing around with his future. but although jinsung doesn’t mind gun, gun hates him. he hates everything about jinsung, from the act he puts on in front of fans, to the people he hurts without care backstage. or maybe it’s the way that jinsung pushes at gun’s edges, holding his hand over the fire without worry about getting burned.

and maybe what’s ironic about the entire thing, is that the fans love their interactions. they post screen shots, gifs, videos whatever they can find online and jinsung had found himself tagged in a few of them in the beginning, back when he found it hilarious. nowadays, he still finds it funny, now there’s the added bonus of how angry it makes gun. and who is jinsung to deny the fans anything? no, instead he feeds into it, giving the fans exactly what they want whenever he gets the chance.

and while he loves doing that, that doesn’t mean he’s expecting to be interrupted during his own practice. the staff at the company and the other members know better than to interrupt his private time in the studios, have been on the other end of jinsung’s anger lashing out at them just for opening the door and distracting him when frustration is eating him alive. and for as much as rumors spread and impressions are made, he always apologizes later, wholeheartedly meaning it.

[...]

soon enough she’s on the sidewalk beside him, wishing she were in something more alluring than leggings and an impressively oversized hoodie, but confident her legs at least look fantastic in the get up. “i’m not exactly dressed for the club.” she tells him, “but we could hit a bar, something in hongdae maybe?” it’s away from the familiar haunts of cheongdam, apgujeong, the greater gangnam area overrun with wandering eyes. not that jinsung is that safe anywhere. 

jinsung isn’t sure what he would title this thing between them, prefers to avoid any questions or raised eyebrows. those closest to him know he’s texting and spending time with someone, but isn’t it always like that with him? never really divulging who it is, instead keeping the details about his life and his activities private and close to his chest, one of the only useful things he learned from his father.

but there is something between him and jaein, trouble, that’s what he jokingly nicknamed it. she fits him in a lot of ways that he wasn’t sure about at first, gorgeous and a definitely mischievous. he learns quickly that jaein is someone that can go toe to toe him, and maybe that’s what draws him in, makes her even more enticing than she had  in the beginning when they first met. and so he continues their game, continues to seek her out in the downtime even when he should probably end whatever is building between the two of them, continues to remind himself that it’s not permanent, only temporary. until he feels that he has to remind himself that all of this is temporary, a means to an end, a way to make his life a little bit better, easier, a chance to get his mother out from underneath his father’s thumb.

but when the stress of the idol life, of the cameras and flashing lights, of the exhausting dance practices and exhilarating stages that leave him empty after, are not enough to fill the void, jaein is a welcome distraction. and he’s not dumb, he knows that spending time with him benefits her just as much, knows that for most people being caught with him would be that proverbial golden ticket. and while he should care, should feel something, anything about this, he really doesn’t find it to be a problem. because as much as everyone else likes to use him for his name, his image, pretty much anything, jinsung is using them in return, sometimes just in different ways.