Yesterday evening I realized that emotional pain is equally as detrimental to the body as physical pain. I have never in my life experience the kind of stress induced emotional heart response pain as I did last night. My whole body started to be in shock mode. Leading to high blood pressure, a pounding headache, heart palpitations, muscle spasms in my calf, stroke like symptoms in my brain, neck and heart. I felt sick to my stomach, couldnât breathe for a good half hour. Felt nauseous, hungry, feeling of wanting to vomit but canât. Head was shaking in pain with nerves expanding and contracting. Heart was slowly started pounding and beating abnormally. It was the closest I had to going into cardiac shock. Outwardly, I was on my knees and crying a storm - in agony and pain. Inwardly, I was feeling what I just describe above.
Already exhausted from a lack of sleep from the week. A long day at work, sadness in my mind/ heart and yet I had to come home to a broken home where my dad was screaming and fighting with my mom over lack of helping my mom with household duties because he is too busy enjoying his life going to the elderly center while my mom is alone at home taking care of the family responsibilities- helping me take care of Kayla. Helping my sis take care of Andrew, in charge of household cooking and cleaning, buying groceries and on top of that being exhausted and in pain physical from her many ailments in her body due to Years of overworking and abuse to her body. I appreciate everything my mom has done for me, she has helped me a lot with my daughter. Looking after her while I am working. My daughter is a handful and being in her 70s itâs a challenge for mom. Especially with her neck surgery and pains related to that amongst other things. I know her personality is one that needs everything done and tidy in the house. A trait that I think I picked up from her. As I am that way in my own house. But she is also a type A personality. A person that has no patience and wants everything done now now⌠I am a type B personality where everything can wait a little with some type A. My husband unfortunately is all type B where it gets to the point that it really affects me deeply. His laziness has no bound. He is always tired even when he sleeps 10+ hours or who is mostly never sober and always either is drunk, feels and acts drunk (from what he claims is exhaustion) or he is puking and vomiting and dizzy. Never a moment where I find him ânormalâ and that to me is just unacceptable in any culture. He needs to understand he needs to fix himself up. Whether that be going to professional alcoholic rehabiliation or getting treatment. I canât see myself in a family with him and our daughter if he continues down this path of self destruction. With his current state he canât help me with Kayla. He can barely help himself. The worse is what is his mom doing to help or control her son. Taking away his money, credit card and driver license. How the fuck does that help?! So stupid! Put him through rehab damn it. Forcing him to work his job and pay for the house mortgage, credit card bills, and his other sibling bills and motherâs bills ?? How is this helping him. My God, the fact that he hasnât loss his mind in that type of environment and abuse is beyond me. But yet again, maybe this is how he copes with this maternal abuse by abusing himself with alcohol and sleeping to avoid his life problems. The war in Russia and the death of his maternal grandma and death of his father doesnât seem to help his psyche either. Not to mention his many years of childhood PTSD from having a weapon put to his throat or being hit and abuse growing up for not being an obedient kid. I am sure we each has been through some type of abuse.
I know I had. Last nightâs body reaction is to that abuse - getting yelled at by my father for not doing more to take care of my daughter and that he should be allow to live his life and enjoy the elderly center and that my mom shouldnât have to work so hard to raise my child that itâs my husband and my responsibility to watch our child. As mom was complaining to dad to help out more instead of going to the elderly center 7 days a week and avoiding all family obligations and responsibilities as mom is exhausted and tired and her body is breaking down. I know exactly how my mom feels. Not until I became a mom did I understand the implications of how much pain, suffering and sacrifices, mothers make and how fuckin little fathers and men do to help. Not saying there arenât any good men or dads but very rare. Most are as selfish as they come. Doing the most minimal. They think just because they work and earn money itâs enough. Even my dad, growing up he did nothing for us. He just went to work everyday and earn money. Mom did that and on top of that cook, clean and raised us as best as she could. Dad didnât bat an eye. He felt he already did enough by giving us a roof over our head. Barely interacting with us. I am on this app, call Peanut, and I see through other womenâs eyes, mostly all men are the same. Not maternal, not loving and do the most minimal and complains they are tired and doing too much. Sometimes I think itâs better to just be single and donât have to put up with this shit!
