char-mander

I’M DEPRESSED

woo ayye i said it, i’ve never been able to say that, ever. never could

so yes, i am leaving tumblr. but i am leaving you with a few things. just a few things, that i thought i’d tell you guys, because i am never coming back, and in my final words i wanted to do something i have never done, and that is open up about myself

first, i want to start this, with the biggest step i’ll have to take, the biggest risk i’m making, and that is tell you my story

now, i have never ever told my story ever. i’ve never even inferred it, nobody ever saw under my thick skin. but now, i’m just going to rip it right off, raw and exposed for everyone to see.

i was going to post this for my one thousand followers thank you, but that’s not going to happen. so here it is, enjoy <3

once upon a time, there was a girl.

she, like every other little girl her age, had her head filled with dreams and aspirations. all of the dreams that every other little girl would usually give up on.

but she wasn’t like every other little girl. she had a mind, a pretty good brain, and she wanted to achieve her dreams, so she was ready to use it until she did

and with her calculating little mind, she began to wonder how to achieve her dreams, how to be successful.

and her calculating little mind noticed all successful woman were strong and independent.

she wanted to be successful.

so she took that ideal to heart, and since the day she could speak she took to shaping her life as being strong and independent.

and she did.

from a young age she never asked for help, determined to show people what she, a little girl with a ponytail and glasses, could really do on her own. determined to show them that she was strong and independent too.

any challenge she faced, she faced herself. any obstacle that crossed her path, she overcame herself.

everyone adored her independence, awed over how capable she was by herself. adults, peers, siblings. they all saw her as something that was unbreakable, unstoppable, and definitely did not need their help. almost like a machine.

and in her early ages, being an unbreakable machine suited her. worked for her. but then she began to grow up.

she was now a young teenager, at the age where people tended to screw up, to ask for help, despite whatever their childhoods were like.

but still, she refused to ask anyone for help. she couldn't. this independence had spiraled so out of control, sheer principle prevented her from asking anyone for help. the need to be strong and independent got so strong that she couldn’t even show her raw self. couldn’t even vent to people. couldn't rant, couldn't show any emotion other than stark happiness.

because a strong woman didn't hurt, didn't show weakness.

because an independent woman didn't need anyone else, and didn't need help.

and as this strong and independent woman, only got seemingly stronger and even more independent, people stopped caring for her.

she was fine on her own, handling her own life completely by herself with no trouble. why should they invest anytime in perfecting something perfect, when they had their own troubles?

so the occasional offers of a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, stopped.

they stopped caring, and they stopped coming to her.

and she wasn't going to go to them.

but as much as she denied it, she did need help.

she needed help so very much, she just refused to believe it. and she couldn’t believe it.

she had dug this rut for herself, of not asking for help, a pre-paved path that she could do nothing with but travel with a closed mouth and tied hands.

a rut that had gotten so deep that it would take ten men and women to pull her out of.

ten men and women who wouldn't come and she wouldn't ask for.

she was in a cage, an eternal paradox, stuck with her morals and beliefs, and her trapped feelings that she needed to let out.

but she never would.

not until the day she died

so she continued in her life, continued in her mental cage, stuck in her self-destructive ways.

and she encountered a vampire.

a vampire that sucked out the blood of confidence and drained a person of any care they felt for themselves

there was no where she could go, stuck in her pit and all, so all she could do was watch as this blood-sucker robbed her of her confidence.

as the blood-sucker drained her confidence, with it he stole her ability to ask for praise, for attention. he binded her mouth, and she struggled, trying to ask for validation when she needed it. but with her confidence low and her hands tied, her efforts were useless.

the monster robbed her of any worth she still had for herself, any care she had for herself.

the monster slashed scars into her chest, revealing the insecurities that she had kept under folds, the insecurities now becoming real.

he took her confidence, something important in withstanding the strong, independent woman role she was playing.

so she drew, she wrote, she sang, she danced, she did anything and everything in a silent, desparate cry for help to fill her emptying bloodstream with newfound praise.

because, all that she did, she did do well, because still left from her independence as a child, was a voice telling her that if she ever messed up then it would all become useless. because a machine that makes a mistake isn't fixed and forgiven, it is replaced, with a new one, better and more important.

