If someone opens up to you and shares a story or vents about a time they were mistreated or disrespected, now is the time to listen and show compassion. It's not the time to one-up or flex about how you think you would have handled the situation. It's also not the time to lecture them on how you think they should have responded, or to shame them if you don't think their reaction was adequate or assertive enough.
For example, your friend opens up to you about the time he tried to have a nice dinner out with his partner, but restaurant staff were being racist/xenophobic and refusing to seat them, so he and his partner just left and found somewhere else to eat. Now is not the time to flex "Well if that were ME I wouldn't have just taken it and left, I would have totally put the staff in their place and not tolerated that!"
Or, for example your co-workers tells you about how she went to the grocery store last night and right as she was about to check out someone aggressively cut her in line, now is not the time to shame her / put her down with a response like "What, and you just took that? Oh come on you can't be such a pushover!"
First of all, you don't actually know how you would have responded in these situations. You don't know if you would have actually frozen or fawned in these situations. Many people do, even if they don't think they would. And that's okay. People don't just decide to freeze or fawn, it's an automatic reaction. Stopping behaviors like freezing or fawning can take years of therapy, not just a belittling lecture from a friend or co-worker.
Or even if someone didn't freeze or fawn, they just made the conscious choice to avoid a confrontation. That's also okay, and not your place to shame them. People can have all sorts of reasons for wanting to avoid a confrontation, such as not feeling it's safe, or feeling like it will just make the situation worse.
Second of all, responses like this can come across as belittling and generally insensitive. Even if you don't mean it that way, it can come across as though you're trying to insinuate that you think the other person is lesser than you for not reacting how you think you would have reacted. When someone has already dealt with being mistreated the last thing they need to is be lectured or put down, it's rubbing salt in the wound to respond insensitively when someone opens up to you about dealing with mistreatment.
Instead, show compassion. Tell them they didn't deserve to be treated that way, and what the other person did was wrong. If they're being mistreated by a boss or co-worker, kindly remind them that they have the right to report the behavior. Or if they're being mistreated by a classmate or teacher, kindly remind them that they can speak to someone at the school about it.
You can kindly remind them that in the future they're allowed to stand up for themselves in these situations, if they choose to, but don't lecture them or shame them for not responding how you think they should have.
#i feel like these ppl view being aggressive/violent/confrontational as morally righteous by default
I think you're probably onto something there.
This is just me spitballing based on some of my observations, but I feel like a lot of people conflate bravery/heroism with being aggressive/violent/confrontational and aren't able to distinguish between the two.
I also think misogyny could play a part in this, but I fully acknowledge that could be a reach. Being aggressive/violent/confrontational are traits generally stereotypically associated with men, while being passive and non-confrontational are generally stereotypically associated with women. And people often do hate traits and behaviors stereotypically associated with women while idolizing traits and behaviors stereotypically associated with men.
Of course there are moments where it is brave and admirable to take a stand, such as if you see someone else being harassed and/or bullied and you decide to intervene. But you don't have to be aggressive or violent about it especially if it's risking your safety, for example pretending that you're friends with someone you see being harassed instead of yelling at or punching the person bothering them (which could be putting your and/or the person you're trying to help's safety at risk)
I also think this is pretty likely for a lot of people.
Although honestly even with this reasoning I still find it annoying and inconsiderate when people do this because it still feels like they're prioritizing their own comfort and ego over the feelings of the injured party right in front of them.
I have learned to ask "advice or sympathy?" before responding to people who seem like they may just be venting, or (hopefully) to catch myself and ask before I get too far into a response. If someone is simply hoping to feel heard and validated, offering solutions comes across as patronizing and self-centered.
Sometimes it is obvious that someone is simply venting, in which case comfort & demonstrations of sympathy are of course the equally-obvious response. But other times it is less clear. Thankfully, asking has generally been well-received, in my experience.
I've gotten a few replies like this about this being a matter of advice vs sympathy, but to be honest I don't agree that this is a matter of advice vs sympathy.
If a friend or co-worker vents about say, someone cutting them in line at the store, and you actually wanted to help them by giving them advice, a genuinely helpful way to do that would be "You know you're allowed to speak up when someone cuts you in line, right? You don't have to tolerate that." That's the type of response I'd expect from someone genuinely trying to be helpful by actually giving advice.
Giving a response like the examples I talked about above, like "oh come one, don't be such a pushover! I would never tolerate that! I don't take shit from anyone!" doesn't seem like advice to me. I don't see how talking to people that way helps anyone. That just doesn't seem like the words of someone who's trying to be helpful in anyway. That seems more like the words of someone who's getting defensive because they want to convince themselves, and whoever else is around, that bad things won't happen to them because they're too "tough" or would do the "right" thing or whatever, that bad things only happen to "weak" people like the person venting to them.
Another tip, if someone vents to you about being mistreated, if your first instinct is to defend the person who mistreated them, reconsider if that's appropriate or necessary.
Riding off of the examples above, if your co-worker tells you she went to the grocery store last night and some guy aggressively cut her in line right before she was about to check out, if you want to answer "well have you considered what kind of night that guy was having, or maybe he was just in a hurry, hmm?" re-consider if that's appropriate or necessary, or if the guy having a bad night or being in a hurry actually justifies him cutting others in line without even asking or apologizing.
Again, re-consider if a reply like this is actually helpful, necessary, or appropriate. Maybe you think it'll make the other person feel better, but more often than not trying to justify them being mistreated will make them feel worse, especially when there's not actually any good justification or excuse for the treatment they received.