But I digress⌠I can swear to God, I have already put in my 200% effort into my daughter, into this family I created, into myself and into my job and my apartment. My body is breaking down. I donât know how much more I can do. I am just one person. I am dying and breaking down. My body reaction is telling me, I am dying. Every day I donât get enough sleep. I barely have time to sleep, eat, shower. Some weeks I would go days without showering or washing my hair. I am just too tired and exhausted after putting my daughter to sleep to go do it. I am passing out. And the many task I need to do on my phone or bills I need to pay or whatever task I need to do gets push to the back burner and when I find a moment in the night after my daughter is put to sleep I actually get to do whatever task it is. And then my dad see me on the phone doing those tasks and he assumes I am fooling around on my phone and not sleeping. His judgment without context is too harsh. Meanwhile he is always on his phone texting and trying to impress this one elderly man at the elderly center. That man around the same again as what his father would had been. I think he still trying to seek that approval and love from his own father that he never got. Thatâs why he likes that man so much and feels he needs to get his approval or favoritism. Being the youngest child in his family of 5 siblings and without his mom at the age of 10, it must had been really tough for him. I donât know. My mom being the oldest child of 5 siblings must had been difficult for her life too. Because of all she had to erase from her life - the hiding of her pregnancy from the government due to the one child policy, the sneaking around without any help from her husband because he was gone working in another region of the country. The abuse and hardship she endured. The tears she shed, no one would ever understand. The pain of losing her child. The pain of persecution. The abuse from family and neighbors and outsiders because she had to raise three kids by herselfďżź. Only she would understand how I feel. And maybe because of this she feels this need to help me. She doesnât want me to endure and suffer the same fate and hardships. And yet it seems fate is cruel and unforgiving that I also must suffer similar fates.
It all comes out, the âfight/argument â is over many things but at the top is that mom is doing too much and I am doing not enough and my dad doesnât want to do anything cause he feels is not his responsibility. Dad makes a good point that he should be allow to enjoy the remainder of his life and my mom should too. And whatever help they give me is out of the goodness of their heart. They are right. But at the same token I am already bending forward and backwards. I am working a full time job, I am managing too households - my apartment and my parents place, I am putting my daughter to sleep at night and I am stressed at work and in my personal life. Each day at work I am exhausted yet forcing myself to work hard and get work done because I am one of the slower workers and so much work to do. In my apartment I am the only one cleaning, tidying and putting things inside (packages), paying the mortgage, bills, maintenance. In my personal life my health is shit. I am always in pain, my weight has skyrocketed from the stress and hormonal imbalance and everywhere literally hurts. Then my husband is a loser and doesnât help me with anything. He thinks the small measly child support money is doing a lot. Which it isnât. Every few days after work I need to drop off things to my apartment or I need to go do errands and tasks such as buy Kayla groceries or diapers/wipes or whatever it might be. I never had a moment to breathe and yet everyone thinks I have so much free time and doing so much âfun stuffâ. I still owe a big money debt to my ex-boyfriend which is an unfortunate life lesson for being tricked, robbed from an online lover whom was deceitful as fuck. He probably isnât even just one person but maybe a group of people pretending to be one person andďżź using someone elseâs photos. It was horrible he used God to deceive and trick me. And he used my own burden and pain to trick me. It was just a mess. But thatâs a whole other story. I know in my own heart and God knows I have done over my limits with my daughter and with keeping my family afloat. Itâs difficult when you are a single mother.
Next you ask, then why donât you let your mother in law (Kayla paternal mother or family) help you. Well, she could barely take care of herself and her own kids. Her son (my husband) has an addiction problem alcohol, vape and cigarettes. And what she do for him? She enables him. Then her younger daughter has PTSD, psychosis and mental health issues amongst emotional damage from her emotional/mental abuse growing up among other problems. Her younger son who seems okay is only okay because he avoids her and doesnât do much interaction with MIL and does his own thing. Now she already has her hands full. On top of that she also likes to abuse alcohol and wine and is promiscuous ďżźwith men and has abusive tendencies in the men she chooses in her life. Has expensive lifestyle and taste and the men she sleeps with are abusive in one form or another. Why would I want my daughter around this type of influence and danger. Also when I was pregnant she never trusted me. She thinks I am hiding everything and to be honest, if her son didnât love me, she had her hand in the relationships and kick me out a long time ago as just her sonâs casual fuck and companion of the week. But because her son fell in love with me and refuse to leave me regardless of how hard I tried to push him away, she has no choice but accept the status quo. I know she probably loves her kids like all mothers do, but her control and approach for each and all her kids is messed up and wrong. Because she is my elder, I wonât tell her off but I also donât see her as a fit person to look after my daughter. The only Person in this world I truly trust is my mom.