so she worked harder, and harder, and every time she received a compliment meant to boost her confidence, it was never nearly substantial enough in comparison to the effort she put in.

because still, she was seen as strong and independent, and now talented. this girl just keeps getting better and better, why would she need someone to tell her how she was doing? why should we waste our breath on telling her what she already knows.

but she didn't, because her bloodstream still craved approval, and new confidence.

so as she worked, still looking for the validation and attention she wasn't getting, a new monster appeared.

a ghost.

a ghost, that began to taint her very thoughts, to haunt her very mind. a ghost that told her that she was worthless, and no matter what she did she'd never be great, and no one would ever care.

a ghost that told her she was selfish, and conceited for thinking she deserved more than the meager praise and acknowledgement she was receiving.

a ghost that filled her once clear mind with the fog of uncertainty and doubt, making her wonder about her own worth once more.

a ghost that told her that all the pain she was creating for herself was in her head, and she shouldn’t ever bother anyone with her imaginary creatures.

the ghost, that while the vampire drained her confidence, spread a plague to her brain, entrapping her from ever being sure of herself.

so she worked even harder, trying to push the ghost out with her poems and her stories, with her artwork and her songs. tried to free her mind of this poltergeist. but the ghost stayed, and her efforts got weaker.

as she fought, the ghost got stronger, feeding on the insecurities he was creating. the ghost beat her mind down to a bloody pulp, her feeling of worth diminished, and her confidence gone.

she desperately needed someone to help her fight off her demons, and deep, deep, down she knew it. but now her hole was so deep, her cage so dark, she couldn't even see the support she needed nearby, and they couldn’t see her.

no one at all could see the monsters biting at her skin.

because with her still calculating little mind, she noticed people, noticed what they saw and what they didn’t.

she, with her calculating mind, found ways to never ever let anyone know what she was going through, carefully spreading her realistic-looking costume into the spotlight, allowing her real self to be shed into the shadows.

because she noticed that no one ever saw the shadows. no one ever saw the sleight of hand as the magician performed his magic. no one ever guessed what was going on behind.

they may assume, but why assume when they had no reason to doubt.

and she was determined to keep it that way.

because if someone knew about her invisible monsters, if they saw her stripped of her costume, if she pled for help now, if she asked for the attention she didn’t think she deserved, not only would she be crushing her strong, independent woman front, but also placing her burden on to someone else's shoulders.

and with her do-gooder ideals, she couldn't bring herself to do that.

because as she fought her battles, she saw the battles others were fighting too. she saw the monsters they were attempting to push off, and she saw what burdens they already had themselves.

she was ready to shoulder other people's burdens.

cause what they were going through had to much more difficult than what she what she was going through.

because of course, ghosts and vampires weren’t real

she was ready to care for someone with real problems

but she still couldn't bear to let anyone shoulder hers.

cause what may have been seen as lessening hers,

she saw as doubling someone else's,

and she couldn't do that.

so she trudged on, now a ghost in her head and a vampire at her neck.

but she continued, determined to keep up her strong, independent woman mask.

despite the feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, bubbling right beneath the surface, she continued, determined to not appear weak.

then she reached another monster, a siren. a maritime creature who pretended to care, to lure in it's victims with her words, only to slam their ship against a rock. the siren entered snaked her way into her heart, and began to sing.

she showed her affection and showed her warmth, affection from a plastic heart and warmth from an open flame ready to burn it's victims. but warmth and affection was something she had never felt before, therefore didn’t know what real warmth and real affection was. she embraced the siren with open arms, embraced this fake love, and the siren immediately wrapped her slender arms around her chest and squeezed, in a just too tight embrace.

she tried to feel this love, to feel cared for, but couldn't because this wasn't care. this was a trap to get the siren what she wanted. but of course how was the girl to know, she who had never known real care, not for her.

she allowed her to squeeze, the pressure in her chest getting tighter with every spoken word, as she enveloped what was supposed to be care, but was taking the air from her lungs, emptying her of anything she had left.

not until the creature let go did she realize what she had really taken, how empty she had left her.

how she had robbed her of the last thing she had, trust for others.

because throughout her life there was an eternal battle, debating between whether or not she should shout to others for help, or should she wait for people who wouldn't come to her.

