too close to the sun

Hey everyone. James ( @d3monicwolv3s) here. Unfortunately this isn’t one of Scott’s excited movie posts.

Monday he collapsed at work and stopped breathing. He was put in a medically induced coma. Today he was legally declared brain dead and I said my final goodbyes. I stayed as long as I could while they prepped him for organ donation. Listening to music he liked, and reading something I started to write for him for when he would wake up.

I want to thank you all.

All the good times I had with him was because of Tumblr.

I was sick with mono at the time we met. I had been sick for several months barley able to stand, and very light sensitive. Only able to look at my computer or tv for short periods of time. I waited around and didn’t say anything, no one knew. In that time no one messaged me or talked to me. I had never felt so alone at the time.

I started using Tumblr more and I believe I liked one of his posts via another user. We couldn’t remember who followed who first.

I saw he was in Dallas. He saw I was in Arlington.

He liked a bunch of my stuff and he sent me a message right away.

We messaged back and forth on here. I went through his entire blog in a day. I found things that embaressed him that he forgot he even posted. He would call me his Tumblr unicorn.

We progressed to using AIM, and shortly after we met up. He picked me up and drove me to his place (making a joke not even a block away to murder me and throw my body in a ditch lol) to hang out and took really good care of me.

We went to Dennys that first night just a block away from his apartment and he sat mortified that I got the maple bacon sundae and finished it.

I spent the whole week there.

After the weekend he went to work and left me someone he just met alone in his apartment. As he left he said “see you in a few hours.” I half asleep go “sunflowers?” I became his sunflower Prince from that day on.

His cat instantly was in my lap. He was so jealous. He said he never did that. He always chose to sit in my lap and would never sit in his. He would tell me that if anything ever happened to him that I would have to take care of him. (He’s at my house now, going to meet my cat something he always wanted to see) He would tell me how Helo saved his life. How he appeared after his mom died. How he is the reason he was still alive. That Helo and I really pulled him out of the depression of his mother dying and his fiance abandoning him.

How I embarrassed him by calling him my boyfriend first. How he was a little blind sided by it.

When he broke his arm, he felt so guilty and torn up. He said he was so lucky to have me there with him.

When I failed my pharmacy exam by a few questions. I was so upset. I had to leave my job. Even though I was jobless, I stayed at his place and he took up a second job. So we didn’t see each other as much as we’d have liked. I felt like such a failure. I had never felt so worthless. I studied so hard, and felt like I wasn’t good enough. He stayed by my side as I sobbed and beat myself up. He did his best to help me study, and I studied my ass off for two months. The soonest I could retake it. He waited in the parking lot for an hour as I retook it. He jumped and cheered for me when I passed. He told me he was so proud of me.

He always cheered me on. He always believed in me. I never felt lonely. He was constantly messaging me when we were apart. He always took an interest in things I liked, and was never shy to speak his mind. He was always so excited about new movies and tv shows and would draw me in to things I would never have experienced.

I keep thinking how fun he made everything. Even a trip to Wal-Mart. How we were never bored when we were together.

He was the World to me.

I honestly don’t know how to continue without him.

I just keep checking my phone thinking I’ll see a message or a Tumblr picture he sent me.

I keep getting prayers and asking if I need anything. I just need him back. I keep looking to the past. Dreading that lonely feeling that I know will come. The day when people stop talking to me again. How I need him to pull me out of it.

He was the good one. So why do I get to continue?

I keep thinking about our last moments. How I never got to say goodbye. How we left so much undone.

I keep thinking of how things could have been different. What I could have done. How he would still be here if I had. How I let this happen. I feel so incredibly guilty.

I know that’s not what he would want for me. I have to somehow find a way to move on. I have to take care of his cat Helo.

So for him I’ll keep doing my best. Knowing he would be cheering me on.