Growing up being a girl was very rough. I was sexually abused by my extended family members and family member friend at different moments in my childhood. Not at the same time but different times. These people know who they are! And that shame will linger with them for the rest of their lives I am sure. I donât need to call out who they are. I am sure they know as they were older than me when it all happened. Because of this I donât trust anyone! I especially donât trust anyone with my daughter. Thatâs also why I donât want anyone looking after my daughter but my mom. And my MIL house has too many people there. Too many suspicious men. As for my apartment, I donât want anyone here but me and my daughter. I donât trust anyone to be frank. When I knew I was carrying a daughter I was so frightful. Afraid that she would grow up with sexual abuse, afraid that she might get my PCOS, endometriosis or other health issues. I fear it all. I would be less scared with a son. In this society women always get abused in one form or another. Itâs crazy! Growing up I was always more mature than my age, having curves with big boobs and butt, also had inappropriate men attention. Attention that I did not want. I was cute and attractive that was also a problem. My daughter is cute and most likely will turn out attractive. Thatâs why I worry for her in this world. Her father is oblivious to all this because he is one of those men that thinks Sex at a young age is okay and that women should be allow to date, kiss and explore. Is he nuts?! đ¤Śđťââď¸ I guess thatâs the European side of him. I am not as forward thinking. I think there should be boundaries and thatâs why I love Christianity and God. Because it provides Guidelines and boundaries!
My head still hurts as I write all this. But I write it to get my message across, I might die the next day who knows. My body is breaking down. I thought last night I might had a stroke and died. Thatâs how bad my body reaction to my dad was. I know with my full heart that I am doing the best I can. I canât do any more than what I have already done for my family and for the family I have created. I only ask my other family members, my sister, BIL, father, bro and grandma to help out my mom as much and as best as possible. I know my momâs personality, helping out just means they need to do their own part and help themselves and donât give extra work to mom. Clean up after themselves, look after their own things and in occasion help look after Kayla while mom is doing a task. I donât think itâs too much to ask for. But maybe to them they think itâs a lot to ask for. I only wish they understand how difficult life has been for mom and me. Having similar illnesses as my mother I know very well how she feels and I think she knows how I feel. And for that reason I feel she pities me and helps me as much as she can. I appreciate her help and never take it for granted.
In my life, I have predicted that I wonât live past 50 years old. I hope I am wrong. I hope my past recurrent dreams are wrong as well. I would really like to see my daughter be a grown-up and married before I leave this world. In the past before the existence of my daughter I always questioned why I was allow to live and why I was still alive. I had severe mental depressions as a child due to the sexual abuse, mental and physical abuse and the pressures and stress from parents to be smart and perfect. Something I will never be - smart nor perfect. I am flawed in every way and so broken inside beyond repair. At 15, I tried to commit suicide and contemplated that this was it, time to go⌠just to have missionaries from my current church come knock on my parents door and saved me and converted me to Christianity. The elder at the time Elderly P told me he had a dream that someone needed saving around my neighborhood. God is good! So started my relationship with God at 15. But each moment throughout my life I have been tested over and over again ⌠nothing ever good ⌠so when others say they know how difficult life is and they understand. until you walk a mile in my shoes, you donât know SHIT. Donât judge what you donât understand.
My health issues is another story - having a small brain tumor, having pressure palsy, numbness in both hands, fingers and arms, PCOS , painful menstruation, inability to hold my bladder urine, possible endometriosis, pain on my right side quadrant. Bone pain with my neck, spine, lower back, compressed nerves. Pain with in my feet, toes, knee when I walk. My whole body is breaking down ⌠obesity, hormonal imbalance, metabolic syndrome, slow metabolism - you name it, I got it âŚ
When will life get better? Will it ever get better ? What is my life purpose. Why did my mom keep me while my second sis is dead. The guilt of losing second is probably the reason to keep me. What mom doesnât love their child. Especially they carry it for 9 months. Being a mom is not easy⌠itâs one of the hardest Jobs in the world and not always the most rewarding. I love my daughter and would die protecting my daughter. I donât want her to suffer the same fate as me. I want her to grow up carefree and blessed and happy - I need her to know her mom loves her very much. Just as I know my mom loves me even though my mom doesnât know how to express that emotion in words. But her physical actions show. Growing up I was most happy when I was sick, because it meant that mom had to be home to take care of me, feed me, give me medication and look after me and physically just be there. Sometimes when I was younger I would wish I would get sick or ill with a cold or whatever just to get momâs love and attention. Crazy huh? My daughter donât need to wish for that. I will make sure to provide her with the love, attention, praise she seeks. Itâs so important in a childâs development and mindset to have this feeling that she/he is loved. I, for one, know that better than any one else.
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