but throughout her life, she retained the faith that if she went to others they would still care for her, even if it still hurt them. that eventually someone would come for her, and show her care she didn't have the voice to ask for.

but if this was care, this pressing weight on her chest, this empty feeling in her heart, then why would she want it. why did she so crave the touch of people that would only whip out their daggers and stab her in the heart. why did she want someone who would hug her only to squeeze the oxygen from her lungs.

what was the point.

the cage around her heart had padlocked itself, thinking it was now keeping herself safe from others, and not just others safe from herself.

she didn't want to be broken by more people who would pretend to care only to throw her away.

but she was already broken. she was empty, feeling worthless, feeling unappreciated, feeling untalented and unwanted, untrusting, with no hope for herself to be healed.

where there should have been love and happiness and light,

there was doubt and pain and darkness.

yet still, no one knew. no one cared.

on the outside she was still the picture perfect girl, a role-model. perhaps now quieter than she used to be, but that was only because she was growing up, maturing. no need to look any deeper, the perfect girl is still absolutely perfect, no need to worry.

she was alone, in her cage, her beating heart beating slower every day, digging her way down the path to her own grave, marked with a headstone titled "charlotte ross"

and after that part, came a beautiful bit about an angel, that came and saved her from her pit. and that angel, was supposed to be you guys

but, i’m not going to lie. i haven’t healed. i’m still horribly not okay, and i’m not going to continue to delude people that i am. at least not on here. 

here, i’m going to be open, and tell my story, no sugar-coat, completely 100% honest.

i am still not ok, and i am still not fine. no i will not get help, this is not something that i can get help for.

this is something, i have to shoulder on my own. and the only real help anyone could ever give me, will be to show me love, and care, and support, and you guys have done that in buckets more than anyone else has.

because, well this is something that is a personality issue, a problem in my system that is chronic, and there is no real cure for.

i will be fine, i know that, because i have made it this far and i promised that i will not break

and when i make a promise, i don’t break it. 

yes, i suppose i am getting better. my issue was always confidence, and though tumblr (and you guys) didn’t completely seal the wound, you did smack on a band-aid for me (supporting my writing), which is honestly 100x more than anyone has ever done for me ever. 

so thanks

ALRIGHT next, uh i wanted to, specifically talk about my anxiety

because as much as i say i'm still not sure if i have uh, depression, exactly, i will fully admit that yes i do have anxiety, and a pretty crippling case of it.

my anxiety, imagine it as fuzzy glasses over your eyes, at all times 24/7, they’re glued to your head.

and, constantly you are always questioning every single possible fucking thing you do, or think, or say, at all. you can’t tell if you are good at sports, or have the potential to be, you can’t tell if you are a good artist, or a good writer, or anything at all.

because as well as i can read people

i cannot tell in anyway what people think about me

and this, inability, to really know anything concrete about yourself, well it’s hard.

because you can’t showcase the things you’re good at

because you don’t know what you’re good at

you can’t attempt to improve on the things you’re bad at

because you don’t know what you’re bad at.

and i know this sounds,

probably really petty

but

it’s, it’s more than that

when you don’t know, anything about yourself, you are constantly flipping between this mindset of “i’m amazing and good at everything” and “i suck at literally everything why do i bother”

and this is, so, very damaging

because one moment, you are doing fine, feeling fine, your good at everything, yes cool.

but then the moment passes, and you are practically hurting yourself to try and improve everything you do because you are in the mindset that you are bad at everything, yet, oh, one second ago i was good, what happened. well i can’t let everyone down, tell them i’m not good at those things, i have to work harder, get back to being good at this

then, you’re back to being good at things. but now you don’t know, now you’re unsure. am i actually good at things? yeah yeah, totally. well, i mean, no, no i am good at things i am. but like let’s consider this, nO i am good things, stop, stop being in my head.

and then you think, oh how about, i ask someone. ask if i am good at these things

“no no, you can’t do that, you’re way too good at things, they’re going to think you are bragging”

oh. so i am good at things then?

