I=Cookie

So I lapsed a bit in my good things ‘diary’. 

I’m having a rough week. Part of it has to do with the fact that I need to go back to the dentist tomorrow (and the two Thursdays after that as well, but let’s not think about that just yet). 

Another part of it is that I’m having a survival week. I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s a week where you get out of bed, you do the things which you are supposed to do (housework, groceries, looking for jobs) and you fill your time with meaningless other things to fill out the hours. Emotions are blocked (or kept out of way) because if they do decide to break through there will be no stopping them. I know this sounds bad, and partly it’s exactly that, but another part of me holds on until tomorrow again and again hoping it will get better. 

This requires a massive, massive amount of energy which should not be underestimated. If you recognise yourself in my description of the survival week/day/month, hang in there! Message me if you need to vent, if you need to ask questions, if you need support. You are not alone! I’m also not alone, but I’ve become a bit of a hermit in the last year and reaching out is tough when you’re used to isolating yourself. Know that someone is always there for you. 

There is so much more in my brain I would like to say, but I honestly don’t have the mental capacity to put it all in writing atm. Besides, it would probably be even more jumbled than the part above :D 

So, good things for today: 

* I got groceries and fixed myself supper 

* I didn’t go to bed for a nap today

I don’t think any of my family or friends know I have this account. I don’t mind it though, it gives me the freedom to be a bit more open than I would be for example on fb.

When you think about that, that would be weird right? Why would I be more open here, than on an account where I’m surrounded by people I know.

I guess it’s because (maybe like many of other people) I don’t show the real real me very often. When you get so used to keeping your mask up all the time people really don’t know how you are in reality.

I don’t mind that for the most part. People in general (with a couple of exceptions) can’t be trusted. That sounds paranoid and I don’t mean it like that, but if you talk to bully victims I believe you will find that most of them have a hard time trusting people.

It’s something that’s been ground into our souls, a scar which we’ll almost never show, but runs deeper than most. It shapes the way you look at the world, at events, at people. It makes life more difficult and to this day I grieve for the loss of that optimism I once had.

Good things though:

- I made myself a bread today (from scratch!)

- I laughed about some silly photos and videos on the internet

I was so exhausted yesterday that I forgot to post 🤦🏻‍♀️ So first things first!

- I went to the dentist!!!!

- I went to draw blood!

The first is a major major victory as I’m pretty scared of the dentist! But I did it and my reward is that I have to go back three more times... *sigh* Ah well sh*t happens I guess.

Today I took things a little more slowly. I once read (I think it was on Tumblr) about the 60 second rule when it comes to cleaning. The basics of it was that if you see something that takes less than 60 seconds to solve, do it now.

I’ve been applying this when I can and believe me, it really does help! Try it, let me know!

So using that, my good things for today:

- turned down my bed

- folded a load of laundry

There are days where you are forced to slow down. Not because you want to or not because something major happened, but just because your brain doesn’t want to get into gear.

It keeps circling back to one subject, it derails all other thoughts and nothing gets done. I had such a day today and I want to tell you those are okay too. There are days you will just “survive”. Where the most important things are hydrating, eating a little bit and sleeping if you can. It’s okay, there is always tomorrow!

Good things:

- Dragged myself to the GP

- ate three times

By now, the holiday spirit has worn off with most people and it’s time to face reality once again.

I’m one of those people 😊 It can be hard to re-evaluate all that still needs to be done after a week of relaxing and taking a break from the general hustle and bustle of everyday life.

Don’t give up! Talk to someone you trust and if you don’t have such a person call a crisis hotline. Someone very special to me told me that sometimes even getting things you’re struggling with off your chest, can be a temporary relieve and it’s true! It doesn’t solve your problems, but it could give you some breathing room until tomorrow.

It’s okay if you take life one day at a time, I do that too.

Good things this weekend:

- went to see my bf

- spend the afternoon with his family celebrating the new year

- spilled my worries to my bf giving me some room to breathe

Everybody’s situation is unique. You’d be hardpressed to find someone who’s had exactly the same life experiences as you had and even if you did find that person, the way you experienced these things, won’t be the same.

Regardless of your personal experiences, there are some things that connect us.

It could be that it’s the struggle to make it through each day. It could be the fight each day to not get your depression or anxiety get the better of you that day.

Some days are better than others, but if you can hold on to the hope that maybe tomorrow will be marginally better (if only a fraction) you will survive.

Today was not a good day for me. That said, here are the things I achieved today. They may not be positive and I may not be proud, but I did them.

- Did the dishes (twice)

- Took out the trash

- Vacuumed the house

- Finished the bookmark I was working on.

I don’t know if anyone will read this, but I’m doing this for me, because I think I need it.

I need a reminder that each day contains at least one positive thing.

So I will start (try) to post a note each day, containing good things that happened that day.

May it be a reminder for me (and maybe for some of you) that there is a point of light every day. I need it and maybe you do too.

Sooo since it’s already the 3rd of January, I will some up the first three days here:

Jan. 1st: Went to my parents for coffee and cuddled with my boyfriend.

Jan. 2nd: Finished 5 bracelets I’ve been working on, including one for my mom and one for me.