Untitled Self

You remind me that I will have bumps in the road and it’s ok to feel sad or to feel hopeless sometimes but I’m not alone.

#look past the exterior

What if they don’t know you exist?

You have ups and you have downs....I barely remember if there has been any in between. When you’re up, anything can be accomplished. You get this sudden burst of energy to do everything you’ve talked yourself out of when you were down. You know it’s bad when you do something and you still feel empty...,,and that’s what happened. I did so many things on Friday...busying myself helped me to forget a little that I’m sad...that I’m lonely...that I’m lost. All the way up until my drive home. Actually even half way through the party I attended, I felt this sudden rush of loneliness. Of doubt. I feel young but I’m not. Who am I kidding? What am I doing? Even the night seemed darker and there were no stars or moon in sight. The next day everything was in black and grey. The only color I could see was XXXXXX but even his color began fading...it hadn’t been as bright as it was before when I needed it to be. The reality of my situation hit like a freight train at full speed. I’m stuck. I have no money. I hate my job. I have no education. I have no friends. It’s hard to love yourself on your own. The journey would be better if you can have support but what if you don’t have it? So what do I do? I just get up, make my coffee, log into work, play nice to awful customers, log out and go to bed. Everyday is control C then control V. I can barely sleep...let alone dream. Dreams seem to be a rarity these days....does my subconscious not know what to do too? Is my subconscious just as lost as I am? Just as broken? Just as lonely...to where it has nothing to say? Nothing to tell me? No direction to give me? I feel like I’m constantly screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody hears me. So here I am emptying my brain of these thoughts that have plagued me all weekend. It’s nice to just let it out...who knows if someone will read this..that is not my intent. This is like my message in a bottle. I thought it. I wrote it. Me trying to let go. Me trying to chip away at that weight on my shoulders that’s so heavy. I’m throwing it out there so someone else that has these thoughts can know that there is someone else in the world that thinks like this too. I don’t have a solution and I’m still searching. You are not alone.