“no, who in the world said that? you are terrible at things, and if you ask someone they are going to look you as if you are crazy, ‘like are you kidding me charlotte you suck’ then when they realize your not joking they immediately go to ‘oh damn, this poor girl, lmao she can’t even tell when she’s bad at things, what a conceited idiot. well, now time to dance around her and sugarcoat the truth, cause i’m too nice and she definitely can’t take the truth’”

then my mind begins to think, well, they never complimented you on this thing, obviously you aren’t good at things, you’re right, i’m not good at things.

“hey don’t think that, they could simply not have complimented you because you are good at things, and they think you know that, therefore no need to waste their breath”

oh. sooo, i am good at things? good, that’s good to kno-

“whoa hey, slow down there girly. that situation is highly unlikely, and chances are you just suck at everything you do, so they aren’t about to straight lie to your face to make you feel better, and any compliment anyone has ever given you is probably a lie to make you feel better. but now, they’re done with the charade, with pretending, and you should just accept that. YOU SUCK.”

and forever, i’m always thinking hey if i want to get better i have to think well of myself, i can’t be so insecure.

oh but of course, gotta be realistic, i literally suck.

but no, no, i have to think i’m good.

but why keep lying to myself when i'm pretty sure i suck

and this goes back and forth, forever. no stopping, never knowing if you are actually good at things, never being able to ask, not being able to feel any praise because eveyrthing, everything, feels as if that they’re lying, or don’t mean it, or are saying it half-heartedly because in their mind they’re thinking ‘oh my god charlotte you are good at those things stop bragging about it jeez, you are so conceited’

and, well, not being able to accept praise, ask for criticism, it takes a toll on a person. it’s just,

so hard, not feeling any recognition or validation, or anything, anything at all.

and even as this battle is going on in your head, you are doing everything the best you can, and the things you care about you are tryring so so hard and desparately to improve on, so maybe someone wil give you a little bit of real insight on the things you do, but probably not because you are doing it so far in the background to make sure it doesn’t seem as if you are bragging.

and everything, just going back and forth in your head, pounding on your chest, squeezing your heart, it is so much pressure to take, and

sometimes i wish i can break. tell someone

so i guess, that’s what i’m trying to do now.

so, next, my story you read, i wrote to be tragically beautiful, to be interesting, to be nice to read. but, really my story just isn’t beautiful

the truth is, as tragically beautiful as i might have made it sound in my story, my nights aren’t like that.

my well, problems, aren’t tragically beautiful, they’re ugly, and hard to look at, and to hear. they’re messy, and tears, and a head that wants to scream and a mouth that can’t make a sound. they’re me, caught in my own head, wanting to draw some attention to myself, let somebody know, but just, can’t

you want the real truth? well, then my breakdowns go a little something like this

there's that moment

where fourteen hundred fucking emotions just ram into you

all at once with the force of a fucking pitbull

and just

everything, i just,

i pride myself on having good stories

good ideas

it's all bullshit

i have no ideas

i can manipulate words in a way that make people care

i can shape words the way i want them to feel

that's what i can do

and that

that's not hard

i have a way with words but that's nothing

nothing

when you can't tell a satisfactory story

and you can tell everybody is slipping away

as you slip yourself

maybe you won't even make it to the day to tell your story

maybe you'll slip so far there's no way to scramble your way back up

they'll never really care

never

not until

no

they'll never care

they'll care

when you aren't a fucking antisocial

scared

selfish

conceited

attention seeking

fucking perfect little asshole

i just

i sometimes wish

i wish i wasn't me

i wouldn't have to deal with all this

i can't

i can't deal with all this

i need help

that i can't get

without help

that i can't get

i'm so broken

why would anyone take the time to fix

something that's already been shattered into a million pieces

with no chance of being fixed

and even after the million grueling hours of repair no one but an idiot would invest in it

it'd still never be half as beautiful as it used to be

and it'd probably be better off broken and left alone

and tell me

why me

why do you need me

my writing, go to meg, she's tons better than me anyway

my art, go to literally any person with eyes and a tracer. they'd make better art than me

my humor, keeley, she has the same sense of humor, she has you covered

my heart, aubrey. she is millions times kinder than me, anyway. you don't need me

