Brittney

So I decided while laying in my bed crying over how much school work I have left to do that there’s no way in hell that I’m going to college for four years. I didn’t even want to go at all, let alone four years. I feel so ridiculously unmotivated to do anything and I’ve been trying so hard to do my work and not procrastinate but I can’t even feel good about finishing my 11 page paper because of all of the shit I still have left to do. The stress that I’ve been putting off is finally hitting me and I don’t even care about communications. Like I thought going into it I would love it and realize what I wanna do but I don’t. I don’t care about communications, I don’t care about college, I don’t really think I care about much. Not sure if that’s normal, but I feel pretty much nothing when it comes to school and my future and I don’t like that but it’s just always been like that. I don’t have what it

Woah I saved this in my drafts unfinished and just found it....... Ahh I feel bad for myself back then :( I'm glad I got through it tho! I hope this semester is a lot better and I don't have these feelings again but honestly with it being summer I feel the complete opposite of how I did when I wrote this so that's awesome 💕💕💕

-hahaha just found this again

-still fuckin hate school

-didn't go to college for four years LMAO love that for you Britt you predicted your future but your doing ok

-stil dont know what I wanna do in the future tho still don't know how I feel 

-but it'll be ok and I miss summer ughhhhhhhhh omg also wow can't believe I started writing this in 2015 holy fuck its 2019 now ugh oh dear god I still don't know what I wanna do 4 years later oh my god teehee where's the nearest bridge LMAO im kidding but no really what am I gonna do with my life maybe ill start my youtube for real im not kidding like what do I have to lose 

hello Tumblr. this is the place that I come when I need to get my feelings out and I kinda feel like I have to right now so well, here I am. Today was a good day I guess. I hung-out with Renee and Mary and then they dropped me off and I just hungout and caught up on videos that I had missed while I was away with them and saw Taylor and played my switch. It was nice and I've been on the go a lot so being able to relax was nice. but for me, when I relax, I think, and when I think, well.... it sometimes causes these text posts. lol 

earlier I got a text from the people that I babysit for. they were basically informing me how they got the registration letter for one of the kids to go to pre school next year and they wanted to know my thoughts on whether or not I was planning on still being the kids babysitter. they told me to take my time and to think about it and that there would be no hard feelings if I didn't want to but that I was like family and that I of course was their first choice. They are the nicest people, super sweet, thoughtful, and caring and I literally love the kids that I babysit for so so much. like babysitting for them changed my life a little bit. Its one of the best jobs ive ever had. I mean who else can say that they get to go to work in their pajamas, sing and dance to songs, eat snacks all day, do arts and crafts, be creative, use their phone whenever they want, watch tv shows and then even take naps when the kids are napping and at school??? and get paid to do so?!?! plus I have weekends and holidays off!! not many people. we even get to go places whenever we want to also, like I have car seats for them in my car and im allowed to just take them with me to wherever I want/need to go and its really the best thing ever. but in a way its also kinda just like.... idk

things lately have been good. I booked a trip to disney and I'm super excited about it. feeling the warm weather and getting away for awhile and spending some time in one of my favorite places with some of my favorite people is going to be great, especially with this weather right now. 

I also am meeting trisha paytas soon with one of my best friends ben and i literally cannot wait! we always have such a good time together and I'm so so happy to have him in my life. truly like idk what id do without ben. were seeing ariana together too which I'm looking forward too also. 

im so happy to have so many things to look forward to. having countdowns and things to look forward to is great because it gets me out of my head and gives me reasons to be excited and ahh idk. I hate complaining on here and talking about my feelings literally to anyone (ok kinda not true I'm a complete open book, if you ask me something ill tell you the honest truth like i don't hold anything back) but some things i don't really talk about and lately they've been bothering me and i guess maybe its the snow (ugh seasonal depression) that made me feel off today and wanna just type out how I'm feeling because like i said before, i literally don't hold anything back. i hate being in my head and i feel like lately i have been. not really about anything important, i know in retrospect it isnt, like at the end of the day the stuff that I'm in my head about is NOT important and i know it isnt even true and doesn't even matter, like I'm being to hard on myself, but its hard to not focus on it and ugh idk. I'm just gonna make a list of things i get in my head about and maybe ill feel better but probably not because i already know everyone is gonna think i sound dumb, including me 

-my body. I know I'm skinny because i get told that but i wish i could just not think about my weight. I'm aways checking to make sure my thighs still don't touch in the mirror. yes, i eat whatever i want but its always on my mind. idk why

-these dumb pimples on my chin like they arent even awful and theres only a couple but now when i look at my face all i can notice is them and it seems like they won't go away :(

-i am not good at anything really, i don't have a talent. i wish i did :( I'm good at some things but idk what i should do next. what should i do after nannying? idk

-i haven't ever had a relationship. this one doesn't bother me as much. when i find someone, ill find someone. it'll happen when it does. but what if it doesn't? i guess everyone has this fear. except no one ever ever (except for maybe a handful of people) has shown interest in me. but not like genuine interest. and i haven't found anyone that I'm really genuinely interested in. idk. maybe its me or maybe its not. i guess it all leads back to my lack of self confidence. I'm too closed off and don't know how to open up. idk 

-ive had the same cold for literally over a month. i went and got antibiotics. i still have it!! i just wanna breathe out of my nose! :( I'm sad!!!

-i like....also need new friends.....and desperately miss the ones i made in florida :( i wanna move out on my own again and have roommates and just have a great time somewhere else, whether its florida, California, anywhere but here. hopefully it'll be time to do that soon but idk when or with who or where