my life, well. it's one of six billion isn't it

i'm sure you wouldn't miss it

i can't i can't i can't

not any longer

it just

it all hurts so much

and forever

i'll always be with this

this burning

emotion

that is just frying away a hole in my heart

i'm not worth it anymore

no one cares

no one will miss me

have fun kids

but i can't i can't

as much as no one cares

they'd still hurt

i don't want anyone to hurt

and it'd be all my fault

help me

i'm so broken

i hate that i can't go to anyone

i hate that i can't even post something at 10pm at night

i hate that i keep my feelings bottled up

i hate that no body knows

no body

knows

i hate that my anxiety keeps me from telling anybody about my anxiety

i hate that i can't get help

i hate that i have the need to be strong

i hate that i can't tell anyone

i hate that i'm alone

so alone

i hate it i hate it i hate it

and that, that’s what my breakdowns are like. me contradicting myself,

forever hating the way i am,

confused on am i good at things, or am i not, or wait what

and the entire time simply with four thousand tons of pressure on my chest, trying to squeeze out some tears, some outward emotion, some, pressing need for help.

but, i can fight myself. i can stop myself from showing the emotion, from needing to get help.

because, well.

why is this worth fixing.

this is broken, and sad, and not tragically beautiful

and no one can fix that

now uh, a few confessions. just things, that i wanted to get recognition for,

actually no, honestly, idec if i get recognition at this point, i’d just love for people to know, who it was, who was there for them

@chanse808 rememeber that anon, telling you that, there was someone out there, who did care about you, and understood what you were going through with your friends, and feelign hurt and betrayed by them but still, not really being able to say that to them

@fangirling-saved-me remember that one anon, who said things like SOLDIER. YOU MUST EAT AND BE STRONG AND HEALTHY FOR THE WAR really in an attempt to humorize the situation, but really cared deeply abou tmaking sure you took care of yourself,

and also the one anon who was there when you were feeling bad about yourself, who tried to convince you that your strength isn’t determined by someone else’s?

@amaryllis-lorelei remember that anon, who only sent you anons when you were feeling sad, when you posted a post about how you were close to giving up, and the anon said stuff like she was sorry that she only came into your inboxes when you were feeling sad, the one who told you you were the first person to ever care about her, not her talent

and that other anon, long time ago, maybe a month and a half, who sent you maybe seven messages all together in a conversation, trying to convince you that people did care about you, and trying to convince you that you will have a happy ending

@littlejimmy123 those anons, like ten, a while back, (july 11th yes i scrolled all the way back) that were also telling you that people did care, and then eventually ronnie came along and cared too, and that you’re important, and that it’s ok to be an attention seeker when you aren’t getting the attention you deserve (lmao isn’t that ironic, i was the one telling you that? but eh i don’t deserve attention so i guess it isn’t that ironic, should even be making this post, it’s wholly attention seeking, but w/e, i’m gonna be gone tomorrow, so who cares)

then, @youtuber-melts (july 4th) @fangirling-saved-me (july 14th, at least i’m pretty sure that was me. if it wasn’t i apologize for stealing the credit, just i dont really remember. but idk, w/e ignore me) @amaryllis-lorelei (july 20th) @galaxysdmn @pastelvikk @alwaysahoeforthesdmn @ultsdmn @basically-sidemen @chanse808 @xixsidegirlxix (july 22nd) @sidemenfreezy @jeweljam1315 @awkwarddayley @littlejimmy123 @sdmnaustralia @officialdanic (july 23rd) @side-angel (july 28th) @mayolajidebt (aug 2nd, the first one) all of those anon posts on the positivesidefam page for you (idek how many of you saw yours, but the ones who responded lemme tell you your responses made my day i was so so so very happy to see you guys were so happy with the recognition you were getting. because i know how it feels, and i’m glad i made you guys feel that.) those were all me

none of them probably mean anything, i’m giving myself way more credit than i deserve this is all so bad and attention-seeking

and yes, i did anon, i always do anon, because i honestly felt that it would simply mean that much more if it was anonymous, and really the posts were supposed to be about you guys, not me, so i didn’t want any thanks for it then, and just

i know this post is incredibly attention-seeking, and just ik i’m a total beg. and i’m sorry i wrote this, it’s so totally attention seeking, i’m not the only one who sends stuff to the positivesidefam blog, aubrey sends in loads, she’s an angel i love her. but i just, i wanted,

people to know that

i can be nice too.. i’m not just my writing. i, idk, just being the attention-seeking pig i am i wanted recognition. and thanks. but ugh ignore me i sent in a few nice words that doesn’t deserve thanks, i’m sorry this is all really manipulative, don’t send in thanks, please, because i know if you do it will just because these words are really manipulative.

and before you say they aren’t, oh promise me, they are, these words are the words that always specifically induce guilt, and i’m sorry guys, i shouldn’t have (whoop, there it is again more guilt-tripping words)

whatever ignore, idrgaf anymore

and well oh hey we’ve come to the end of the line. congratulations to anyone who’s read this far, because now you know more about me than anybody i’ve ever known ever. once again, this is going to be my final post, ever, 

before anyone says that you will miss me, you literally will not.

i could have left tumblr, quietly and without fuss, and nobody would have noticed until like five years in the future where you stop and just think, “oh hey what happened to that char girl? huh idk. oh well”

and i know this for a simple fact, because as an experiment, just a test really, i spent a week, inactive, didn’t announce it, simply disappeared. and as i guessed, no one gave a shit.

but yes, i decided to make a big deal because i am an attention whore, and somehow i think i am special, therefore i must make an announcement that i am Leaving.

i guess i won’t deactivate my tumblr, but eh, that just cause i have a couple of imagines i am pretty proud of, and well, gotta leave somthing when i’m gone huh?

one more thing, before i go, i still want to say to you guys, as depressing as this post was, you guys did help me. you gave me so much more attention than i’ve ever gotten, and honestly thank you all so much.

but just right now, i really don’t think i’m going to keep tumblr as a part of my life anymore, simply because, really i’m just, tired

this was all way too personal, and probably no one cares to know me this well, but i’m exhausted, and cba, and i wanted to tell my story somewhere, to break a little bit, show a little bit of skin, and i simply can’t bring myself to care too much anymore. i’ll be gone from this website, and anything that happens afterwards doesn’t affect me. i have to work on learning that.

i wanted a final word. so i guess, yeah. these are my final words.

i’m done with tumblr, with the sidefam, anything that’s come with this blog (this include deactivating, yes deactivating my twitter, sorry everybody. i’ll deactivate in maybe 12 hours from posting this tho), i’m just done

sorry, i’ve probably let you all down. none of you probably expected this. i was supposed to be strong, i’m sorry. eva, i’m sorry, i know the past few days have been kind of hard to you, and i’m sorry i wasn’t able to be there. i’m gonna miss you. remember everything i told you, you can do this eva. ❤︎ 

aubrey, keep pushing through. you’re a solider, remember? stronger than i am, ever will be. but sometimes, it is ok to, not be so strong. take it from me. go to people, you can, you are not annoying, you aren’t attention seeking. you can do this

keeley, i want you to know that yes you are appreciated, i know how much you do for this fandom, and just know that sometimes it’s ok to take a break, to break. keeley you are so important do not ever forget that. you can do this.

syd, you are fantastic. thank you for being the first person in this fandom to well, talk to me, to sort of, adopt me into the fandom, you really made me feel welcome and i’ll always remember you did that for me, thank you

karren, thank you thank you thank you for supporting my writing, honestly. it meant, still means, so much to me. my heart would glow every single time i saw you had reblogged and commented on my imagines, and i could always always always depend on you to continuosly support my writing, thank you. keep being your positive amazing self.

meg (jiddleybehz), meg (ohmyminter), karren, aleks, montana, syd, charlie (smhsidemen), katie, keep writing guys. you are all incredibly talented writers, you are all so amazing, all of you, and i’m happy i could be your friends

anyone i’ve ever talked to ever, thank you so much for making me feel wanted, as if i deserved attention. i’m so very grateful for all of you, and every single message i’ve ever recieved has made me feel wonderful. but, i think i’ve overstayed my welcome now. these are my last words, and the most about me i’ve ever told anyone about me, ever, and this isn’t the sort of thing i usually do. but i’m going, so idrgaf anymore about what you all know about me. and, sorry i’m going like this. but i thought i’d give you all a proper goodbye.

so

goodbye :) ❤︎